To ask what you are supposed to do

[drspouse]

DS has an EHCP.
It's not very good and we have a tribunal coming up.
He has some challenging behaviour. We admit this and we are doing our best.
He moved school in Sept after we looked at 8 new schools, including 4 special schools.
The new school has just permanently excluded him. They have not tried all the suggestions of EP, OT etc and we know this is illegal but it doesn't help with the fact that he now has no school.
They are suggesting he goes to the PRU. I'm sure it's very nice but he has only just started to settle at the new school.
He's 8, in year 3, and loves to play with his teddies. We were told some of the older children at the SEMH schools we looked at had pulled knives on teachers. If there's any child like that at the PRU it will break him.
We both work, I've just been told I can't reduce my hours any further and DH has just started a secondment which will be for a year. The PRU has no after school club. We both have meetings at any/every hour of the working day. Giving up either of our jobs is not an option.
So we can't HE (and we don't want to, and we shouldn't have to, and it would be awful for DS).
What are parents of a child with SEN actually supposed to do? Is the idea that we are both supposed to sit at home with our child and keep him away from other children/schools/the public? Are we not supposed to work? Is the country going to pay us our (fairly high, which is partly why we aren't giving up work) salary for not working?
Note before you suggest it: yes we know we can look at out of area schools. We did, they are included in the ones above. We live quite rurally. We can't move (I have tried to move jobs for years). But we need school for DS NOW. Not in 6 months time after we've moved/fought for a private school place (there are none suitable anyway)/I've lost my job.

I feel so sorry for you, OP. You don’t deserve the stick you are getting from some people on this thread. If I were you I’d ask for this thread to be pulled.

I understand why you posted here and not on the SN boards, but the truth is that very few people who aren’t in your situation can really understand it. Not even teachers or TAs or someone who’s brother’s sister’s kid has SEN. Nobody understands unless THEY have been through this with THEIR child. And nobody without experience and expertise in this area can advise you. Random strangers piling on with opinions when they are ill equipped to advise won’t sort your situation.

You need a good SEN lawyer to advise on your position and some frank discussions with your husband about what practical steps you’ll need to take to change your lives to fit around your son’s needs.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

I think bigearrings said what I was trying to say, much more eloquently.

But I also think that there is no answer here. Something has to be compromised - his education, his comfort, OP or her husband's jobs. With all the will in the world, there's no way to change that. Even after the legal challenge is done, because it may well force the LEA to provide an education, but the LEA doesn't have to provide a good education...

I don't see why a private school's out of the question if it's essential to keep working. I work in one. We manage to accommodate some DC with quite serious medical and social needs because we're small, staff to student ratio is high and we have a nurse on staff. We're not SEN specialist at all - moderately selective in fact. I wouldn't rule out the "hippy school". Have you visited it?

OP, you're absolute right. The SEN system is a shambles, a fact that was acknowledged robustly last year by the House of Commons Select Committee. We need much more by way of specialist placements, we need teachers to be better trained, and we need mainstream schools to be better resourced. As the Select Committee also pointed out, we need a change of culture in local authority education departments: too many of them think it is perfectly acceptable to save money by ignoring the law and sacrificing children with SEN and disabilities.

That said, I'm a bit worried that you are getting some iffy advice and are ignoring points made about it upthread. It really doesn't take 6 months to challenge a permanent exclusion, nor does it normally take 6 months for a tribunal appeal to go through. Also, have you looked into whether the PRU is able to meet the requirements of the current EHCP? If not, you have a cast iron reason not to agree to a placement there.

stopmegixt

Er I resent the implication there.

I have had to make significant changes to my life to care for an elderly parent. I can sympathise with how daunting big changes can be.

Also, I used to work with foster carers and advise them on various things.

I spoke about my brother as he was in a similar position and it almost broke him. And his wife.

Adoptive families of the have it very hard. And have to make huge sacrifices as the children they adopt often have additional needs.

I don't see why a private school's out of the question if it's essential to keep working.

There isn't one. We'd happily pay! The mainstream private schools (well, one) wouldn't be any better than state mainstream and the independent specialist schools are all too far AND not suitable.

@Equanimitas. The op isn’t willing to budge an inch. I have a send child myself. I know the problems that are encountered. But there had to be a line where people have got to start helping or accommodating slightly. Just slightly.

Ok yes. The OP MAY have been wronged. But she’s not willing for her to take time off to help her child. Nor is her husband. Who is holed up at work. She’s not willing to get a nanny. An ah pair. She wants him to go back to a school that has excluded him? And is unwilling to help facilitate that.

At this point in time. The school have excluded him. Although they’ve said they could help. Maybe they’ve realised they can’t. He can’t of just been excluded with no prior problems. Like my child can’t go to school and then go. Right. He’s gone! He hit a teacher. It doesn’t work like that

If I was in her position. I’d be doing whatever I could at this point to help my child. For they are MY child. If that meant time off work. So be it. Wrongly maybe. But it’s about facts now

Fact. Her child is excluded

Fact. She can’t take time off work

Fact. She can’t get a nanny or au pair

Fact. She won’t send him to any other school

Fact. He can’t travel more than 4 miles otherwise he gets sick

Fact. Come Monday. She’s going to be in a pickle.

