DP ex and boundaries

[Givenupsmokingatlast]

NC for this though I’ve been on the site for a while.

DP is still on good terms with his exw for the sake of their children. There’s no suggestion of them reconciling and for the last few years of their marriage they basically lived apart anyway. She and I tend to avoid each other without any actual conflict so all good all round.

Which leaves me more than a bit annoyed and confused by last weekend. He was around there picking up the three girls, and she had just come out of the shower. She sauntered around in front of him in her underwear, just putting her bra on. I’m not a prude, I don’t feel jealous of her but isn’t this a bit disrespectful to me? Or am I just being old fashioned?

also we never go upstairs in each other's houses, there is no need

Op, when his ex comes to drop off or pick up the girls at your home, is she allowed upstairs and full access to your home? I’m guessing not, and that if you were upstairs out of the way when she came, you would (rightly) be annoyed if you came out of your bedroom and she was stood on the landing. He is definitely not observing appropriate boundaries.

@Givenupsmokingatlast

Can you clarify if you got together with your DP when he was still living his separate life at the family home or was he in his own house?

Well, he won't do it again, will he?

I'm not sure why he told you and I'm not understanding why you're being so possessive about him seeing her in her underwear and feeling as if she's trampling on your sensibilities? Sorry, but you are irrelevant to her. You and she have no relationship.

He has no boundaries. Speak to him about that... if you dare but stop trying to dictate what another woman does in her own home because it makes you sound a bit daft - and extremely clingy.

So far DP does all the picking up and dropping off between the houses. But I wouldn’t say upstairs is always and immutably off limits, there could be entirely innocent reasons for her to go to the girls’ bedrooms.

I’m not sure about blaming anyone for anything, that’s why I’m on here to gain the wisdom of the hive ... I won’t be taking it up with her, that’s for sure, but assuming she did it on purpose then I find it off frankly. I wouldn’t walk around like that in front of any of my exes, and not for prudish reasons either.

Givenupsmokingatlast OMG it’s HER house she can go into the girls bedroom whenever she wants too. But your DP shouldn’t be up there.

It's really not your business, OP. He can go upstairs if he chooses to do that IF his ex is ok with that. It's not your job to police (you can't anyway), you either trust him or you don't.

She is fine the way she is, it's her home and he is in it. He's the interloper, not her. Whether you find it 'off' or not is completely immaterial and you're just displaying huge insecurity about your relationship with each post.

If she invited herself up to your step kids room at pick up for some reason, and hung out around the room and the landing while you were having a shower, and stayed there while you went back and forth between the bathroom and your own bedroom, how would you feel op? Whose behaviour would you be questioning, yours or hers?

Surely if he shouldn’t go upstairs
Then ex wife would have said

Maybe they just have a nice easy going relationship. Clearly unlike all the women on this thread.

Maybe they just have a nice easy going relationship. Clearly unlike all the women on this thread.
all the women on this thread??

Did what on purpose OP? Are we all supposed to get dressed in the shower now?
She was in her house. Her home. She was not 'sauntering', that's you putting your own spin on things.
They have 3 kids together. Get over yourself and move on.

She probably nipped between the bedroom and the bathroom without thinking or assumed he was in a different room with DD and wouldn't see her.

Completely agree with this

@GertiMJN
There’s just so much crap about how dare he be upstairs. How dare he invade her privacy. He has issues with boundaries.
He should sit in the car. My ex never comes near the front door.
Etc etc

Is this how most people co parent ? With serious animosity.

Screeching “he has no boundaries”
I mean honestly- back in the real world, exes who hate each other stay in the car and fuck up their kids lives. Exes who can be civil and almost friendly end up having NOT fucked up kids. (DV and abuse aside, before anyone comes out with that)

Is this how most people co parent ? With serious animosity

No. We co-parent respectfully because we have boundaries. As I said earlier I’d have no issue with ex-H going upstairs in my house but he would always ask. As I would do to him and his wife.

Why is she a twat?

Highly likely he did ask!!! I mean WTAF!
He pushed his way upstairs
He forced himself into a room
How dare he

Then casually chit chatted with a woman who was hurt and disrespected and would have preferred him to have stayed in the car/living room.

Yes because that happens.

Literally mental folk on this site.
Boundaries - they’re a very good idea.
This woman was clearly AOK with her ex coming upstairs.
Otherwise she wouldn’t have walked around in pants. She’s clearly comfortable with the whole scenario

aroundtheworldyet there are a variety of opinions on this thread - like on most AIBU.

I'm guessing something has hit a nerve because your take on the thread is extreme.

No it’s not extreme. I have read the normal responses.
They’re just normal.
No real need for a comment.

If you think my reaction is extreme you haven’t been on AIBU for long have you

She probably nipped between the bedroom and the bathroom without thinking or assumed he was in a different room with DD and wouldn't see her

Yes, and they're relaxed enough that she's okay with letting him chivvy the kids up rather than having him sit outside in the car. Sounds like they actually have a sensible and amicable co-parenting relationship to me.

This argument seems to be getting derailed: the point is- if ex wife is happy for her ex husband to be upstairs in her house, and he is also comfortable with this- then fine. But if a boundary has been crossed/ indiscretion has occurred, then HE is the one who needs to change his behaviour. Ex wife was upstairs in her own home, and it is outrageous for the OP to be judging her/ trying to police her attire/ accusing her of ‘sauntering’. Pure sexism. Also imo there was no need for DP to mention it. Sounds like he was deliberately stirring the pot.

Not sure why he was upstairs in her home anyway tbh, most exes just stand at the front door or wait in the car.

She is happy for him to go upstairs to the girls rooms to hurry them along so there’s no boundary there as such, and would have know that he was there then. Ultimately it’s not her problem of course she can be stark naked in her own house all she wants, I’m just surprised she’s happy for her ex to see her in pants putting on her bra; I wouldn’t be for any of my exe’s.

Well he was upstairs

I have been drying my hair and ex had knocked on the door and came in to ask a question and I am just in underwear. I didn’t think about it until later but we are familiar with each other. Other times I notice we are more familiar with each other than I am say with male friends

I guess I wouldn’t be particularly pleased if in op’s position but I think you are over thinking it

That’s wierd
But nothing for you to do
He just needs to say ‘put your clothes on for gods sake ‘ if it happens again