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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP ex and boundaries

128 replies

Givenupsmokingatlast · 11/01/2020 14:21

NC for this though I’ve been on the site for a while.

DP is still on good terms with his exw for the sake of their children. There’s no suggestion of them reconciling and for the last few years of their marriage they basically lived apart anyway. She and I tend to avoid each other without any actual conflict so all good all round.

Which leaves me more than a bit annoyed and confused by last weekend. He was around there picking up the three girls, and she had just come out of the shower. She sauntered around in front of him in her underwear, just putting her bra on. I’m not a prude, I don’t feel jealous of her but isn’t this a bit disrespectful to me? Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 11/01/2020 14:23

That is mental and not okay at all

JosefKeller · 11/01/2020 14:25

It wouldn't even be appropriate if it was her own brother, so not ok at all.

TheMustressMhor · 11/01/2020 14:25

I think you're being old-fashioned.

How did you find out, anyway? Did he tell you?

JosefKeller · 11/01/2020 14:33

Did he tell you?
he would have been mad not to, what if one of the girls had mentioned it?

Waveysnail · 11/01/2020 14:35

Was he upstairs?

ohwheniknow · 11/01/2020 14:39

Disrespectful to you?

Original poster
Givenupsmokingatlast · 11/01/2020 14:41

He was upstairs talking to one of the girls, she was in her room but just walked out and back into the bathroom. He was honest with me as he always is (and yes the girls might have mentioned so he was being up front with it). She knew he was there. I really don’t get her mentality, and can’t help but wonder various things and if this is deliberately disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
SuperMeerkat · 11/01/2020 14:42

Weird 🤦‍♀️ Not sure why she would do that.

Brakebackcyclebot · 11/01/2020 14:43

I think it shows a lack of self-respect.

Nothing to do with any level of respect for you.

Where exactly were they? If he went upstairs, she happened to come out of the shower, walked over a corridor and he saw her, that's a different situation. Who described her as sauntering? Him?

What did your DP do?

Sunsetsandmoons · 11/01/2020 14:44

Whose house is it? Where are his boundaries if he is upstairs while she is showering? Surely he can just pick them up. Exh sits outside in the car at an agreed time and the dc go out to him.

saraclara · 11/01/2020 14:44

He's seen her body plenty of times before. I don't get what the problem is.

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/01/2020 14:45

He was upstairs in her home. I'm not sure why you think she should modify her behaviour out of respect to you. Confused

Brakebackcyclebot · 11/01/2020 14:45

Cross posts.

"she was in her room but just walked out and back into the bathroom". Sounds rather different to sauntering.

Perhaps your DP could stop going upstairs so this can't happen. Perhaps she feels that him going upstairs is disrespectful to her.

Either way, I still don't see how it's disrespectful to you.

Your DP has choices here.

littlepaddypaws · 11/01/2020 14:45

it's her home but then again, it was possibly done to make him feel uncomfortable or saying look what you're missing. she's a twat which ever way you look at it.

Crabonastick · 11/01/2020 14:47

I kind of agree that he shouldn’t have been upstairs in her house whilst she is showering. I wouldn’t be modifying my behaviour upstairs in my own home if my ex was there with my son

messolini9 · 11/01/2020 14:47

isn’t this a bit disrespectful to me?
No. She doesn't have a relationship with you, & she didn't do it to you.

It may have been disrespectful to your ex - maybe not, because maybe she isn't hung up on him seeing her body as he's seen it all before. Or maybe she meant a discourtesy, or was looking for a reaction or to cause discomfort.

You weren't there, so you can't even begin to guess. Only DH can guess, & maybe he isn't bothered enough to try. He did bother to inform you though, which suggests his respect for you.

You can't control what the ex chooses to wear or not wear in her own home, so why not forget about whether she respects you, & focus on the fact that your DP does?

Namelessinseattle · 11/01/2020 14:47

Woman walks out of her bedroom to her bathroom after shower dressing herself....

Aibu, after my shower I was getting dressed in my room and realized I'd left my deodorant in the bathroom, I was booking in my bra and went to get it and saw my exdp had crept upstairs to "talk" to our dd. He knew I was I the shower. Am I right to think this is deliberately disrespectful?

Aderyn19 · 11/01/2020 14:47

She probably nipped between the bedroom and the bathroom without thinking or assumed he was in a different room with DD and wouldn't see her.

AgentJohnson · 11/01/2020 14:51

Disrespectful to you, you don’t own him. I personally wouldn’t but I’m guessing she’s thinking it’s not something he hasn’t seen before.

Why do you think she should take your sensibilities into account? He was upstairs in her home and he is free to say to her that he doesn’t feel comfortable but the ideas that she has to take your feelings into account in laughable.

Grumpos · 11/01/2020 14:52

Lol no.

This shit would not be happening in my life.
I mean DP and his ex don’t even talk so seeing
Her in her knickers would be unlikely but even so.

I do think it’s disrespectful of her yes, however if she’s quite an open and ‘free’ type person to whom nudity isn’t a massive big deal then maybe - maybe, it wasn’t intentional.

Your partner has told you about it, it’s not really his fault but I definitely expect him now to put something in place to avoid anything similar happening again. That can be as simple as not going upstairs in the house or just double checking before he does etc.

Maybe it’s all completely innocent and a bit of a non event but I’d feel upset and a bit pissed off for sure so no, you’re not BU

PicsInRed · 11/01/2020 14:56

Was there any overlap in your relationship, OP?

Something about them being on "good terms" but you 2 avoiding each other seems odd and incongruous. As does you mentioning (why?) how their relationship was over before it was over. Hmm As does her obvious attempt to stir a little trouble.

If there was "overlap", that's why she did it and 🤷‍♀️.

Rioux94 · 11/01/2020 14:56

No idea why you're getting a hard time from some posters OP. YANBU

I wouldn't be scantily clad around any ex I was no longer interested in. It's inappropriate.

I'm not suggesting she should "modify her behaviour in her own home" but it's common decency not to expose yourself to visitors, least of all the ExH with a partner.

GameSetMatch · 11/01/2020 14:56

It’s very unreasonable! I think she’s playing games.

JosefKeller · 11/01/2020 14:58

He was upstairs in her home. I'm not sure why you think she should modify her behaviour out of respect to you.

so you just act like you are alone if you have friends staying over, or tradesmen doing so work for you? Really? Grin Grin Grin

Blondebakingmumma · 11/01/2020 14:58

When I first read your post I was going to respond with YANBU, however she didn’t saunter downstairs after having a shower, she was in her personal space. Maybe your DP needs to respect her home boundaries. He should stay downstairs and not feel he gets free rein of her home