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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

260 replies

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 17:10

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of courseAngry.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairsConfused.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

OP posts:
Horehound · 11/01/2020 04:13

Well, it's too late now but from my experience she shouldn't have gone to her husband at each thing. Like seeing a phone shape in his pocket...I'd have kept looking until I found it rather than say "I saw something" because of course he would deny that...

Monty27 · 11/01/2020 04:27

I've read most of the thread. Then got t @13mummmy2017 advice which was to simply switch the WiFi off and sit back and watch Flowers

BillHadersNewWife · 11/01/2020 04:48

monty what would that achieve?

ExhaustedFlamingo · 11/01/2020 05:36

@BillHadersNewWife If he’s using a second phone in the bathroom, he won’t be able to access the WiFi and is going to be pretty pissed off. If WiFi is off and he still spends more than an hour in the bathroom it shows he’s not using the time in there to do dodgy stuff behind OPs back.

PenelopeFlintstone · 11/01/2020 06:01

But he's probably got data. I don't know anyone with a phone that doesn't gave phone data.
Same with misbehaving teenagers.
Unfortunately..,.,

PenelopeFlintstone · 11/01/2020 06:01

*have

HouseworkAvoider10 · 11/01/2020 06:08

Sounds like he's having an affair.
He sounds horrible, i'd be glad to kick him out on his nuts.
I would keep my mouth shut too and work hard to get more evidence.

CJsGoldfish · 11/01/2020 06:25

I can’t fuck up DCs lives just on ‘paranoia’.

You don't think this level of 'paranoia' will?

I cannot believe the crazy suggestions on this thread. Recording devices FFS. That one had me laughing tbf.

How about you just save all the drama and leave. If the marriage was healthy, or even just OK, there really wouldn't be all this. What exactly is the payoff to you OP to be running around all paranoid and crazy like?

KatherineJaneway · 11/01/2020 06:27

I knew someone who had an affair at my workplace. His department had a locked room and he and his mistress went there to have sex. Only got found out when his secretary became suspicious. People don't always need hotel rooms etc to have an affair in.

PhilCornwall1 · 11/01/2020 06:30

It's usually "admin" for the user and "password" for the password but check on the box. Do a bit of clicking around and you'll be able to see every device logged in to the WiFi.

If it's a fairly recent sky router, the password will be the same as the one used when connecting to WiFi.

All of this digging around with the router does assume that's he's connected to it. If he's got half a brain cell and does have a "fanny phone", he won't connect to WiFi.

StoneColdSaidSo · 11/01/2020 07:02

Next time he’s in the toilet for his hour plus poo’s, switch of the WiFi and see if he reacts to it. If he really isn’t doing anything in there, he wouldn’t even noticed you did it. It does sound like he’s up to something. I cant think of a reasonable explanation for the hotel and that, along with all the other things, indicates somethings up.

When ex was cheating I just knew. I had no proof and obviously he denied it and made me out to be crazy, paranoid etc. Something in my gut was telling me and I snooped and found out he was hooking up with girls from a random hook up site and also having a full affair with a colleague. He also gave me an std. Turns out he hooked up with at least one different woman a week while I was on the night shift. He did this for years.

BillHadersNewWife · 11/01/2020 07:20

Next time he’s in the toilet for his hour plus poo’s, switch of the WiFi and see if he reacts to it. If he really isn’t doing anything in there, he wouldn’t even noticed you did it.

He would. What if he was just watching YouTube or something?

BillHadersNewWife · 11/01/2020 07:20

Or if he was just texting another woman, he'd not notice the WiFi was off at all.

PhilCornwall1 · 11/01/2020 07:24

As a PP has said, if he's just texting he would not notice the WiFi is off, equally, if he's using mobile data, he wouldn't notice it's down either.

If he has a second phone, switching off the router potentially proves nothing.

