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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing a hotel room with a stranger

332 replies

nomorespaghetti · 11/01/2020 08:40

I've signed up to do some volunteering for a large national charity. I need to attend a training weekend for it about 2 hours away from where I live. It will involve one overnight stay. The charity will pay for train travel and overnight accommodation, but they've asked that volunteers share a twin bed room with another volunteer to keep costs down. It doesn't specify that it'd be a person of the same sex (but I'd hope so!)

The thought of sharing a hotel room with a stranger makes me feel super anxious. I wouldn't mind doing it if it was someone I knew, a work colleague for example. And I've stayed in hostels before (many years ago in my youth!)

I've no issue with telling them that I'm not comfortable doing it. But I want to know if others would be ok with it in this situation. Friends in real life also said they'd not like to.

YANBU = I wouldn't want to do that
YABU = I would be happy to share a room with a stranger

OP posts:
AwkwardSquad · 11/01/2020 09:53

Hard no from me. I need my space and privacy.

If you really want to commit to this charity, the suggestion to offer to pay the difference is a good compromise.

kraai · 11/01/2020 09:53

Find out if this is a one off or more regular. Best not to do this training and then find out its going to be a regular occurrence.

And I agree that you don't need to be in the back foot about this. You are GIVING them your time. It's one of the most precious things we have. If your needs don't match ie they expect you to regularly share rooms with strangers/others (especially if paid staff members don't!) then you know that this isn't going to work. Perhaps you could do something else for them - fund raising and awareness raising for example, which are just as important as volunteering in an active role.

Redwinestillfine · 11/01/2020 09:54

I actually wouldn't offer to pay for my own room or pay the difference. Yes they're a charity, but they are also a business. They have asked you if it's acceptable to share a room. Just say no. If they want you they'll have to cough up and maybe next time factor this in.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 11/01/2020 09:54

I wouldn't share a room even if it was with someone I knew. I value my personal privacy.
I'd pay the difference for a single room if I couldn't afford to pay for the room myself.

VaggieMight · 11/01/2020 09:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

katewhinesalot · 11/01/2020 09:57

I wouldn't like it but could do it to save the charity money. I'd probably try to pay the difference if I could afford it.

AngelsSins · 11/01/2020 09:58

Not a fucking chance, especially considering the room mate could be a guy.

AtillatheHun · 11/01/2020 09:59

Would prefer not to but I wouldn’t kick off over it. 9 years of boarding school/ a few s American shared hostel rooms (mixed sex) and a horrid night in a Siberian hotel room on an unexpected Aeroflot stopover with no visa and a bunch of stranger in one room maybe makes me more tolerant.
Those saying that the charities value volunteer labour less than employed are probably quite right - they accept people with far less experience and lesser skill sets as volunteers than they would require from employees so that’s not unreasonable I think

Hopoindown31 · 11/01/2020 10:00

Nope, wouldn't even entertain it. I'd be dropping out if they couldn't provide suitable accommodation that doesn't put me at potential risk.

Frothybothie · 11/01/2020 10:03

You can bet your bottom dollar the senior execs would not be expected to do this.

NotMeNoNo · 11/01/2020 10:04

It wouldn't be my first choice but yes I would share with another woman on the same course. Random stranger would be another thing. I've shared rooms at spa weekends etc and slept in bunk houses full of snoring men (with DH among them). I think we are all human beings and many other cultures are much less precious about privacy. The only time I've not slept was a terrible night in a travelodge sharing with my mum.

Having said that its your own choice entirely so you should politely respond and I doubt you will be the only one. I take it your training is not some sort of expedition where you will be roughing it?

daisychain01 · 11/01/2020 10:06

i recently took a training course for the charity I volunteer for. They negotiated a good rate with the hotel so everyone had their own room.

It's very unusual indeed they would inflict that on volunteers OP and I would pushback strongly. It's hardly any money in the grand scheme of things and they need to be reminded you are all giving up your valuable time. You're doing them the favour not the other way round.

