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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

260 replies

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 17:10

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of courseAngry.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairsConfused.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

OP posts:
riceuten · 10/01/2020 21:46

On Android, the app is called "Who's on My Wifi". It's free. I am also highly suspicious he has another phone, and it does sound like he's going astray.

ILearnedItFromABook · 10/01/2020 21:52

I understand the need to know, but honestly, if it's to the point that you're not just a bit suspicious but openly accusing or questioning him, I'm not sure it matters whether or not you manage to find proof. The relationship is probably in its death throes already.

You have to decide if you're satisfied to stay married to a man you don't trust and who isn't doing everything in his power to prove to you that he deserves that trust (since apparently he's not that angry that you suspect him of cheating).

I think it seems likely he's cheating, but some of your own behaviour sounds rather alarming (maybe the result of so much stress and doubt). Do you really want to go on living with a man you feel compelled to spy on? What would have to happen to make you trust him again? Because while it might be possible to prove that he's guilty, I'm not sure how you'll ever convince yourself that he's completely innocent...

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 22:33

Just gone through older google history and he was searching for a hotel, and the directions for it, close to where he works. First search in 2018 with directions. That was in a prolonged dry spell for our sex life. Another search in Jan last year, maybe for the number. He would have absolutely no reason to look up hotels in that area. Leaves all stuff like that to me anyway!

What possible explanation could there for that I wonder?

He was wearing gym shorts when I thought I saw the outline of a phone. The shiny material type. Not jeans.

OP posts:
Squirrelplay · 10/01/2020 22:36

Oh OP Flowers

You COULD do all the things listed above to catch him out but when you're openly accusing your husband of cheating, the marriage is already dead in the water...

I would quietly start getting my ducks in a row for divorce. Try and get a headstart by getting legal advice/protecting yourself as much as you can. Sorry you're going through this.

Weenurse · 10/01/2020 22:40

Agree with@Squirrelplay, get ducks quietly in a row, get paperwork and all financial information and seek legal advice.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/01/2020 22:44

If I were you I would tell him I was leaving anyway. Just that you’re unhappy. You don’t need to prove it and you’ll send yourself mad trying.

Pinkette06 · 10/01/2020 22:46
Flowers
user1479305498 · 10/01/2020 22:47

If you have your own laptop or PC get glasswire and leave it on . See all wifi connections and keeps records for 12 months . Set it to ping every 5 mins though .

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 22:48

I am only unhappy is so far that I think there is something going on and he is lying. I don’t want to end my marriage but I absolutely will if my suspicions are correct.

OP posts:
HowDoIhelp321 · 10/01/2020 22:49

He actually agreed you should see the doctor because you're seeing things?!
The little bastard.

He knows full well what he had and what you saw and he's pushing you to question you sanity?!

HowDoIhelp321 · 10/01/2020 22:50

I would be the same. You need absolutely proof.

In this situation as sad as it sounds l would be employing a private defective to get absolute proof. I would need it in black and white.

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 22:53

We are talking one hour+ ’on the loo’ and no I do not keep track of his toileting habits but you notice when he’s not around for so long! He has also taken to coming to bed long, long after me .....

OP posts:
Babynamechangerr · 10/01/2020 23:01

I'm sorry OP, it seems unlikely that there is an innocent explanation for the hotels, which alongside the evidence he's got a second phone makes an affair the most likely explanation.

For me I would also consider a private investigator as I'd want unequivocal proof to present him (so he couldn't keep gaslighting you) and I'd also want to know who she is etc. It's difficult to know if this may have been going on since 2018 whether it is the same woman or multiple. I'd want to know whether it was a long term thing (so someone he probably has strong feelings for) or whether it is a series of flings (so potentially just sex).

I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine how hard this is for you Flowers

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 23:03

Not sure a PI would work if it’s a work hours thing which is all it can be. He works on a massive gated site (including car park) in the middle of nowhere and they wouldn’t be able to see anything as staff stay on site all day. He does ‘work late’ due to nature of the job.

I can locate him on iPhone which he knows about so I know he’s coming straight home or to the gym. Too late for the location history at the time of the hotel googling Angry.

OP posts:
GoldLeafTree · 10/01/2020 23:03

You can log into the router for your WiFi without having the account details. You'll have to Google for Sky but with Now TV broadband you go to the website " 192.168.0.1 " and the log in details will be on the back on your router.

It's usually "admin" for the user and "password" for the password but check on the box. Do a bit of clicking around and you'll be able to see every device logged in to the WiFi.

