To ask what you are supposed to do

[drspouse]

DS has an EHCP.
It's not very good and we have a tribunal coming up.
He has some challenging behaviour. We admit this and we are doing our best.
He moved school in Sept after we looked at 8 new schools, including 4 special schools.
The new school has just permanently excluded him. They have not tried all the suggestions of EP, OT etc and we know this is illegal but it doesn't help with the fact that he now has no school.
They are suggesting he goes to the PRU. I'm sure it's very nice but he has only just started to settle at the new school.
He's 8, in year 3, and loves to play with his teddies. We were told some of the older children at the SEMH schools we looked at had pulled knives on teachers. If there's any child like that at the PRU it will break him.
We both work, I've just been told I can't reduce my hours any further and DH has just started a secondment which will be for a year. The PRU has no after school club. We both have meetings at any/every hour of the working day. Giving up either of our jobs is not an option.
So we can't HE (and we don't want to, and we shouldn't have to, and it would be awful for DS).
What are parents of a child with SEN actually supposed to do? Is the idea that we are both supposed to sit at home with our child and keep him away from other children/schools/the public? Are we not supposed to work? Is the country going to pay us our (fairly high, which is partly why we aren't giving up work) salary for not working?
Note before you suggest it: yes we know we can look at out of area schools. We did, they are included in the ones above. We live quite rurally. We can't move (I have tried to move jobs for years). But we need school for DS NOW. Not in 6 months time after we've moved/fought for a private school place (there are none suitable anyway)/I've lost my job.

Thats a really positive step. I think you might be pleasantly surprised at how the staff will actually understand your son and be willing to work with him. If the anxiety of school is reduced, you may also find it would be easier to find a childminder /aupair / pt nanny who COULD work with him, for school runs, or fun stuff, to bridge the gaps - there are specialist childcare providers out there and a continuity of care is really beneficial.
And the PRU wont want him to stay there, they will want to be part of the journey to finding him somewhere suitable, and also helping him to self regulate. My daughter is at a very different place now to that when she was younger - it took time and it took removing her from an environment that was keeping her anxiety levels up high, but she will be fine in the end

We do have a specialist childcare provider but while the agency head babysits every so often for a night out, she's so busy that she couldn't do pickup, or actually much else, and we've had little success with anyone else (they give up after one try, or actually don't turn up at all, cancel multiple times etc. etc.)

NRTHT but If there really isn't anything else and you can't afford someone to home tutor/nanny him then as harsh as it sounds but I think one of you may have no choice to give up your job. He is your responsibility at the end of the day, good luck with the tribunal though.

If you are in receipt of DLA then you can take parental leave in single days, rather than weeks.

Ask the PRU exactly how they would deliver each item of support in section F of the EHCP.

The problem is that his challenging behaviour is likely to be having a detrimental effect on other kids who also deserve an education. Looking for a childminder/nanny seems to be what you need to do and take the PRU place. My DD's mental health was ruined by other pupils disruptive, violent behaviour, it's not just about your son remember

Ps dd missed 2 years of education due to anxiety which stemmed from the behaviour at her school

OP. How did you find the PRU?

Hi OP. Just wondering how things are going? You and your family have been in my thoughts.

You do realise that when you had a child. You’d have to take them and pick said child up from school right?

Op I do understand how stressful your situation must be. I have some experience although not for SEN reasons. One of my DC has a serious health condition from birth. I have had many battles within the education system to ensure my child was included and safe however at the end of day I knew how to manage it best and I could ensure their ongoing development therefore even though others should on paper manage the various issues I knew that wouldn't benefit my child in the long run and would add extra stress to our family life therefore we took the pay hit and I changed jobs and reduced my hours so I could be flexible and after school / holiday club was not needed.

Also it wasn't just assumed by DH that it would be me. It was a considered decision between us.

Sorry but the reality is as it stands your jobs does not suit your situation. Why is the emphasis all on the school - what about you and your DHs work? You don't seem very cross that your employers are not being particularly supportive considering your current situation at home?

@Mrshue yes, but most people are able to use wraparound care.

You do realise that when you had a child. You’d have to take them and pick said child up from school right?

Not unless the child is placed at the nearest suitable school and that school is less than three miles away (two miles for under 8s), and/or unless that child doesn't qualify for transport by reason of disability.

@ClownsandCowboys

I don’t know anybody who uses that.....usually one parent picks up and drops off. I don’t know any parent who uses full time care

I’ve got two friends who are hospital consultants. Even they pick their child up twice a week.

