To ask what you are supposed to do

[drspouse]

DS has an EHCP.
It's not very good and we have a tribunal coming up.
He has some challenging behaviour. We admit this and we are doing our best.
He moved school in Sept after we looked at 8 new schools, including 4 special schools.
The new school has just permanently excluded him. They have not tried all the suggestions of EP, OT etc and we know this is illegal but it doesn't help with the fact that he now has no school.
They are suggesting he goes to the PRU. I'm sure it's very nice but he has only just started to settle at the new school.
He's 8, in year 3, and loves to play with his teddies. We were told some of the older children at the SEMH schools we looked at had pulled knives on teachers. If there's any child like that at the PRU it will break him.
We both work, I've just been told I can't reduce my hours any further and DH has just started a secondment which will be for a year. The PRU has no after school club. We both have meetings at any/every hour of the working day. Giving up either of our jobs is not an option.
So we can't HE (and we don't want to, and we shouldn't have to, and it would be awful for DS).
What are parents of a child with SEN actually supposed to do? Is the idea that we are both supposed to sit at home with our child and keep him away from other children/schools/the public? Are we not supposed to work? Is the country going to pay us our (fairly high, which is partly why we aren't giving up work) salary for not working?
Note before you suggest it: yes we know we can look at out of area schools. We did, they are included in the ones above. We live quite rurally. We can't move (I have tried to move jobs for years). But we need school for DS NOW. Not in 6 months time after we've moved/fought for a private school place (there are none suitable anyway)/I've lost my job.

Nothing is going to be sorted next week, OP. You need to look for a longer term solution.

I had to give up work for a few years because both DSs had chronic asthma and missed a lot of school, you may have to do the same. Your child's needs have to come first.

I'm not willing to share my location.
My DS (and DD) needs include us working. I can't just "give up work for a few years". I would be taking early retirement at 50 because I would never get another job.
It wouldn't help DS if I was at home full time anyway because being at home with me (or DH) would not be good for him.
There are no private mainstream schools near us (well, there's a hippy school but they'd get rid of him in an instant. Very poor reputation for SEN too).

You sound delightful

Shame. The school I’m talking about has a very well deserved reputation for SEN. They also offer support throughout wraparound care.

Obviously you’re right to not share your location. All the best.

*your not you’re. Rather changes the point.

Are you being unreasonable? No. I say that as a teacher and the Mum of an adult with autism. My son was excluded by a special school over a decade ago now and we had a long fight to get appropriate provision and support. The exclusion broke the law as did the LA many times over our two year battle. I took an unpaid career break for a year then my ex husband took a year. I had the greater earning potential at that point so we swapped roles.

Being in the right does not mean anything is going to change. You will have to fight and fight. It will be brutal. You will have spanners thrown in the works at all turns. Is it right? No. Is it fair? No. Will that make a difference? No.

All you can do is fight and deal with where you are now. Schools do not ha e to provide wrap around care. However, the LA has a duty to help keep carers who work or are in education in their job or education. You can ring the LA and ask for an assessment. That will take time. You can appeal it the LA are likely to put up opposition and drag it out. That will take time. It isn't going to be resol ed by the end of the week. All you can do is deal with where you are now and keep fighting.

My advice would be for one pare t to get signed off sick with stress if neither can opt for a career break. Whichever it makes most financial sense needs to take the hit. Then write to the LA and request support to remain in work as you or your DH are a carer. Apply for DLA to help with costs of you aren't claiming it already.

Being right isn't going to make a better solution available. The fight is worth it. My son got the best placement after our battle. It took two years though and so much funding has been cut that things are worse now than they were then.

I wish you luck in your fight.

Apologies for the missing letters. I am on my phone and have fat fingers.

Who told you about the knives or is it just hearsay? I can understand you worrying about your son but Prus have specialist staff who are professionally trained to deal with behaviour and triggers

Pru is normally over represented by children who are in care due to very damaging backgrounds.
That can often make a child violent (not in your case btw)

They are difficult places.

You need to stop putting your career first. Or pay (whole salary if needed) to private education sector, poss SEN boarding?

I think you could find somewhere nice for 45000 pa if career must come first.

I feel like you’re sat there going la la la la fingers in ears.

you might have to make significant lifestyle changes to accommodate your son and families needs.

You might

Have to move house
Give up work or work in a school or shift work to be around
Change your retirement plan
Compromise significantly on your career
Work with a temporary solution

Who told you about the knives
The head of one of the SEMH schools. Are you saying that no primary aged pupil has pulled a knife on a teacher, or that none of them go to a PRU? Because obviously several of the specialist school pupils came via PRUs.

@JacquesHammer it's kind of you to offer suggestions but do you honestly think we've not asked about or are not aware of all specialist schools within travelling distance?

He just turned 8 and yes, he's adopted. He can't go to boarding school.

You sound delightful
Full house!

And I really really feel for you.

Honestly I do. I have worked in education for year and years. I have seen it all. My nephews had such a shitty time.

There is no good fast solution here.

Did school know that he was adopted? Had they given staff attachment training?

I didn't say that drspouse why are you being so aggressive?
I don't think anyone can give you the answer you want to hear

Please people ignore what you feel is attitude on screen.

Please try and answer these questions honestly and empathetically.

1. how would you feel if your child was off school for 2 days for the third time in a year due to a cold and school sent a letter asking for gp evidence etc and lecturing you on how you are affecting your child's future potential?

2. how pull yo7 feel if you had a career. Your child is in school and has wrap around care which you pay for. Your house, car and outgoings reflect the lifestyle you've chosen work for. One day the school calls and says that they don't have funding or experienced teachers and can only teach 20 children per class from now on and they have decided to take the top 20 most able academically who also have the best social skills and as your child doesn't meet that criteria they no longer can attend.
   Then you are expected to find a school (despite there being no spaces), and/ or give up work. And/or home educate. Move house. Give up the car. Would you all seriously have no attitude or anger and be posting on a parenting forum? Would you all really not be arguing they have a legal duty to educate your child and it's not ok they've just suddenly decided they cannot afford your child or afford to meet their needs? That you'd all move house by the next mortgage payment?

This isn't about the attitude or how op is coming across. This is about highlighting the realism of send education and the conflicting standards applied to parents and la's when it comes to children being in education under section 19 of the children's act.

I’d be furious.

Of course I would.

However I think I would recognise that I might have to make some changes to suit my new circumstances.

And it is shit beyond belief.

@drspouse

If someone hit your child? What would you be doing? What would you be asking the school if someone had repeatedly hit him? Then been escorted around him?

Your sense of entitlement is astounding.

You are just not willing to move an inch! You feel the world and the government owe your child!!! That you shouldn’t have to do anything with regards to him and that the world should end over backward to accommodate your child

It’s terrifying to think there are parents like this

Suck it up buttercup. You’ve got to sort this!

Being adopted doesn’t rule out boarding school.....or going to a private school

So as I said. Suck it up and sort something for him for the next 3 weeks. IT IS UP TO YOU!!! No one else is able to sort this

What would you like the school to do OP? What do they need to do and have in place so your DS would be happy there and not have triggering behaviour? Being honest, is what is required achievable by the school dependent on their resources and funding that is actually available, rather than what would be achievable if money was no object.

Wow, @Mrshua. OP expects the school and the local authority to comply with their legal duties, but that means she has an astounding sense of entitlement?

This sort of attitude is why children with disabilities are constantly failed.