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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

260 replies

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 17:10

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of courseAngry.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairsConfused.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

OP posts:
WildChristmas · 10/01/2020 23:47

@thepeople I can understand the OP, because if she has no evidence she will always doubt why her marriage ended. That’s a pretty big thing.

I know that I feel a sense of control and validation when I found evidence of Ex cheating. He would have carried on our co parenting relationship forever making me feel that I had been the cause of our split. And that he was such a good guy. Honestly the lack of confidence and wearing me down was awful.

I know it looks crazy from the outside. And it does need a degree of self control. However truth is important. We need to be able to heal and trust again. If we can’t even trust ourselves, thinking we are paranoid jealous wives who broke up our marriages... that’s not good.

It does come with cautions though. Be careful OP. Don’t go too far.

scubadive · 10/01/2020 23:57

All the symptoms of an affair and the age for a severe midlife crisis. Rampant among my friends at the moment. Sorry op but either way he’s not treating you well re the sex.

scubadive · 11/01/2020 00:00

My ex went to a hotel with a colleague near work in their extended lunch hour! This can be the only reason for needing a hotel near work.

Lea1437 · 11/01/2020 00:01

I've not read the whole thread but if you have drawers he might have removed the bottom drawer and hidden things under there. That could be where he hid it in your dc's room

Stillfunny · 11/01/2020 00:03

I found my DH on his secret phone. He didn't realise I was in the room.
But before that, I was sniggering at his too young clothes and his weight loss and yep ,too long in the loo. ( He was taking selfies with no shirt on).
I hope you DH is not like mine.But you might never find the phone that you know you saw. Mine kept it in a drawer at work and charged it in the car on the way there.
Creep.

scubadive · 11/01/2020 00:03

When I found out, he finally admitted he went to the hotel just for a drink. When she knew something about his body only naked would reveal, he finally admitted they went to a room, he took his shirt off and then got cold feet and left. Denies an affair to this day even though no longer together. Some men just lie and lie, I think whatever you find he will twist it.

Leflic · 11/01/2020 00:30

QueenOfTheXtrainer Don’t end your marriage yet.

Go to the gym more, go out with your friends more just be out more. As in don’t give a shit. If he is cheating you’ll gave to be out on your own more anyway. Get your hair done, your nails look good.

He’s one foot out... but so are you.

BillHadersNewWife · 11/01/2020 00:48

You definitely need to get the app which will show you how many devices are on your internet. That will remove all your doubts won't it.

Then you can either torture yourself more with trying to find the phone or confront him directly.

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 11/01/2020 00:56

Thanks guys. He gave a hilariously ridiculous explanation for why he might have googled that hotel (not that he did of course, google did it itself) but he did let me have access to his phone bills from which I can see he hadn’t called it, from his normal phone anyway, after ranting about how from the millions of people in London (where we met), how did he end up with a fuck up like me etc. I fucked up his life, DCs lives blah blah.

Marriage is dead it seems. Will certainly be dusting off those ducks.

OP posts:
Pineapple1 · 11/01/2020 00:59

Sounds like your fishing for an excuse to end it.

You got in a mood because he was watching TV and didn't instigate sex... did he get in a mood the million times you no doubt avoided sex due to "headaches"? comon, we all know its the go to excuse.. which is daft because the release of endorphins actually goes a long way to curing a headache xD

bank100 · 11/01/2020 01:07

Oh no. What a horrible situation. You're not crazy or paranoid, from what you have told us.

Creepster · 11/01/2020 01:07

It is pretty clear that he has either a porn addiction or is in the middle of an emotional affair.
In either case it is painful and distressing to be lied to constantly. I am very sorry.

BringMeAGinandTonic · 11/01/2020 01:18

"...how did he end up with a fuck up like me etc. I fucked up his life, DCs lives blah blah. "

Oh dear. Hugs to you. That there alone is abusive. If it were me (and I have been in similar) I'd get your ducks in a row now.

He can't see this thread, can he? And he can't access the same device you use to access MN, right? Does he know your name on here? You need a private channel to get advice that he cannot know about.

He is gaslighting you by trying to throw this back at you, telling you you're wrong, etc.

Also: If you're trying to obtain proof of him cheating though you need to not tell him any of this, as now he is going to be covering up his tracks even more so, making evidence harder to get. Gather evidence. Don't tell him until you have undeniable proof.

Is he home? Have you tried the app to see who is connected to your router?

CoupeCourte · 11/01/2020 01:19

What a cunt, sorry he's turned out this way OP - if he was genuinely not up to anything and loved you he wouldn't be so foul to you, best case as had been said is he's one foot out the door regardless of whether there's anyone else. Hope you can draw some strength from MN, maybe a new thread in relationships so you can avoid the fuckwits like @Pineapple1

2018SoFarSoGreat · 11/01/2020 01:19

so sorry to read this OP. I don't think you are crazy, imagining things or any of the like. You need to trust your gut. You don't trust him anymore (with what sounds to me like many good reasons!) so what is left?

Flowers for you. This is a hard road.

ButterflyRuns · 11/01/2020 01:22

So sorry Flowers He’s definitely up to something, and his behaviour towards you alone in gaslighting you & being so nasty about the situation is alarming. Like PP said, if he was innocent would he act this way?

Weenurse · 11/01/2020 01:51

Marriage is dead no matter what now.
Sounds like he is starting the ‘ it’s all your fault’ script. You made him do it...
Polish those ducks💐

Pineapple1 · 11/01/2020 01:51

@CoupeCourte ah, a bite.

Nice

MarieFromStTropez · 11/01/2020 02:00

People can go to enormous lengths to have affairs. There was a story on here last year of a guy who did the weekly shop online (click & collect) at Asda. He would then spend a couple of hours with the OW then pick the shopping up and pretend he had spent the previous hours shopping.

Alininja91 · 11/01/2020 02:23

When my ex was cheating on me he took his phone everywhere! Never wanted sex, generally treated me like I was going insane. Sorry to say it but it does sound like something could be going on...

Sweetpeach3 · 11/01/2020 02:23

Woman. Trust your gut!!!!

My "DP" was doing this and constantly going the "pub" etc and one night he nipped home for the toilet (he only shits at home and when he needs to go he runs) but anyhow he had a drink and clearly wasn't clued up, he threw his stuff on the sofa and went the loo, I was only checking the gas bill as I kept asking him how much needed paying an he wouldn't tell me (app is on his phone and yes I knew something was up, didn't snoop right trough it but it was right their anyway)

Found him on social media and all the apps on his phone something we both don't have- so I thought. seen messages to girls and usually if I use his phone if the kids have mine or something he's deleted it all, so snide and sneeky!!

Poorolddaddypig · 11/01/2020 02:30

OP stop giving everything away as soon as you find out! You’re not going to be able to get any solid proof at this rate, if as soon as you find something half suspicious you go blabbing to him so he becomes more cautious!

FallenAngel01 · 11/01/2020 02:42

I hate to say, if he's not getting sex from you, he's getting it somewhere xxoo sorry

Horehound · 11/01/2020 03:41

Yes op you need to stop blabbing at each thing you find! Save it all up, gather evidence.

However based on your last update it does seem over but I think he's saying this now because he knows you know.

I went through similar..made myself crazy and I did keep blabbing too...each little thing explained away and I look back and wish I played it differently. Found evidence on his sat Nav recent destinations.

Flowers for you. Hope you have real life support?

BillHadersNewWife · 11/01/2020 04:10

Why shouldn't she give it away? Its not as though there's anything to gain from 'gathering evidence'

She knows him. She knows herself. She's aware he's cheating. That's enough.