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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

260 replies

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 17:10

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of courseAngry.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairsConfused.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 11/01/2020 23:40

Good luck OP I hope you find the happiness you deserve Flowers

PenelopeFlintstone · 12/01/2020 01:32

it wasn't another woman, it was gambling, hence my name on here
That's terrible SadThanks

WildChristmas · 12/01/2020 01:53

Agree with this. It doesn’t have to be the absolute proof. But enough. If you can’t get it, it’s very hard to know what to do.

I think without proof, it's hard to leave. You think maybe it's a coincidence, you're paranoid. Or if you do leave, you end up going back because you don't want to get a divorce based on suspicion alone.

Or even to try and repair a relationship. I did think there was some possibility of me and Ex repairing our marriage. We had a few years of a good and healthy relationship, but only because I’d found out he’d been cheating. That meant our relationship was finally out in the open and finally some honesty. And also I was able to mend my broken mental health from all the gaslighting. We didn’t work out in the end as he chose to be selfish, not cheating, but not a partnership.

If I hadn’t found out I would have left anyway of course. Like OP you will have to if you don’t find anything. As it will be broken. However then there is the awful feeling of why did I leave? Was it me? I’d have had to get counseling then to help.

andyjusthangingaround · 12/01/2020 09:01

@Mylifeisruined - sorry to hear that 😔
I hope your life has / will have recovered 🌈💐🍯
🌈 - for being positive (if not money, but maybe peace at the bottom)
💐 - always helpful
🍯 - worked for Winnie the Pooh

andyjusthangingaround · 12/01/2020 09:02

@QueenOfTheXtrainer-sorry OP, completely derailing the thread (I just don’t think people are aware of the full impact of gambling either)

easyandy101 · 12/01/2020 12:25

Your replies to the OP and your posts here are just not normal or helpful.

Funny you pick up on that comment and ignore the one about lifting the carpets up and that

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 12/01/2020 19:30

Well typed in ‘hotel’ is his google history as phone is linked to iPad to check if there were any others and it’s come up with him searching for a different hotel near his work and a few days later searching for directions to the same hotel on days over two consecutive months in 2017. So that’s two hotels he wouldn’t have a reason to go to. Any work training is on site. He would never book a hotel for anyone, it’s just not something he’d do.

What should I make of that then!

OP posts:
QueenOfTheXtrainer · 12/01/2020 19:36

I should add the times he’d searched for directions were early in the AM when he would have been on his way to work.

Have texted him for an explanation as don’t want to say anything in front of DC so will see what he says later (he’s at the gymGin).

Do you think if I ring these hotels, they’ll still have booking details from that far back? Trying to think of a plausible explanation of what I can say as to why I want them! Any ideas?

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 12/01/2020 19:44

Have texted him for an explanation

Stop asking him stuff until you have more concrete proof. He’s just going to lie.

Noshowlomo · 12/01/2020 19:46

Agree with @Sexnotgender you need to back away a tad whilst you’re getting concrete evidence.

wakemewhenitsallover · 12/01/2020 19:47

You know he's just going to lie to you again?

You need to stop telling him every time you find something as he'll be busy trying to delete all evidence now and it'll be harder to find proof.

In the meantime maybe try to find any data you can from those dates. e.g. do you have itemise phone billing back then, can you access it?

Same for bank accounts. In fact, I'd ask him to give you access to his online banking and look for anything that could be booking the hotel or spending e.g. buying dinner on those dates.

wakemewhenitsallover · 12/01/2020 19:50

Do you think if I ring these hotels, they’ll still have booking details from that far back?

Unlikely.

Unlikely they'd give you the details if it was last week tbh as it's giving away personal info.

ItsPeanutButterJelly · 12/01/2020 19:51

I'm so sorry, OP. THis whole thing must be hell for you. Sorry if this seens insensitive but have you considered the possibility that he is seeing sex workers? I only ask as my best friend went through the same thing and a lot of the behaviours sound very similar. Particularly the second phone, large cash withdrawals and hotels. Try searching his history for adultwork or similar

Beansandcoffee · 12/01/2020 19:52

Hotels will not give you any information because of data protection.
Just wait he will slip up if he is having an affair or he will tell you and end the marriage.

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 12/01/2020 20:03

I was thinking along the lines of ‘my husband and I stayed in a hotel in the area a few years ago, we liked it so much we want to come again, can I check I’ve got the right one? Would it work? I only need confirmation of surname which is pretty unique.

I really am not the type to keep things to my chest and he’s obviously a good liar so I’m hoping I drive him to confess by not dropping it!

OP posts:
ItsPeanutButterJelly · 12/01/2020 20:09

They may want a booking ref, OP? But worth a shot especially if you can prove you have the same unusual surname

amaryl · 12/01/2020 20:11

Stop confronting him when you have no proof, there’s no point, he’s just going to deny it.
Back off and he’ll trip up. If he knows you are looking he’ll be extra careful

wakemewhenitsallover · 12/01/2020 20:12

Would it work? Only one way to find out! It's unlikely but it can't hurt to try I guess.

wakemewhenitsallover · 12/01/2020 20:15

Try searching his history for adultwork or similar

Do you have access to his email?

If so, and assuming you can't guess his passwords, then put his email into the lost password function on adultworks and see if he gets an email.

Obviously only works if you have access to his email. And be prepared he may see it on his phone, unless you open and delete it before he sees it. (And delete from trash).

combatbarbie · 12/01/2020 20:16

He won't confess..... You've nothing solid that will force his hand

wakemewhenitsallover · 12/01/2020 20:20

He won't confess..... You've nothing solid that will force his hand

Agreed. He'll keep lying till you have solid proof and will probably continue even then.

I knew my ex had been having an affair someone I thought was a friend.

He couldn't deny they'd been together as she'd told a mutual friend. But he told me they got naked but then he thought of me and couldn't do it.

Total and utter bollocks. (When she announced she was pregnant only a weeks later that certainly demonstrated that was a lie).

He would admit ONLY what he'd been caught doing and not a thing more.

I don't know why, it just made things worse. I guess habitual liars just can't help themselves. I suspect they feel they're in control if they're controlling the narrative.

IM0GEN · 12/01/2020 20:30

Have texted him for an explanation as don’t want to say anything in front of DC so will see what he says later (he’s at the gymgin)

What is wrong with you ? EVERYONE has advised you to stop doing that.

Have you seriously texted him to ask him to explain about a google search he made Two years ago ????

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 12/01/2020 20:33

I know I have nothing solid as such but I can 100% say that he had no reason to search up hotels let alone the directions, which just happen to be near his work. It has certainly erased any doubts finding the 2nd one!

I am still in shock. I only expected to find out something had being going on recently.

He changed his email passwords when I first confronted him as there were emails from several different dating sites going back years which he said must have got his details from one he ‘accidentally’ clicked on via Facebook.

OP posts:
ButterflyRuns · 12/01/2020 20:34

Data protection laws will stop the hotels from giving you this information. Stop confronting him OP, I know it’s hard but he’s going to be more cautious rather than letting his guard down and slipping up so you can actually have proof.

IM0GEN · 12/01/2020 20:45

He changed his email passwords when I first confronted him as there were emails from several different dating sites going back years which he said must have got his details from one he ‘accidentally’ clicked on via Facebook

What did you think would happen if you kept questioning him? He will have locked down everything now and be very VERY careful.

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