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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a fourth child

192 replies

Tumti2 · 11/01/2020 21:36

I have just had a baby a week ago!

Just not sure I’m ready to say never again .

OH definately doesn’t want a fourth .

AIBU to think I could talk him round and go for it !

Have you ever done the same and had more babies than your OH wanted initially ?

Or is this a passing phase .

I do have everything I wanted from the babies I have had eg both sexes etc .

Initially only wanted at least two maybe three .

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 11/01/2020 22:26

Terrible for the planet

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 11/01/2020 22:26

@isawthehaggis
Gosh, that ‘it’s ok no matter how many kids I have because we recycle and don’t fly’ is tired.
Doing all those things still doesn’t reduce contributions a much as having one less child would have - and when those four people continue to have more people, it’s exponential growth.
It really doesn’t take a mathematical or scientific genius to figure that out and anyone who thinks it can be simply brushed off with a ‘but my children will fund via taxes and we recycle argument’ is being deliberately obtuse and ignorant.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 11/01/2020 22:26

I think it's bordering on insanity to be considering another a week after this one, whether it was the first or third. Focus on what you have.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 11/01/2020 22:29

The only post baby urges I had were for toast and jam (thanks nhs) and to not feel like my insides were falling out.

Ginfordinner · 11/01/2020 22:32

Some more things to consider:
Teenagers x 4
Friendship issues x 4
Relationship issues x 4
GCSEs x 4
A levels x 4
UCAS applications x 4
Supporting through university x 4

Never underestimate the emotional toll that teenagers take from you. Your children are all young, but you need to think ahead. Parenting teenagers is much, much harder than parenting young children. They don't need parental supervision, but my goodness they need you on an emotional level and cause so much worry.

Ishotmrburns · 11/01/2020 22:36

Totally normal to feel this way. you are 1 week post partum. It's the worse time to be making any serious decisions lol.

You have posted this in the wrong place. MN is, ironically, very against people having babies (unless you are married, middle class and stick to the one child limit).

Your husband needs to be on board. You can't force this.

elmosducks · 11/01/2020 22:37

I wasn't ready to say no after my third DC (I was offered to be steralised as it was c-section). I couldn't agree to that, I wasn't ready.

The fourth pregnancy was unplanned, DH was delighted but I was not, and I sobbed throughout the pregnancy. I had horrific guilt, what about our environmental impact (I am a bit crunchy and that is important to me), what if the child wasn't healthy (my eldest has ASD) etc etc etc.

DC4 is now school age and I can say he has brought nothing but joy to my life. The number thing is a factor, I am sure. The first two are close, and so are the second two. DH and I are both the eldest of three and we are close with one sibling and the other sibling is not close with either of us, so that did factor in. I haven't got over the environmental guilt but we live alternatively as much as possible (vegan, cloth nappies, no chemical cleaning, camping etc etc) and we brings our children up to be aware with their choices.

We have a very happy home, and I am always getting comments about how close our children are. They have to share, they are considerate of each other and are nice people.

Overall, I don't regret it. Of course I don't. My children are all amazing and I wouldn't be without any of them. When they offered me a stérilisation at the delivery of DC4, I jumped at the chance, and have never regretted it. I knew what felt right for me. I just wasn't there with DC3.

You know what you want.

I will say one last thing though. I am so bloody tired. Grin

Original poster
Tumti2 · 11/01/2020 22:39

Thanks elmosducks

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumti2 · 11/01/2020 22:40

And Ishotmrburns . Helpful comments

OP posts:
dreamsmama · 11/01/2020 22:41

You are not being unreasonable, of course both of you need to agree but you know this. I have a 3 month old and I've wanted another one ever since he came out, I'm extremely broody ALL the time ha. My partner doesn't want another yet so that's fine we will wait, but don't ever feel unreasonable for something you feel. They are your feelings and you are allowed to experience this. Congratulations on the new arrival too. X

DCIRozHuntley · 11/01/2020 22:43

I definitely felt invincible and like I wanted to do it all over again after each child. There hormonal and emotional "buzz" of having created this amazing person was so intense each time. But days postpartum is not a time to be thinking about making those decisions. Why not revisit in a year or so?

