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Original poster

DP ex and boundaries

128 replies

Givenupsmokingatlast · 11/01/2020 14:21

NC for this though I’ve been on the site for a while.

DP is still on good terms with his exw for the sake of their children. There’s no suggestion of them reconciling and for the last few years of their marriage they basically lived apart anyway. She and I tend to avoid each other without any actual conflict so all good all round.

Which leaves me more than a bit annoyed and confused by last weekend. He was around there picking up the three girls, and she had just come out of the shower. She sauntered around in front of him in her underwear, just putting her bra on. I’m not a prude, I don’t feel jealous of her but isn’t this a bit disrespectful to me? Or am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
Ballstothisdotcom · 11/01/2020 15:00

Did she know he was upstairs in the house?
And if she was in the shower when he came in why was he upstairs?
I’ve told my ex before that if he is dropping the kids off when I’m not there can he just help them get in and make sure they are ok. If I’m there, there if no reason for him to come into the house.

She crossed a line but he should not have been there if she was not aware of it.

JemSynergy · 11/01/2020 15:00

You've heard one side. Perhaps she didn't even know he was upstairs?

Original poster
Givenupsmokingatlast · 11/01/2020 15:01

Apparently she must have known he was there as they were all talking and he was in the hallway waiting. Of course it’s her house and she can do as she wants, and he has seen it all before, so I guess maybe she just isn’t bothered, but I still feel a bit weird about him seeing her like that. I wouldn’t do the same even though I’m normally quite relaxed about nudity etc. I appreciate and respect the fact he told me and so that is what is most important and maybe I just let it go and hope he stays downstairs in future.

OP posts:
JemSynergy · 11/01/2020 15:01

You've heard one side. Perhaps she didn't even know he was upstairs?
My sister's ex doesn't even come into the house anymore and she doesn't go in his. They drop the children off at the door.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 11/01/2020 15:02

It's nothing he hasn't seen before, it's not like she gave him a lapdance , she was showering in her home and nipped from one room to another to get something/get ready, I agree with pp she either thought he wouldn't see from where he was or didn't care because she had underwear on, she has no interest in him and he's seen her birth three children, so a flash of underwear as she dashes across the hall is frankly irrelevant.
Whichever way you look at it, even if she was using her womanly wiles to tittilate him (unlikely), it may be disrespectful to him, but it's nothing to do with disrespect to you, he's not your possession.

Ballstothisdotcom · 11/01/2020 15:04

In order not to have anymore of these misunderstandings I would suggest DP stays downstairs when in his ex’s house and if the kids aren’t ready just shouts out I’ll wait in the car.

NomDeQwerty · 11/01/2020 15:08

Yes your DP needs boundaries. He shouldn't be upstairs in her home unless she has specifically invited him. He's a visitor and needs to behave like one.

FullOfJellyBeans · 11/01/2020 15:10

I think it's just crazy behaviour. Even if your DP was single it would be in insane thing to do. For most normal people that would be outrageous behaviour without any reference to their partner.

Original poster
Givenupsmokingatlast · 11/01/2020 15:13

I mentioned about their relationship being over so long ago to make the point there’s no question of her enticing him back. I do find it annoying how much she still asks for help with stuff but there another issue.

Apparently she knew he was there and made no effort to cover herself. I gather she was always relaxed about nudity etc so maybe that’s all it was, still find it odd though.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 11/01/2020 15:18

If she has always been relaxed about nudity then she was probably just being herself in her own home. Maybe he needs to stay downstairs from now on?

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/01/2020 15:18

Josef dont be deliberately obtuse

Why is the onus placed on her Hmm The dad would have heard the shower and should have gone back downstairs. Unless of course it was his objective to catch her which is entirely possible.

WestCountryLady · 11/01/2020 15:19

Are you sure one of the girls didn't come upstairs and find them upstairs together and so he fed you a story so that if the girls said anything he had an excuse?

Or maybe she has been working on her body lately and was just giving him a glimpse of what he's missing?

