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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

260 replies

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 17:10

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of courseAngry.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairsConfused.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

OP posts:
JulietTango · 12/01/2020 20:48

Just to change the subject slightly, do you know for sure he's at the gym?
Could he have left his phone in a locker there but not actually be there?

Davincitoad · 12/01/2020 20:51

Leave or wait until he trips up. Sounds like a knob so I know which way I would go. I had an ex told me his profile on adult friend finder was because he wanted new friends. Had that he was ‘single’ on it. An error apparently.

SmellyBeard · 12/01/2020 21:10

I would ring the hotels

strawberry2017 · 12/01/2020 21:22

You need to stop giving everything away, you are giving him chance to cover his tracks. You need to keep what you find to yourself until you have something concrete and not just suspicions.
You are giving him ammunition to make you look like a crazy wife.
I know it's hard but he will just get smarter with his actions and then you will never find what you are looking for.

Soundbyte · 12/01/2020 21:24

@smellybeard and say what? They won’t be able to tell her anything for data protection purposes.

SmellyBeard · 12/01/2020 22:31

I often have to call up for receipts as part of my job. I just give the name of the guest.

wakemewhenitsallover · 12/01/2020 23:05

They won’t be able to tell her anything for data protection purposes

They may well not be meant to. That doesn't necessarily mean they won't, if you ask them nicely, though.

NearlyGranny · 12/01/2020 23:26

The most damaging thing is 'trickle truth' when you find things out piece by piece and keep being told there is nothing more to find and then finding it. 😥 (Not me, close family member.)

He told her she was crazy, imagining things, paranoid, obsessive etc etc and as the images and activities turned up, each one was the last. Once she'd started looking, she couldn't stop till she'd found it all. His story kept changing to incorporate and minimise each new chunk of sleaze. He barely hid his tracks as he has contempt for her intelligence and powers of detection.

When all was out (was it all?) it turned out to be her fault for not being adoring enough and now it's her fault for not being generous and forgiving enough and imposing HER 'trust issues' on HIM.

Well, who knew? 🤔

chipsandgin · 12/01/2020 23:47

You really need to stop showing your hand! You’re just giving him plenty of time and opportunity to cover his tracks & make up more lies (for example the text about the hotel directions).

Either wait until you know more or catch him unawares & face to face with something like that so you can see a reaction - it has to be preferable to giving him hours to come up with something!?

You’ll never catch him or find out the truth this way & regardless of how things turn out then surely that’s the most frustrating outcome, not ever knowing & him continually gaslighting you?

I’d let him think he’s got away with it, even ‘apologise’ for being so suspicious etc - then quietly (& without giving him a running commentary at every turn) get to work at finding out he truth..then take him down. So sorry you’re going through this OP, it doesn’t bode well.

BoredBrenda · 12/01/2020 23:48

Stop telling him every suspicious/odd thing you find. You are just telling him how to cover his tracks better.

You need to keep track of what you find and build a gradual picture.
However honest and lovely tour husband is/Was if hebis cheating he won't be holding onto those honestly values very much. You read it endlessly on here from people who have found out thier other half has been cheating that this is just so not like Jim or her. I cannot believe he/she would lie/yo to such lengths. Cheaters are dishonest. They will try very hard to minimise and lie thier way out if every situation or evidence they are confronted with. That's why you need to either decide enough is enough and you won't believe him and leave any way or gradually gather what bits of information you can to build a picture of the truth of what is or isn't happening.

bluebunny123 · 12/01/2020 23:50

So sorry op Thanks hope you get to the bottom of it

ladyjadie · 13/01/2020 02:44

Oh Queen. I’m so sorry for all this tumultuous bullshit he’s putting through. All I can say now is, this is the point when Miss Hindsight can look back on, and say I fuckn wish I’d just left now. The suspicion, the doubting, flipping between doubt of yourself and of him. The desperate floundering asking others “maybe it could be this? Maybe it’s that and I’m just overreacting?” Breaks my heart cos I’ve been there and so have so many others here. It’s so easy when you’ve already seen this show and know how it ends (when you’ve lived it Sad) and one day you’ll be able to look back and see it clearly without the fog of FOG (fear, guilt, obligation- the classic woman’s burden that cheating men seem to escape). He’s doing you dirty my lovely. Time to stop clinging to obscure maybes and see it. Prepare for it. Get your financial stuff sorted. Sort alternative plans that are the opposite to your “happily ever after” cos it’s not with this scheming, manipulative arse. He’s not the man you love, not the one you married. It FUCKING SUCKS and that’s an understatement. But it’s out of your control, that’s the worst bit. You don’t deserve it, it’s all his fault and shame on him. But making moves to take your power back is the only way. Google pick me dance and chump lady. So much love to you and i am raising a glass to your new life, I promise if you get out now, you will be looking back on your past (now)‘you and being so so glad and proud of yourself. Love to you

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 13/01/2020 03:18

Sorry you are going through this op. His attitude to you after you are presenting evidence is awful. A loving husband should not behave like this. Get those ducks in order. Flowers

olivetreelane · 13/01/2020 06:38

I would tell the hotel it's for your/his tax return and you seem to have lost the email etc for the booking. Very plausible reason for the time lapsed.

olivetreelane · 13/01/2020 06:42

And just to add always trust your instincts, you know that this is not paranoia, there are many untoward things that keep occurring but you will retreat keep asking every little detail to a pathological liar.. he's going to keep deleting and hiding things and that only prolongs the agony for you.

It's a bit frustrating to read, especially when you text about it too- that's such an easy cop out, he can write whatever he likes, you've even given him time to conjure up some more bullshit!

JollyJlly · 13/01/2020 08:17

OP sending hugs.

TheReef · 13/01/2020 08:30

Stop confronting him with evidence now OP. He'll be super careful for a while, as he thinks you're onto him. He may even call it a day with whatever it is he's doing until he feels comfortable again. It's unlikely you'll find anything for a while until things settle down again. But do still keep digging, but until you have concrete proof don't mention it again to him. I'd even have a conversation with him where you say you're sorry you were suspicious, must be hormones etc and you won't bring it up again. Until of course you have your proof

GinDaddy · 13/01/2020 08:46

So many bitters, so many cliches, so many amateur detectives getting excited about following someone else's misery. Ugh.

NomDeQwerty · 13/01/2020 09:06

So many people who've been there before, experienced the devastation and want to help others.

Cantdoleft · 13/01/2020 13:35

When we have visitors coming to work and stay near by I often google the route to an from the office and send it to them. It’s polite, as the person who knows the area and the host

buginarug · 13/01/2020 15:55

Did you receive an explanation regarding the Google search, OP?

milksoffagain · 13/01/2020 16:22

What Nom said

Troels · 13/01/2020 16:55

I have sky and can log on an see what is connected to my wifi. I just did it out of curiosity. Three mobile phones one x box, one tv and the sky box.

notapizzaeater · 13/01/2020 17:13

I'd pop a voice activated recorder in the car, if he's ringing her on the burner phone you could get a copy,

Rachelfromfriends1 · 13/01/2020 17:30

Worst investigative skills ever. You have absolutely no evidence but keep confronting him with the shaky bits you do have, essentially showing him your hand every 5 minutes.