Duck90 · 11/01/2020 22:44

I haven't got over the environmental guilt but we live alternatively as much as possible (vegan, cloth nappies, no chemical cleaning, camping etc etc) and we brings our children up to be aware with their choices

That’s great, but will your 4 all go by the same values? It’s not unusual for children to behave differently from their parents.

You know what you want

Just because we want something doesn’t make it right... Donald Trump?

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/01/2020 22:44

I really regret not having a fourth.

Or a fifth. Absolutely adore my children (they think their mother is an unmitigated twat Hmm)

snappycamper · 11/01/2020 22:48

Sorry, but the parent who doesn't want another trumps the one who does.

This is what happened in my house. I was desperate for a third but OH was done. Still resent him now

FourStarsShine · 11/01/2020 22:51

Wait and see how you find having three kids. It’ll depend on the ages of your others, but it can be really tough. Especially if the baby doesn’t sleep, you still have school and nursery runs etc.

I’m so glad I have three. I had the third in my late 30s. Unless I had a 24 hr nanny and a million in the bank, no way would I have a fourth. My energy and attention is already spread too thin. If DH was pressuring me into another I’d feel extremely upset!

AlrightyyThen · 11/01/2020 22:55

YANBU to want anything you want!

I have 2 DC to two different dads and i'm with neither of them. I would love more babies, at least 2. I know the only way to do it is to live with the stigma of having at least 3 different dads to my kids but at the end of the day YANBU to want it.

Doesn't mean it will ever happen but i'm like you with children, never say never.

I also wanted 2nd DC immediately after 1st one was born and have been broody ever since!

TheVanguardSix · 11/01/2020 22:57

Slow down.
Enjoy baby number 3. Now is where you’re at. So live in the present and just get to know your little one.
My hunch is, you’ll be good with 3. Grin
I’ve always wanted 4. Totally, totally ok with 3 though.

elmosducks · 11/01/2020 23:06

@Duck90 of course there is no knowing for sure.

We can only do the best we can with the choices that we make.

Hand on heart, I have done that. I genuinely hope that my children will do the same.

Busymummy16 · 11/01/2020 23:11

When dc3 was born I kept being so upset that this was the last one, maybe we would have a 4th.. well dc3 was a fantastic newborn sleeper but at 4 months stopped sleeping through and didn’t restart until she was close to 3.. that and I got diagnosed with a chronic health condition. We will stick at 3, although I get pangs of wanting another one, we are done.

TrixieFranklin · 11/01/2020 23:12

I had number 3 6months ago and feel the same as you OP.
We probably won't, but it's a nice thought for me.

Iwantacookie · 11/01/2020 23:16

I'm sort of in the same boat.
I would love one more baby to make 4. Dp says no so I had to make the decision did I want dp or another baby.
I picked dp. We are both aware how the other feels and as I have the coil we are both aware by just relying on that there is a tiny chance it could happen but we take that risk and are both happy to. Dp knows i won't be steralized so we take the chance.
I cant tell you have to get over that broodyness though.
That is hard.

Iwantacookie · 11/01/2020 23:19

Also a small age gap is a nightmare when they are tiny. I've got an 18 month age gap and it nearly finished me off.

PinkyU · 11/01/2020 23:19

After having dc no.2 we were certain that our family was complete, well almost.

We decided on dc no.3, who is amazing, just turned 7 today and is an absolute blessing to us. She also has complex special needs, will never be independent, relies on us and our other dc for everything. Our lives are all now vastly different.

Are you prepared for a child who may have disabilities? Could you cope, your relationship, your existing children?

No one plans to conceive and deliver a disabled child, but every one should consider how they’d manage if they did.

TrixieFranklin · 11/01/2020 23:20

Our first two are twins and I did wonder if my want for number 4 is actually just me finding it strange having a single baby this time or that baby not having a ready made best friend like the others have in each other.

inthekitchensink · 11/01/2020 23:22

God no, I could never afford 4 x school trips, uniforms, holidays, holidays, day trips, Xmas, hobbies/classes/sports/music, university fees, rental deposits/guarantor etc ad infinitum

I worry so much about the cost of living, the job/housing/nhs/mental health cuts that is one of the (many) reasons I only have one child