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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

260 replies

QueenOfTheXtrainer · 10/01/2020 17:10

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of courseAngry.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairsConfused.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

OP posts:
BlueEyedGreeness · 10/01/2020 20:14

And me and dh spend ages in the loo on our phones, (playing mobile games haha) we're just looking for a bit of peace away from the kids! 😂

TopOftheNaughtyList · 10/01/2020 20:17

On the off chance the suspected phone has Bluetooth enabled, wait until he's next ensconced in the loo and use your own phone to detect any other discoverable devices. It might show something up.

FartyFenella · 10/01/2020 20:18

This reply has been deleted

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Paddy1234 · 10/01/2020 20:19

Handholding ❤️

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/01/2020 20:24

If my DH started acting like this. After 25yrs marriage (less than our actual number, so been there), acting like he could not trust me to be faithful anymore. I’d leave him. I’d refuse to have every day and every action or inaction scrutinised for proof of guilt or innocence. No one should have to live under a microscope.

doublebarrellednurse · 10/01/2020 20:25

The reason Viber is associated with affairs is you can set it to self destruct and delete messages so you set it for a time scale after you've read the message and everything gets wiped at that stage.

This i know because my husband used it during his.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/01/2020 20:27

Farty
No, I am not the OPs DH and if your accusation that I am her DH is an example of a functioning brain then I fear for humanity as a species.

It is not “fucking obvious” he is up to no good. Only if you are either damaged by trauma and so have trust issues or are paranoid.

CassidyStone · 10/01/2020 20:27

@PlanDeRaccordement you're being insulting to a lot of us, assuming we have no idea that the majority of men have prostate problems as they grow older. Most of us older married women are perfectly aware that when DH says he's going for a quick pee, it will probably take 20 minutes.

You sure you're not the OP's husband? Wink

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/01/2020 20:33

I posted the prostate thing because mumsnet has lots of women with partners under age 50 who are probably NOT aware. Would you say the same to someone posting about dementia? That they are insulting everyone who happens to have experience with it already?

Rubyfriyay · 10/01/2020 20:34

Hope it works out for you OP

FartyFenella · 10/01/2020 20:35

PlanDeRaccordement

Righto. I have no trust issues, no trauma and am not paranoid in my relationship. Your replies to the OP and your posts here are just not normal or helpful.

I hope the OP finds her DH is entirely innocent but if you believe his behaviour is beyond suspicion then I have some magic beans to sell you.

letsjog · 10/01/2020 20:41

@QueenOfTheXtrainer I think the first thing you need to do is stop accusing him.

If he has (and by the sounds of it he does) a second phone it's because you accused him of being up to something and he's taking extra precautions now.
Every new accusation will make him more careful.

Say you saw your GP and say it might be hormonal/insert excuse here - or just tell him you've not been feeling great about yourself (or whatever bullshit) and apologise for your "behaviour".

He needs to let his guard down. You need to do some digging.

But yes it does sound suspicious.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/01/2020 20:42

Your replies to the OP and your posts here are just not normal or helpful.
you believe his behaviour is beyond suspicion then I have some magic beans to sell you.

Farty,
In the absence of proof, it is perfectly normal to presume innocence as a possibility. What is not normal is to assume guilt, which you have done. You may think my replies to the OP are not helpful, but unfounded suspicion and controlling behaviour stemming from lack of trust can and will destroy a relationship. Your replies encourage the destruction of their 25yr marriage despite his innocence being a real possibility. I don’t think you are particularly helpful to be frank. And you should not be policing my opinion and advice in this case as there is exactly zero evidence of cheating.

Tistheseason17 · 10/01/2020 20:44

If you seriously suspect him - don't waste your energy. Hire a private detective. Better to take the financial hit instead of an extremely emotionally stressful period to find out quickly.
Hope he's not cheating.

FartyFenella · 10/01/2020 20:53

PlanDeRaccordement

OK. Let's leave it there. It's up to the OP. I think he's up to no good based on what the OP has posted as do many others, the OP thinks he's up to no good. You don't. It isn't a competition.

I hope he isn't up to no good for the sake of the OP and her family. But I am not going to post ridiculous excuses and possible explanations for his behaviour that might give the OP false hope. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck.

Why are you so desperate to see her DH declared innocent rather than support the OP in establishing as to what is going on?

And quite frankly if you post on here I can police your opinion as much as I like, as can any other member. As you can do mine. If you don't like it then don't post on here.

Snowmonster · 10/01/2020 20:54

Write everything down when you are suspicious - like him spending extra time in the bog/shower/car anything out of the ordinary, chances are there will be a pattern to his behaviour. Once you know which room/area his suspect behaviour is in the most e.g bathroom/car get a cheap dictaphone with a long battery life (and I mean days) and hide it up to record in there. It might be good to hide one in his car (tape it under the car seat on record) so that when he drives to and from work its recording the journey. Then you can retrieve it when he is busy in the shower and listen at your leisure. If he's phoning someone you'll find out.

IM0GEN · 10/01/2020 21:02

I agree with the posters who say stop questioning him and telling him that you are checking on him.

If he IS cheating then it makes him more careful.

And if he’s not cheating than it makes you look bonkers.

So stop it right now and put him off the scent.

ChikiTIKI · 10/01/2020 21:05

Sounds like something odd is going on... Not necessarily an affair although that seems the most obvious answer. Something secret though...

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/01/2020 21:06

Farty,
I agree, let’s leave it there.
I’m not desperate to see him proclaimed innocent. I am fully aware I am in the minority thinking he may be innocent. That there can be an explanation for the weight loss, time in bathroom, refusing sex when foreplay consisted entirely of “be ready when I get back”. I’d personally want more to go on.

I am against some of the extreme snooping advised here which will destroy trust. I am in favour of the advice that has said stop accusing him, wait and see, he will slip up eventually if he is cheating.

For what it’s worth, I just read part of the thread to my DH and he thinks the OPs DH is cheating! Lol. So you got his vote for what it is worth.

expat101 · 10/01/2020 21:07

Are his devices iPhone's? There is an app/thingo called Find my.... and if you use that, you can see all the real-time locations of where devices are if they are linked via family sharing. If he is somewhere he shouldn't be and has the ''official'' mobile with him (which he should have if he told you he is going to work) it will give you a general idea of his location.

Have you also thought to check the car's distance clock? If he is driving further than the normal klms/miles to work/train station etc, that could be another heads up.

Good luck.

Grumpydad1540 · 10/01/2020 21:12

Does it mater? You clearly don’t trust him.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 10/01/2020 21:19

What do you mean by generally approving his appearance? What else has he done aside from lose weight?

JinglingHellsBells · 10/01/2020 21:28

@PlanDeRaccordement I don't think you reall yunderstand prostate trouble despite your post.

It's all relative. men with enlarged prostates tend to wee a lot more often ( like every 30-60 minutes) and they spend maybe 5 minutes having a wee compared to a younger man with a more forceful flow who will take a minute or two max. No man would be spending ages in the loo for a wee. Even my dad who lived till his 90s with prostate trouble and on meds for it, would have a wee in under 5 minutes.

FartyFenella · 10/01/2020 21:37

Fair play Plan. I sincerely hope that me and your DH are wrong and you are right.

EKGEMS · 10/01/2020 21:42

As always the same poster who would call the sky purple when the rest of us see blue,but I digress... put it to your husband plainly-you WILL divorce him if he continues to behave suspiciously and treat you with contempt-you know him best and you know how dishonest he seems

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