To ask what you are supposed to do

[drspouse]

DS has an EHCP.
It's not very good and we have a tribunal coming up.
He has some challenging behaviour. We admit this and we are doing our best.
He moved school in Sept after we looked at 8 new schools, including 4 special schools.
The new school has just permanently excluded him. They have not tried all the suggestions of EP, OT etc and we know this is illegal but it doesn't help with the fact that he now has no school.
They are suggesting he goes to the PRU. I'm sure it's very nice but he has only just started to settle at the new school.
He's 8, in year 3, and loves to play with his teddies. We were told some of the older children at the SEMH schools we looked at had pulled knives on teachers. If there's any child like that at the PRU it will break him.
We both work, I've just been told I can't reduce my hours any further and DH has just started a secondment which will be for a year. The PRU has no after school club. We both have meetings at any/every hour of the working day. Giving up either of our jobs is not an option.
So we can't HE (and we don't want to, and we shouldn't have to, and it would be awful for DS).
What are parents of a child with SEN actually supposed to do? Is the idea that we are both supposed to sit at home with our child and keep him away from other children/schools/the public? Are we not supposed to work? Is the country going to pay us our (fairly high, which is partly why we aren't giving up work) salary for not working?
Note before you suggest it: yes we know we can look at out of area schools. We did, they are included in the ones above. We live quite rurally. We can't move (I have tried to move jobs for years). But we need school for DS NOW. Not in 6 months time after we've moved/fought for a private school place (there are none suitable anyway)/I've lost my job.

[Christmaspug]

Hello
I’ve 2 with autism
My eldest was excluded from 2 secondary schools ,so from age 12 we had lea tutors till age 17 ,I had to be in the house when they were here ,mornings and afternoons 4 days a week
My youngest has been out of school 2 years with ehcp ,waiting for place at suitable special school.
Lea don’t give a shit about parents needing to work ,it’s expected your there to sort things out and get them to camhs appointments.

[WorldsOnFire]

I think a lot of it comes down to whether he is a danger to other children.

If he is - the school ADNBU to exclude him regardless of whether they’ve taken every step/tried every option other children’s safety doesn’t come second simply because one child has SEN.
It he’s not- the school ABVU to exclude him and should be doing everything possible to support.

FWIW my sibling had a learning disability, physical disability and chronic disease which made schooling hard. So I understand that it’s not easy. However during his year 6 a child with SEN who was violent transferred in and put my sibling in serious danger several times. They excluded the kid and his parents kicked off but what else were they supposed to do? One child’s rights unfortunately don’t out way others. Also ‘trying new steps and recommendations’ takes time, during which other kids are being put at risk.

[drspouse]

Does society not want us to be productive?

[drspouse]

@WorldsOnFire it is illegal to exclude if they haven't tried to meet his needs EVEN IF he has hurt other children.

[Christmaspug]

I think if I was you op ,I’d try to see if you can get a childminder to have him .or pay for a nanny to live in at home.you sound like you earn a lot of money so a live in nanny might be best as it would free you up to earn money while the nanny did some school work with him .
Or a family member step in ?
I don’t know
I had to give my job up ,it was expected I was home with them both

[Bigearringsbigsmile]

i'm sorry but children don't get permanently excluded for pushing other children . He must have been kicking seven shades out of the teachers for it to have gone this far.

needs must when the devil vomits in your kettle i am afraid. You need to choose one of the schools that are being offered or home educate. I don't know what else you expect to be done.
It's all very well saying you have looked at schools-stop looking and choose one and then work with them to try and make it a success.

[Christmaspug]

My child was t kicking shades of the teachers to get excluded
.mine climbed on the roof of the school to escape bullies trying to beat him up ...bullies didn’t get excluded thou

[Christmaspug]

Wasn’t

[TorysSuckRevokeArticle50]

This is what you need to do from the IPSEA website:

For a permanent exclusion, it is the LA who must provide the alternative education. You should write to the Director of Children’s Services at your LA as soon as you learn that your child has been permanently excluded, telling them that you expect full time provision to be made. You should be able to find the Director’s details on your LA website.
In your letter or email, you should set out:
• the date by which the LA will have a duty to provide full-time education for your child (i.e. from the sixth school day after the exclusion)
• your child’s age
• details of your child’s special educational needs and of the provision which will be required in order for the alternative education provision to be ‘suitable’
• attach a copy of your child’s EHC plan, and ask for details of how the LA intends to ensure that the special educational provision is received.
Keep a copy of your letter so you have a record of your contact with the LA.
As above, the LA has a continuing duty to ensure that the provision in the EHC plan is received. This duty applies even though your child is excluded from school.

In the meantime for practicality you could:

• Request up to 4 weeks unpaid parental leave - every parent is entitled to 18 weeks unpaid leave between birth and the child reaching 18 years old.
• hire a daytime nanny to look after DS at home

www.childcare.co.uk/find/Nannies?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI95-M7cL75gIVSrTtCh2V5ATOEAAYAiAAEgLo8vD_BwE

[drspouse]

No family members; we don't have room for a nanny (though we could rearrange things) and sadly SEN nannies are £££££ and we only earn £££ with carers allowance being pennies.
Think bankers being able to afford SEN nannies and head teachers not, but still able to pay for private therapy, and you'll get the scale of things.