If he's got the phone at work this won't show anything but it's worth a check.

VerySale · 10/01/2020 23:07

I found a second phone after ex and I split. It was in the front pocket of his work bag. I never ever went into his work bag so he knew he was safe. I had a suspicion though so searched everywhere when he was out one day.

I never was able to look at it. Charged by passcode and SIM had been removed.

TiddlestheCat · 10/01/2020 23:09

Playing devils advocate here, re hotel, could it have been for a works related training session. It's not uncommon for away days etc to be held in nearby hotels (in my experience anyway). Even if he is cheating, not all your suspicions will necessarily be correct. Some may be right, other theories wrong. He may be able to disprove some accusations, but not others. As an aside, I thought that cheaters just got a different SIM card to put in their phone. Has technology moved on?

JulietTango · 10/01/2020 23:16

Ah the phone left in the gym locker while he's gone elsewhere

WildChristmas · 10/01/2020 23:28

And you should not be policing my opinion and advice in this case as there is exactly zero evidence of cheating. I think that the OP has grounds to snoop and look, relationships are extremely serious things and being gaslighted is incredibly common, sadly. A man using Viber a lot and never being without his phone, that’s a lot of reasons in itself. I don’t use Viber, why would I?

It’s not women snooping who destruct relationships. It’s very rare a marriage is destructed by a jealous wife who has no grounds. It’s unfortunately common for a man to cheat and to cover it up. And the consequences for the woman staying with feeling that she is going mad is quite high.

It’s awful I know. I hated snooping. It’s called being ‘hyper vigilant’ and it’s a mental health stress in the extreme. I hate looking back and realizing I had to be on alert and then slowly, inch by inch, realizing that I might actually be with a complete liar. You do feel that you are going mad. And if you ended the relationship without any other evidence of them cheating you would always, always doubt yourself.

I know I never thought I’d try to catch my husband online dating. Can you imagine?! I think friends had started to edge away from me a bit by then. But now, looking back, it did give me some kind of relief and I knew then that I wasn’t going mad. It’s easy to get carried away though, as in one sense we are driven a bit mad. Being gaslighted is so mentally damaging. Sad

CalleighDoodle · 10/01/2020 23:28

What will you do if you cant prove it

justasking111 · 10/01/2020 23:37

A friend of mine played the long game. She told her OH that someone was calling and hanging up. He panicked that the OW was doing it so it all came out. Another friend just so desperate followed her husband to the OW house and confronted him. Could the phone be in his gym bag?

WildChristmas · 10/01/2020 23:39

Not sure a PI would work if it’s a work hours thing which is all it can be. He works on a massive gated site (including car park) in the middle of nowhere and they wouldn’t be able to see anything as staff stay on site all day. He does ‘work late’ due to nature of the job.

Sounds just like my Ex. A PI wouldn’t have got far. And it’s probably either work or online dating.

I think if I were you do tell a couple of very close friends. Just to keep your sanity in check. I did. And tell them you are snooping. It is a way of checking yourself as unfortunately we very rarely get much proof, but one thing can just be enough. Say to them that you know that they might find it difficult to understand, but you just need one sign, however small, that he is actually cheating. It does really help in the long term. Ask them as then you will not be just on your own, when you could be tempted to go a bit far and start obsessing over everything. And then normal life gets squashed and the stress is too much, it gets unhealthy.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/01/2020 23:41

I understand the desire to find some hard evidence before uprooting your family...

But I have to say your marriage sounds very unhealthy to me, whether he's cheating or not.

You clearly don't trust him -- and you probably have every reason not to trust him. But once you've got to the point where you're considering telecoms engineering and working out if he has an extra phone or not its game over. Why would you bother living with someone beyond that point?

It sounds like both of you have checked out. It sounds as if your children are approaching the point where it would be less of an upheaval. I would be heading for the exit.

Weenurse · 10/01/2020 23:44

Even if you don’t plan on ending your marriage, it pays to be up to date with paperwork and finances.
Good luck 💐

wakemewhenitsallover · 10/01/2020 23:46

Too late for the location history at the time of the hotel googling

Not necessarily.

Can you log into his Google account on your device (e.g. via Gmail?)

Or is there a device in the house you can access that he'll have google on? (He doesn't need to be logged into gmail, just signed into Google, which he will be if he's signed into Gmail at any point in the past and not logged out).

If so, you can look at his timeline. Lots of people have their location settings on without realising it. It may show his location going back years, mine does.

www.google.com/maps/timeline

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