@Equanimitas. I have a child with SEN. I’m disabled. I’m in and out of hospital once a month. I wasn’t disabled until I have my second child. My child is at a school 15 miles away.
I don’t have any family near by who can help. We’ve HAD to rely on friends. My husband. It’s been a nightmare. But what can I do? I had children. I promised to care for those children whatever may happen to the best of my ability. I’m retraining so I can have a better job and one that means I mostly work from home

You’ve got children. You have to make some sacrifices. Especially when disabilities are involved.

At DD's school (which was DS school) 60 families a day use wraparound care (and that means more families use it because not all of them use it every day). My GP friend has a babysitter that picks up from after school club if she's doing a late surgery. My anaesthetist friend used a CM overnight when she was in the hospital all night. The brother of a former classmate of DS's who goes to the MLD school goes to the after school care there, and (like DS) to holiday club at DD school. It's standard to use wraparound care (and, like I already said, when I asked for suggestions about DD not coping with week long wraparound care, I was told she would have to learn to put up with it).

It's not my employer's fault that they can't have staff working mornings only - they'd be out of business if all the staff who have kids asked to do mornings only, or even till 2.30 every day!

The presumption is, as usual, that mums don't work, or have a little job that earns pin money and can be easily given up without affecting the family negatively.

I’ve got two friends who are hospital consultants. Even they pick their child up twice a week.
As did my friend when hers was school age. As do I. But not every day. Do you think the hospital would give them a contract that allowed that?

PRU - meh. They have a place, they have at least half a clue, we have no choice at this point, it is better than him being at home, getting more and more anxious about going out, and not socialising. DS will want to spend his whole time in their sensory room, we are sure, they are pessimistic about finding a TA that can transfer with him to another school (which is what his EHCP says).

Solicitor - "they haven't got a leg to stand on", we will write to appeal ourselves. If it's granted we will keep him dual registered as per solicitor and PRU suggestion until either we find another school that works or until the school get their act together and we have a TA that will go back with him. I am not sure if I mentioned earlier but there was a change of HT after sick leave, in the middle of the term, and we think the current HT has no SEND training at all. Solicitor is surprised that the LEA are advising school to do this (well, actually, surprised they haven't stepped in urgently to tell them DO NOT DO THIS) and there's little doubt we'd win a disability discrimination case.

By the way I have not answered every point (as I have said several times before) where either I or another poster has answered it. So don't keep saying BUT I SAID YOU SHOULD MOVE/TAKE PARENTAL LEAVE/CHANGE YOUR WORKING HOURS when I have already answered that.

Oops forgot to say
DH has (as I've said) arranged a few afternoons AL for tricky days and we are now looking for a babysitter (we did have one that was reliable but DS was horrible to them and we wouldn't inflict him on them again, but at least it's possible for a reliable one to exist). We can probably cover all pickups except one or two. That's what most families we know do, including those with children with SEN - if you work part time it's NOT school hours, it's a few full days or a mixture and then you use SOME wraparound care - we know full time wraparound care works for neither child, but both have coped well with a day or two a week where the club understands them, and DS in particular has been very fond of his after school workers.

I have some experience of having an sen child and a few of my friends also have kids with sen. The main thing any of them would say is that you have to change everything yourselves to help your child. The local authorities are different area to area, some good, some bad but even the good ones can only offer you so much. You have to do the most.
Either home educating, or moving nearer to one of the special school. I know you've said this would be very difficult but there has to be compromises on both sides.
Also look at all of the mainstream primary schools in your area, some will be much better handling kids with sen than others

Im glad that you have got a vague kind of thing going on with, hopefully some positive-ish steps

but DS was horrible to them and we wouldn't inflict him on them again

What did he do to them that was so horrible you wouldn’t inflict it on anyone again?

He was just quite out of control, the babysitter was lovely but ever so young and not very firm.
The care agency lady took over and she's very experienced but not very available.

Appeal the expulsion
Head teacher must abide by the ehcp
I would not he agreeing to send a child that young to a pru
Fight for him to stay at the school

Just a thought. When I was teaching (in special ed) our TAs would often be asked to do after school care or respite for individual pupils (or those from other special schools in the area) in the pupil's home. As they are pretty low paid, they are often looking for extra work - and of course they're very used to BIG behaviour problems.

So if you do need after school care, it might be worth emailing special schools in the area to ask if they can publicise the role you need filling.

Out of control how?

Drspouse I've not RTFT but have you tried sitting DS down and talking to him?

I'm sorry, I think that's the only Bingo phrase missing

It sounds a bit more hopeful then before you visited.