[PumpkinCounty]

My Dsis had the same issue with schooling for my nephew who has autism.
She had to stop work and homeschool him (tried to anyway, it failed as he really needed specialist support). It took two years of fighting to get him into a school.

[Christmaspug]

Au pair ?

[drspouse]

You can't take parental leave without 3 weeks notice (and this is one of our busy times, though DH might get it in 3 weeks time) but even being at home for 3 weeks would destroy DS we feel.

[drspouse]

@TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 we have read all that, and the solicitor will be sending a strongly worded letter on Monday.
It doesn't help us or DS at all in the short or long term.

[drspouse]

DS broke all the babysitters. An au pair would not cope.

[Christmaspug]

Take him to work with you on Monday ,with books and things to keep him busy

[drspouse]

Ha ha ha ha ha.
I wouldn't get a second's worth of work done.

[TheMustressMhor]

In what way would being at home for three weeks break DS?

[Mrshue]

You’ve not got a lot of options it seems here
you can’t house a nanny. Your child also would ‘break’ a nanny you’ve said. You don’t want any of the schools. He can’t travel more than 4 miles otherwise he gets sick. You can’t move. You can’t home educate. He’s been excluded from the school he was at. The tribunal will take a good 6 months. You can’t change hours. You don’t want to give up your job because of the money

You’ve had a child. He’s your responsibility I’m afraid and whilst yes the school hasn’t done right by him. By the laws of this land. You’ve got to fight that. But it will take time. Nothing is immediate

In the meantime. What would you want to happen? Would you want him to go back to the schools he excluded from?

It seems your only option. Is to educate him at home whilst this is sorted out. Forget everything else right now and focus on him. He’s your child. Something has got to give. Either a nanny. Who will break. Or tutors. Who will break it seems. You’ve not got choice here. So something has got to give.

[TheMustressMhor]

Sorry OP. I meant "destroy" DS, not "break".

[Daisy7654]

It's pretty awful but as above posters say: the state won't provide so much that you can both work. Work will have to go or you could end up in worse position.

1)Pay very resilient nanny to look after him all day while you both work. Good luck with this.
2)One of you gives up work. Home school. This would be my recommended option. Move if necessary if you can't afford current house without two salaries. It can be done, move to (buying house on) council estate if necessary. Plenty of people have to do this due to disabled children/ life events.

3)Persuade a resilient family member to live with you full time and look after him and take him to all CAMHS appointments. For 10 years.

Your quite right to be apprehensive to put 8year old in pru. Knives etc stories are v true. I have worked in them.

Welcome to having disabled children in UK 2020. I also have a disabled child so above advice is from the heart.

[sadwithkiddies]

I'm sorry to say I know 2 families in the same boat.
The mums involved simply can't work.
1 child had been out of school for 28 months but has just started residential school...at a placement for children with behavioural issues.
The other child is on yet another new special school but was suspended again on the first day of this term....so now more meetings to get him back into school.
My own child was very successful in PRU and now lea pay for a private school.
It is very very tough. Good luck.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Your frustration is palpable but I'm not sure that anything near a "good" solution exists. I'd be looking at the best of the options so you have some type of plan.

Immediately, someone will have to either take him to work or take time off/work from home next week if there's no other options for care. Realistically I'd expect that to be for at least all of next week, unless you can have friends/family/a nanny step in.

Then it's a question of trying the PRU. It's clearly not ideal, but it sounds like one of the only fast options, and would allow you both to remain at work.

If he doesn't try the PRU, and none of the specialist schools seem suitable, you'll have to explore other options. Someone HE, him travelling further away for school, an online school, etc.

I appreciate completely that none of this suits the life you have or the one you want and that it feels horrendously unfair, but in my experience with this type of thing (more Midlands than NE, so the specifics probably won't help), getting the practicalities sorted helps, even if all of the options feel awful.

[FraglesRock]

It does sound like a non specialist school isn't the right place for him if a babysitter or au pair can't cope with him.
Does he qualify for a 1:2:1
How well funded was the school, did it have ta's in each classroom?
As a teacher it's a thankless task, I used to do supply in a classroom with a violent child. I ended doing 1:2:1 with him and set the other 34 children off an a task. Dreadful outcome re reaching goals but it got us through with no violent outbursts or chairs being thrown.

[TorysSuckRevokeArticle50]

Apologies, just realised I missed the point of this post. It wasn't to ask for suggestions on what you could do. It was to tell us that there is nothing and that everything is against you and DS.

Lots of suggestions have been offered, and yes it is difficult, but no it won't be fixed by Monday, with an ideal school place popping up like magic.

Be realistic, you must have been aware that the school were not supporting the EHcP, and that your DS behaviour was causing issues at the school for the teachers and other pupils for a while. They didn't exclude out of the blue with no build up. There is a limit, no teachers should have to accept being hit by an 8 year old on a regular basis, and as a parent, honestly I would not accept a child hitting/shoving mine at all regardless of the reasons.

If there are alternative provisions within your area that the LA will support the. You need to try them, not just discount the,. Unless you are willing and able to foot the bill for private provision.