Yes. We all feel for this child. My heart breaks for him. But you’ve got to sometimes give a little.

Something so where has got to give come Monday.

@Equanimitas

Of course they should of legally done it. But they haven’t. And now what? Take them to tribunal. But it’s not going to be sorted this week. OP herself says it’s a good 6 months.

What does she do?

I don’t know any parents of adopted children where both manage to work full time, myself included. Surely the assessment and matching process included discussions around the level of needs adopted children often have and included discussion around how you might meet your child’s care needs if indeed they weren’t able to cope with full time school. I think part of going into adoption has to include the knowledge that it’s likely you simply won’t be able to pursue your career in the same way that might be possible if you had birth children.

I’d suggest starting a thread on the adoption boards, lots of friendly, experienced and very knowledgeable people who might be able to help.

What jellycat said.

Why is the private mainstream not suitable?
I mean, it's clear that nothing will suit you, but why?

Around here it's 32 kids in a class maybe 0.5 or 1 ta and some 121 tas but only in non verbal cases.

Private schools, of which we have many, are 15-20 children per class, 2-3 tas and one to one's for so much as type 1 diabetes.

Surely this smaller, calmer, environment, would suit your Teddy loving 8 year old.

I do wish everyone would read my posts before jumping in. I can't find a question I haven't answered.

I've read lots of excuses and refusals.

But that is also The Mumsnet Way. Post first with questions that have been answered, don't ever bother reading the answers.

(Or the posts where they were answered BEFORE you asked).

Why can’t you??

Go on sick leave
Go into a pru in as a short term solution
Look at private schools
Reconsider your career for your sons needs

The OP comes across as very entitled. I do understand how frustrating it can be dealing with the authorities and in the end I made the difficult decision to give up my well-paid career for a few years to support my child by home-schooling. After a few years at home during primary years he happily went into mainstream secondary with a totally different attitude and the one-to-one home-schooling helped him to catch up academically. I think you need to take responsibility. It is unfair to expect over-worked and underpaid TAs and teachers to deal with his difficult behaviour in a mainstream classroom setting.

You’re unwilling to compromise

The school you took him out of is bad. But you want him back in there as the alternative is so shit. This is the less shit option.

I get it.

Short term you’re going to have to make some compromises.

OP I do feel for you but I think you're being unnecessarily aggressive to a lot of posters who've spent a lot of time trying to help you here. I've just read the whole 14 pages but not sure I could perfectly recite all the salient points back...

I find it very sad to think that for children without special needs they hound you down to get them to school. With children like yours nobody hounds you.
I don't have any advise other than good luck. Are there any residential schools that he could go to?

I'm not sure what part of "if we don't work we can't afford assessments, therapy or a solicitor" isn't clear.
What’s happening in terms of post adoption support re assessments and therapy? Of course not working would leave you with a financial gap - have you explored the possibility of an adoption allowance from his placing authority? That can sometimes facilitate a parent to stay home/provide specialist care or tutoring etc. If you haven’t already, do come over to the adoption boards. Your child’s previous looked after status can sometimes open doors to supports that otherwise may not be available.

The fundamental issue is that he has been excluded for being violent. I have a DC with ASD and when I met with them to discuss him they were very clear that if he were violent he too would be excluded, SEN or not.

You argue that it is their fault he was violent and this may be the case but it doesn't get round the fact that people who are entitled to be safe at work were not.

I'd argue that we all make massive sacrifices for our kids depending on the situation and that sometimes those sacrifices are hard to swallow given what we believe should be available in terms of support.

It does sound like you are between a rock and a hard place but one of those will have to give. Her there is no other option.

It sounds really hard OP but in saying that you're being massively unrealistic in insisting a child that can't be managed on a one to one basis by a babysitter or a nanny in the setting where he is most content i.e. his own home can be educated and managed adequately in a mainstream school in a class with approximately 25-30 other children.

And the fact is you're right, he does have a right to an education. But that is different to a right to the only option you want. The LA have offered you a PRU and it is your choice to not send him and keep him at home.

Jellycats I was thinking the same. You've pursued adoption but your ds is being looked after by everyone else except his parents? I'm so confused? Yes I have read all the posts and your replies. Yes I understand how hard it is. I've put my life on hold for my 4 year old grandson who has attachment disorder and can only do half days at school, hes in Reception. At the moment the school have bent over backwards to help him. They can only afford his 1 2 1 for half the day. He starts 15 minutes later than the school and goes in through a main door so he doesnt get stressed or overwhelmed by the noise of other children. He has a workstation which has been specially set up for him so he can go and feel safe if the classroom is overwhelming him. We are just starting our journey. My daughter works full time and as a single mum I want her to be able to have a good career so as her mother I've stepped up to look after my gs every day from 1 till 6. It's hard and I have other commitments but my family will always come first. I dont understand why you want wrap around care for your children. It sounds like your ds has alot of trauma related issues that need to be addressed. Throwing money at counselling isnt always what's needed. He needs a safe stable home first before he can be expected to feel secure and safe outside that environment in a school placement. I really hope he gets the help and support he needs. I really feel for him xx

Good point re expecting one classroom teacher to manage when he has 'broken' every adult who has tried to care for him - how are the school supposed to cope when you've said lots of trained adults looking after him one on one can't?