I wouldn't work for them, there are plenty of charities who treat their volunteers with respect!

AngelsSins · 11/01/2020 10:07

other cultures are much less precious about privacy

It’s not precious to want some privacy or to feel safe!

Vulpine · 11/01/2020 10:08

I'd have no problem sharing with a woman stranger. We'd be mates by the end.

Ginfordinner · 11/01/2020 10:12

I have IBS. There is no way I would want to share a room with anyone other than family.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 11/01/2020 10:12

I think you can say “I am sorry, but I cannot share a room. I will be happy to pay half the cost of a single room.”

If you can’t afford to pay the extra, then the first sentence will suffice. You do not have to state a reason. You can say “I prefer not to discuss that” if asked why.

If the charity doesn’t understand that they may be at odds with either the Equality Act, safeguarding principles, or just good manners by insisting, then I think it’s a charity you don’t want to support.

But perhaps they are simply asking, and a “no” will be fine with them.

Ellmau · 11/01/2020 10:12

I wouldn't do it either.

The only problem with 'paying the difference' is that unless numbers are uneven, they're going to have to pay the full price for the room OP isn't sharing, so effectively the difference is the cost of a whole new room anyway.

clary · 11/01/2020 10:16

No, I wouldn't want to do that. I have shared on a school trip (as a teacher) with people I didn't know well (four to a room once!) but they worked at my school and I knew who they were. But someone I've never met about who. I know nothing? not keen.

PsychosonicCindy · 11/01/2020 10:18

This wouldn't bother me at all! I suppose I'm just a laid back person generally!
I'm like a cat I can sleep anywhere even on a train or once a normal bus..or in the middle of a field at a festival...

daisychain01 · 11/01/2020 10:27

I'd have no problem sharing with a woman stranger. We'd be mates by the end.

The difficulty is you have no control over who you share a room with. They are a stranger. They could be easy to get on with, but if they aren't, the OP will have to put up with it when that's not what they signed up for.
Not only that, they are being forced into looking precious or difficult if they say anything.

I agree that the execs wouldn't have to put up with that!

Original poster
nomorespaghetti · 11/01/2020 10:33

Thanks all. I suppose the main issues for me are

  1. I just feel uncomfortable, vulnerable and uneasy with a stranger in close proximity while I sleep. Although I don't even think I'd be able to sleep with a stranger in the room anyway (i'm a bad sleeper at the best of times!)
  2. I was approached by this charity for this role, it's not something to bolster my cv, i wanted to do it to help out other parents who are in the position that we once were, and (not meaning to blow my own trumpet here) I would do a good job and be an asset to them. Therefore i think I, and other volunteers like me, shouldn't be put in positions we feel uncomfortable with (and judging from responses on this thread I'm assuming that at least a couple of other volunteers wouldn't be happy with this)
  3. There might be myriad reasons someone wouldn't share a room, as mentioned above - a medical reason like ibd, snoring, a past assault, etc. It's unfair to make someone feel they have to disclose that to get a solo room
  4. It's a small amount of money in the grand scheme of things, and if they can't invest properly in their volunteer programme then should they be running it?

Thank you for all the perspectives. I'll query it and see what they say. I'm jealous of all the people who can sleep any time any place!

OP posts:
SlowSigh · 11/01/2020 10:33

I work for a charity, and was asked to do this once. Those of us who weren't comfortable sharing just split the cost of an additional room. I was meeting these people for the first time that weekend. Having spent the day with them, I was so glad to retreat to my own room. I would have driven home, rather then spend the night with some of those people.

thereplycamefromanchorage · 11/01/2020 10:34

I wouldn't do it. I volunteered for a charity a few years ago, and similarly, there was an overnight training event. We all stayed in single rooms - no-one was expected to share.

Loveislandaddict · 11/01/2020 10:35

It wouldn’t bother me (providing same sex). You’re all there for the same thing, and the chances of them being a mass murderer is very remote.

Loveislandaddict · 11/01/2020 10:36

Although I agree you shouldn’t be put in a position you feel uncomfortable with.