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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

260 replies

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 17:10

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of courseAngry.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairsConfused.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 11/01/2020 12:15

Whatever he's up to, it doesn't sound good but the way he is speaking to you and making you feel is dispicable.
If everything was totally innocent then why isn't he falling over himself to reassure you?

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 11/01/2020 12:16

I checked the Wifi router last night, thanks. I often go into it to change the password if the DC misbehave and had never noticed the list of devices before Blush. We have 4 DC who all have phones, iPads, laptops etc so I couldn’t figure out which was which! I’m going to ‘name’ them all today so I can see if anything else is connected. I wish I’d known about this when he was off work. I doubt he’d have the phone at the house now. Probably only had it at home due to being off work for so long.

Thanks so much for the support all.

There have been suspicions before but those were short lived as I never thought he was that ‘kind of guy’. I have been naive in the extreme. Lots of stuff has been said over the last few months which has shown his true colours. I’ve taken my rings off which is deeply symbolic to me (I’ll tell DC that as I’ve lost weight, they’re slipping off which is true). I know he’s going to expect this to blow over and then we’ll get back to normal but not this time.

Full time job is my first priority (I’m part time at the moment). Then a plan to split by the end of the year. I’ve been miserable for a long time so strangely it feels quite exciting Shock. Still love the fucker, thats going to take some work to get over.

OP posts:
BasilOfBakerStreet · 11/01/2020 12:18

Still love the fucker, that's going to take some work to get over

It takes a while for your heart to catch up with what your head already knows. Remember that. ❤️❤️❤️

wakemewhenitsallover · 11/01/2020 13:56

QueenOfTheXtrainer did you try looking at Google Timeline?

You might be able to see him going to that hotel, if he did, even now.

Unless he's always had location switched off, there will be some data there, possibly going back years.

support.google.com/maps/answer/6258979?co=GENIE.Platform%3DDesktop&hl=en

NomDeQwerty · 11/01/2020 13:59

Still love the fucker, that's going to take some work to get over

I found that thinking of my STBXH as a grubby embarrassment helped with that.

ButterflyRuns · 11/01/2020 14:05

Best wishes OP Flowers You have to do what’s best for you

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 11/01/2020 14:06

Yes I did wakeme. There no location history around the dates early last year and in 2018 which was patchy anyway. Thanks. Probably paused it. He had an old google account which I never knew he had and location history is paused on that too. I certainly wasn’t aware that that info existed then so it wasn’t that I had checked up on him back then. I always thought he was shit with technology but I suppose if you’re motivated to learn, you will Angry.

OP posts:
theoldtrout01876 · 11/01/2020 14:15

wakemewhenitsallover I discovered google timeline the other day, it was a total eye opener. I wasnt checking up on anyone, my Dh heard about it on a podcast he was listening to and investigated it. It literally had every journey he had made since 2013 in it.
We were picking days at random and trying to figure out where he had been that day. It had our trip to the UK and Spain, all our camping trips. Everything. It totally freaked me out.
Dh does a job that involves going to peoples houses, it gave us the exact a address of every stop he had made every day.
He now has location switched off

Tistheseason17 · 11/01/2020 14:44

Sorry, OP. His outburst has given you your answer. Flowers

heartyrebel · 11/01/2020 17:57

Dont forget you can use one phone as a hotspot for data, so his 2nd phone might not be on your wifi if he has both phones in the house.

Daftapath · 11/01/2020 17:59

Can you switch on location on google via his account or would he be notified?

Mylifeisruined · 11/01/2020 18:37

I would put your rings back on, cook him his favourite meal and tell him you're sorry. Tell him you know you're being silly and just think it's your age, feeling a bit low after Christmas etc. Then you must do your absolute best to not be suspicious about anything at all, no questions, no accusations. Just act as though everything is fine. It may take a while but he will slip up, and once you're off his case he'll relax.

I totally get the needing to know and I don't think you'll rest until you have proof, but you must let him think he's got away with it......for now.

andyjusthangingaround · 11/01/2020 18:53

@Mylifeisruined - wow!
Why do I have a feeling that you have been here before? 😔

Thefaceofboe · 11/01/2020 19:00

If he does have any phone, he will slip up. Just bide your time

welliesarefuntowear · 11/01/2020 19:00

@Mylifeisruined that's no way to live. The OP does not need absolute proof. I struggled and struggled with trying to find proof and it made me ill. The on,y reason I ever knew for sure was that the stupid fucker had left his email open and I managed to get into a Dropbox account which had photos of them kissing, holding hands, one of her naked, videos. I too thought my partner was inept with technology. Clearly not. Unless you have been there, you cannot understand the lengths they will go to to lie. I was with my partner for 27 years and we had three children. I would never advocate leaving the bastard. You have to do what's right for you but by god you deserve the truth and he needs to give you that. Anything less is just cruel.

welliesarefuntowear · 11/01/2020 19:02

@mylifeisruined. I'm sorry about the tone of my post. It's quite clear from what you've said you have been there too.

Bushhbb · 11/01/2020 19:05

The OP does not need absolute proof.

I think without proof, it's hard to leave. You think maybe it's a coincidence, you're paranoid. Or if you do leave, you end up going back because you don't want to get a divorce based on suspicion alone.

Cantdoleft · 11/01/2020 19:14

None here knows if the bloke is even doing anything other than living with a very suspicious wife!

Some (most) of the advice is mind bogging. I wonder how many relationships have ceased to be just because of "advice" dished out on here by people with less than 5% of the actual story.

Mumsnet is a very dangerous place to be looking for guidance on life changing decisions

Bushhbb · 11/01/2020 19:23

Exactly. Don't get a divorce on suspicion alone.

welliesarefuntowear · 11/01/2020 19:49

I'm certainly not advocating divorce, I'm advocating honesty. He's called the OP terrible names and shown her no respect. How far do you have to go to live with lies and dishonesty? People can and do find ways back from relationships that have hit rock bottom but I'm not sure biding you're time until he fucks up is a way to live because you may never get the certainty you need.

atomicblonde30 · 11/01/2020 19:52

Random thought but my next door neighbour went ballistic when we put up CCTV on our house after two break ins.

Turns out he was cheating on his wife and he’d hidden the phone in the car, taped under the bonnet it was.

I also know of blokes that have hidden phones and condoms in their kids rooms.

Cantdoleft · 11/01/2020 21:11

"I also know of blokes that have hidden phones and condoms in their kids rooms."

Of course, no woman has ever done this or anything similar ffs. Only blokes

atomicblonde30 · 11/01/2020 21:55

I didn’t say they didn’t @Cantdoleft though did I?

I can only speak from experience and that is of men doing such acts, I don’t know of a woman doing it so I didn’t say that.

I fail to see the need to add ‘but of course women could do this also’ it’s unnecessary surely?

And FYI I chose to comment what I did as the entire thread is about a woman suspecting a man of having a secret phone so I mentioned my experiences of this as I thought maybe she could go and have a nosey in those places.

Weenurse · 11/01/2020 21:57

What @Member869894 said

Mylifeisruined · 11/01/2020 22:14

Welliesarefun No need to apologise for your tone at all, and Andyjusthanging You are right, I have been there but it wasn't another woman, it was gambling, hence my name on here.