Fairylea · 11/01/2020 07:33

My ex dh left me for an ex girlfriend he’d reconnected with on Facebook. We’d moved 140 miles away from London to Norfolk the year before that and he used weekends he’d go and visit his mum to go and see the ex at the same time! (We has clashing shift patterns so he’d go alone and I couldn’t stand mil anyway- win win I don’t have to see her anymore)! Ex was so sneaky. Kept denying everything, posting random cryptic shit on Facebook, changing passwords on everything, saying I was crazy etc. It was a truly awful time. I realise how it didn’t even matter that I uncovered the affair, I should have just kicked him out when I stopped trusting him. The marriage is over as soon as that happens regardless of whatever is actually going on.

Member869894 · 11/01/2020 08:03

Ex divorce lawyer here. I'm sorry this is happening to you Op. I've heard this story literally hundreds of times. Concentrate now on getting your financial info together so you're ready to act when you need to. You'll need marriage certificate twelve months banks statementsmortgage redemption statements, current surrender values of any policies, transfer values of pensions, etc. Fwiw the fact that he may have committed adultery won't effect any financial settlement. You could divorce him on unreasonable behaviour. The truth will out

FloRiders · 11/01/2020 08:11

YANBU - but he will keep denying it, until the bitter end.

Dont ask him anything else for a while.

Greenwingmemories · 11/01/2020 08:46

I asked my husband about this and he said the ONLY reason he's turning on you and getting angry and abusive is because it's true. If it wasn't true he'd just explain calmly not accuse you or be so offensive. And even, as an outside possibility, that it's not true, he's got no respect for you if he says something so offensive as he did about being a fuck up. Which doesn't mean you're not worthy of respect, of course you are, that's about him and his attitudes.

Sorry OP.

welliesarefuntowear · 11/01/2020 09:00

"You dont need proof.
I wish I had known this
You dont need proof.
You know that something is going on
He is behaving very oddly.
Demand an explanation and if you dont get a satisfactory one, tell him your relationship is over
At least that will.force his hand and he Will have to tell you what he is up to if he wants to keep you. Which will.put him on the backfoot
What he is doing atm is denying what you know to be true and daring you to do something about it"

^^

This, a million times this. I spent months looking for proof to prove deep down what I knew anyway and what was staring me in the face. Don't waste your time and emotional energy doing anything else.

bathsh3ba · 11/01/2020 09:33

I had a cheater who still doesn't admit it 6 years after I left. Sometimes you can't get absolute cast iron proof and someone who wants to have their cake and eat it and knows you feel you need proof will lie to the end. You found an account with my photo and details and email address on a sex personal site? I woz hacked. You saw calls to an escort agency? I was testing to see if you would check up on me. You found emails from another woman talking about missing me and enjoying our walks in the park? It wasn't me, guv, I woz hacked again. In my experience, beyond a certain point, snooping doesn't get you anywhere (and using surveillance devices on a partner is now illegal under the coercive control laws). Sometimes you have to make your decision on the balance of probabilities.

AngelsSins · 11/01/2020 09:46

My ex was a PI. He said when a man thought his wife was cheating, he was right maybe 3 times out of 10. When a woman thought her husband was cheating, she was right at least 9 times out of 10.

For those mocking and suggesting the OP is paranoid or defending this man, you’re beyond naive.

seastargirl · 11/01/2020 09:55

You need to stop asking him stuff. Tell him you came on and it must have been pmt.

He'll relax his guard a little and it'll give you chance to get yourself ready, if you plan to separate and potentially catch him out.

buckeejit · 11/01/2020 10:44

Ugh that's rubbish. Sorry OP.

One other thing you could try if he's going to bed later than you is install a voice recorder on your phone & start it & leave it discreetly in the room he is in. Then you can check if he's been talking to anyone after you're in bed? Good luck

BecaLime · 11/01/2020 10:52

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. Has he ever done anything before now that you know about that has triggered this new anxiety? Or are these all new behaviors?

avocadont · 11/01/2020 11:32

I don't know if anyone's said it yet but if he has an iPhone you can see frequent locations in the settings, this will tell you places he has lingered