DP ex and boundaries

[Givenupsmokingatlast]

NC for this though I’ve been on the site for a while.

DP is still on good terms with his exw for the sake of their children. There’s no suggestion of them reconciling and for the last few years of their marriage they basically lived apart anyway. She and I tend to avoid each other without any actual conflict so all good all round.

Which leaves me more than a bit annoyed and confused by last weekend. He was around there picking up the three girls, and she had just come out of the shower. She sauntered around in front of him in her underwear, just putting her bra on. I’m not a prude, I don’t feel jealous of her but isn’t this a bit disrespectful to me? Or am I just being old fashioned?

@Givenupsmokingatlast you can't control what other people do, only what you do. If he's uncomfortable and he doesn't want to upset you then he will not go inside again. If he continues to allow this over familiar behaviour that clearly leads to the questionable situation of him seeing her naked you need to make the decision if you want to be in a relationship with a man with such disregard for you

I don't think he should be going upstairs full stop.
If the kids encourage him to go upstairs then he needs to tell his ex to have the kids ready at x time and can she send them out to him please whilst he waits outside.

He was upstairs talking to one of the girls

Then he has boundary issues.

I think the suggestions/expectations that an ex partner not step over the threshold are downright odd.

as far as I’m concerned he’s now a normal visitor to her house and should be treated as such, ie same boundaries

Hahahahaha! Boundaries? He was upstairs in his ex’s house but she needs to be putting in boundaries? You are one frog short of a box of bloody frogs.

He should not be going upstairs. It's really crossing boundaries. Why can't he just shout from the bottom of the stairs if he is hurrying them up.

None of my visitors go upstairs in my house and I wouldn't expect to go upstairs in a house I was visiting, he is a visitor.

It’s not disrespectful to anyone except perhaps the ex who has every right to walk around the upstairs of her own house as she sees fit. He shouldn’t have been there.

In the real world, anyone would at least find it odd that a woman parades in her underwear in front of your partner or boyfriend. It's not normal. The fact that they had sex in the past doesn't change that. I would find it weird to have male friends in their underwear too!

It's just disrespectful.

And it's normal for the parent picking up to go upstairs - haven't you had parents of a friend over for a playdate popping in the kids bedroom to hurry their child along to come home? You wouldn't be in your underwear to do that either, would you.

It's MN, so of course people will find fault in the "Ex-DH" or worst, the new partner, but it's just arguing for the sake of it.

If you judge he is a normal visitor then he shouldn't be upstairs. You are putting all the responsibility on her, in her house, whereas he is the one who should respect boundaries.

Does he even ask his Ex if he goes upstairs? If not he is seriously overstepping and invading her private space.

If you feel disrespected it is because of his behaviour not hers.

Woman walks around her own bedroom and bathroom after having a shower, whilst getting dressed in the process.

Male visitor has walked upstairs and catches a glimpse of her.

Not sure why it is the woman's fault?!

She was odd and inappropriate. YANBU.

Are you sure one of the girls didn't come upstairs and find them upstairs together and so he fed you a story so that if the girls said anything he had an excuse?

My first thought too.

And it's normal for the parent picking up to go upstairs

Erm....nope!

If she didn’t want him upstairs she would have said so long before. And if he’s just hurrying the children along then I don’t see it as such a massive issue. As I said in the OP they were apparently all having a conversation so she knew he was there, and had no problem walking out of her room knowing he’d see her undressed.

As I’ve said I haven’t been sure what if anything I should be thinking, hence I came on here for advice and am grateful for all the different perspectives so far. If nothing else it shows I’m not wrong being unsure.

I guess part of it is that she and I are still a bit awkward with each other and so in those circumstances I’m less comfortable, also she is his ex, so on the one hand they had sex many times and he’s seen it all before; on the other hand they’re separated so he shouldn’t be seeing it at all now.

Could it not be that maybe when she was going for a shower your partner was downstairs but decided to go and talk to his daughter which isn't her fault she probably never knew he was upstairs

You are right to be worried about boundaries.
Your partner has none in a home that isn't his.

You are making excuses for some pretty crappy behaviour, OP.

Whose crappy behaviour Sotiredofthislife? His or hers or both?

on the other hand they’re separated so he shouldn’t be seeing it at all now

So tell him to stop going upstairs in her house.

My ex regularly comes and picks DD up at mine, if DD wants to show him something, wants him to go to her room he asks permission of me every time.

I agree, he is the problem he demonstrated zero boundaries in someone else's space. But you are not interested in hearing that perspective as it does not fit your narrative....

Did he used to live in what is now her house? My ex DH had a tendency to forget it wasn't his house any more, til we had Words.

I honestly can't see what the nature of your relationship with the ex has to with it all or how you interpret it as disrespectful to you

If their relationship is such that he is very much "at home" and wanders around the house, upstairs as well as down, then it is inevitable that he will be exposed to other "at home" behaviours such as his ex wandering around after a shower.

Why is it women are always describes as 'parading' or 'sauntering'. She walked from her bathroom to her bedroom while doing up her bra, pretty normal, if he felt uncomfortable he should've gone downstairs, it's not his house.