Either way if you and her are not at a place of being civil then you might still see her as a rival, if you want to know her reasons ask her.
It does seem strange that he can see you both naked but you won't even see or speak to one another.

CoffeeConnoiseur · 11/01/2020 15:23

Where are his boundaries if he is upstairs while she is showering?

This.

Why's he wandering around upstairs in a house that's not his when he knows a woman is showering?

That's what's disrespectful.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2020 15:24

I think the weirdest thing is that your partner even bothered to tell you this. What's the point other than to upset you or try to make you jealous?

JosefKeller · 11/01/2020 15:25

Willyoujustbequiet
you are the one who is deliberately obtuse. Just because you had sex with someone a while back doesn't make it appropriate to parade in your underwear years later.

You hear someone downstairs, brother, father, plumber, ex, you put something on!

Unless of course it was his objective to catch her which is entirely possible. so he timed his visit at the exact time she would have a shower, yes, makes total sense.
not.

JosefKeller · 11/01/2020 15:26

What's the point other than to upset you or try to make you jealous?
the point would be to be upfront about a weirdo ex and not letting one of the girls mentioning it, making him sound guilty and weird for hiding it?

toomanyleggings · 11/01/2020 15:26

You're not his wife so don't think you get to say what he can and can't do. They're too intimate I would say. He shouldn't be upstairs if their relationship is over. How long have you been dating?

RedPanda2 · 11/01/2020 15:27

He shouldn't have fone upstairs in her home

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 11/01/2020 15:29

I think quite a few men are attracted to vulnerable women as many women are attracted to edgy men

It’s often about saving them being the one that changes their lives (so they are needed)

It isn’t healthy. What is he telling your he sees in you and is that what you like

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 11/01/2020 15:30

Oops wrong thread ^ ignore .... sorry

Original poster
Givenupsmokingatlast · 11/01/2020 15:33

Apparently he goes to the girls’ rooms often to drop stuff off or help chivvy them along to get ready. I don’t think they were up to anything, I’m not paranoid or jealous of her, I just think she didn’t need to flash him deliberately which is what she seems to have done. All very well about her being relaxed about nudity but the context is odd. Of course it’s her own home but as others have said you don’t walk around in your underwear in front of visitors or tradesmen and as far as I’m concerned he’s now a normal visitor to her house and should be treated as such, ie same boundaries.

OP posts:
ByeMF · 11/01/2020 15:35

Blimey I think you are reading far too much into this. Maybe she's fucked off that he goes upstairs and wanted to make a point? Maybe their relationship is so platonic that she's not bothered by him seeing him in her underwear? Maybe she didn't think he would see her.

Anyway I doubt she did it to disrespect you. Perhaps being able to relax and behave normally in her own home is her objective.

I think what you should be reflecting on is why something so insignificant is such a big deal to you.

CoffeeConnoiseur · 11/01/2020 15:37

you don’t walk around in your underwear in front of visitors or tradesmen and as far as I’m concerned he’s now a normal visitor to her house and should be treated as such, ie same boundaries.

Well then he should behave as such.

He doesn't need to be upstairs in her house, and he's got a fucking cheek to walk around as if he owns the place.

I don't know about anyone else but visitors and tradesmen don't tend to walk upstairs uninvited in my house Confused and if they did while I was showering they'd be put in their place in no uncertain terms.

Tyersal · 11/01/2020 15:37

I can completely see why you're annoyed but to be honest I would be annoyed about him being upstairs in her house in the first place. How do you feel about that?

Quartz2208 · 11/01/2020 15:38

The fact she should have apparently known means that no she didnt. Probably wasnt thinking about it and did what we all do when we are upstairs having a shower and think others are downstairs.

Its his boundaries I think about how he treats her house which is out of kilter not hers. Now here is a question did she get in the shower when he was in the house or did he/his daughters let himself in. Because her being in the shower at all when he was trying to pick up his children is odd