To suspect DH has a (secret) 2nd phone?!

[QueenOfTheXtrainer]

DH has been glued to his phone for the last few months including spending lots of time in the loo with it. Even taking it in the bathroom when he showers. He was also on Viber a lot while at work and until late at night at home.

Obvs I’ve been very suspicious because he’s also been losing weight and generally improving his appearance.

We have had numerous discussions where I have asked him if there’s OW but he swears blind there’s not and I’m nuts of course.

Since I’ve asked him he now leaves the phone around a lot, leaves it downstairs when going to the loo (still spends ages in there), even when popping to the shops which is very unusual!

The other night was peculiar as he was in the main bathroom for a long time and his phone was in our room, so I hung around on the landing pretending to sort out the dirty washing basket to see if he had anything with him when he came out. As he walked into our bedroom, I could clearly see a phone shaped object in his pocket. He then quickly went into our en suite for a shower. I was quite shocked but kept my mouth shut. When he came out he had his dirty clothes in a bundle and walked out to put them in the washing basket but also went into our (sleeping) DS’s room and hung around there for a few mins. I decided to check DS’s room when he was asleep but found nothing. Searched everywhere. I woke him up and told him I’d seen a phone shaped object in his pocket but his phone was on the bed at that point but he denied it and said it must have been his wallet, so I asked him to show me his wallet then but it was downstairs in his jacket ( he hadn’t been back downstairs). I am 100% sure he had something in his pocket.

Also noticed he is hardly ever on Viber at the moment when he was on there constantly a few weeks ago.

Starting to think I was hallucinating! He has no chance to cheat but worried he’s talking to someone.

Another thing is quite often he wants to be intimate but will often turn me down if I instigate it. A few days ago, we had out first day at home when we were both off work and all DC at school in weeks, usually we spend it in bed as it’s the time we can make any noise! I had to go out in the morning but told him to be ‘ready’ when I got back but he was just sitting watching TV. I decided to wait for him to instigate it as I’d already mentioned it but he didn’t. Totally ignored me! Then just before the DC had to be picked up, he said why you in a mood, did someone upset you? obviously knowing I was upset. We had a row and he blamed me for not asking him to go upstairs.

This is a real headfuck. Any ideas how could find out if he has a 2nd phone, obviously PAYG. I have checked his car and he knows that I have!

I knew a dad who cheated on worktrips, and used to phone the ow whilst son was playing football.

I would stop asking him as then he would be on his guard. Watch and wait.

Can you track his main phone to see if he is where he should be? Has he been ‘working late’ recently? Can yo borrow his car for an errand, and do a secret search away from the house? Have you looked on the history of his main phone? Anything suspicious on it? Any unusual payments on the bank statement?

My ex would get "mentionitis" as well, all of a sudden he'd bring up girls i hadn't really heard of or that he barely knew. Like he idolised them and just couldn't not mention them.

This would happen occasionally with one, and every single time he had either cheated with her or attempted to (by messaging her saying she was beautiful, amazing, does she like him, etc).

I found most the evidence i needed going through his phone, but then he got wise and started deleting things. I begged him to leave me if he didn't want me but he swore blind he wanted to stay.

In the end we split and when he came crawling back (as usual) it was just too late. He got that angry i wouldn't take him back he confessed to sleeping with 4-5 girls i didn't know about just to spite me.

He tried eventually lying saying he made that up but it was too late, i had messaged every single one asking for the truth and they all said yes they had been with him but he was adamant he was single (and i believe them!)

There's probably a post on a blokes forum somewhere

My Mrs is behaving very oddly. She keeps commenting on what "might" be in my pocket, is clearly rummaging through my stuff when I am not around and is timing how long I am in the loo for.

The whole thing makes for a very strange atmosphere in the house. The other day she got the hump because I didn't drag her upstairs for sex.

What d you guys think she is playing at?"

Just speak to him, express you concerns and plan some quality time together. If he understands and engages and you get his full attention when together doing something nice then all good.

If he admits something or dodges the chance to send time together then you maybe have cause for concern.

I agree with a PP. Not trusting him and behaving like you are now probably means things are finished anyway, but there is a chance that his behaviour is a response to your suspicious behaviour and that its self perpetuating.

Gym bag? In the spare wheel compartment of the car? In fact check every compartment of the car.

It sounds like you are pretty sure about this second phone, and therefore he is almost certainly cheating or intending to. It's time to stop pussyfooting around the issue and have a conversation with him. He's your husband. Talk to him. Tell him you know. The DC are probably aware you're not exactly happy together these days, anyway, you two separating won't be an enormous shock.

Check phone bills and bank statements if you can.
Your not going mad.
Keep this in mind.
Keep your powder dry though.

Have you checked random places like under the cot in babies room? If there's w spare phone he's charging it somewhere.
The toilet cistern?
Think about the rooms he spends the most time in and then try and think with a devious mind. Where would you hide things?you need to get to the bottom of this.

I am sorry op, my cheated husband behaved the same when he was cheating. He had shower everyday (normally once a week), made sure he looks and smell good, out in the evenings and hiding with his phone.

You have to be prepared.

Can we please bust this myth that because people go to work and come home when expected they can't be cheating. I've worked for at least 3 managers (2 male and 1 female) who everyone knew were having an affair with a colleague, which they did in work hours.

They used to bugger off together for 'client meetings' in an afternoon which were probably in the closest Premier Inn or Travelodge. Or they would both take flexi leave for the same morning or afternoon that their partners knew nothing about.

I can take leave and flexi whenever I like. My DH wouldn't have the first clue if I didn't tell him when I am taking it. I could be doing anything I liked on a dull Monday in a hotel room with a variety of willing chaps and he wouldn't have the first idea so long as I got home roughly when he was expecting me.

We all knew what they were up to. And as much as we'd have liked to have dobbed them in, setting off that nuclear bomb in a family anonymously felt like a massive risk. And to be honest nobody left their spouse. The bit on the side always got dumped. Nicely though, with a promotion or a pay rise.

Just speak to him, express you concerns and plan some quality time together.

Maybe sometimes a woman is just paranoid and is damaging her relationship through anxiety.

However, for most of us with cheating husbands, you try and talk to them and they tell you that you are making it up. All of them do!

The OP immediately told her DH who denied it.

I wish I could say most men cheating just fessed up. But they don’t!

My Ex was on the face of it the loveliest man around. Men trusted him. Looked up to him. He had loads of status. Was ‘kind’. Great Dad. Family liked him. He was one of the good guys.

Yet when I cried my eyes out saying I had found unexplained calls on the phone bill, late at night, he looked me in the eye and said that they were just old computer gaming friends who kept odd hours. Then he got angry with me for looking at his phone bills.

Every day that he was on the toilet for ages, I just had this awful neglected lonely feeling. Couldn’t place it.

He would be late from work and I felt so tired taking care of our child all day. Exhausted.

And then when I left him to babysit and have some me time, when I came back I’d notice that he’d been quite distracted and so our child was not quite been the focus of attention, so a bit ratty. Again, nothing I could complain about without being accused of ‘not even letting him be a Dad... so controlling...’

It was and AWFUL time. Being gaslighted.

You really do have to find out one way or another.

I eventually found him on an online dating site. I just knew he was on it. No picture. But it was him.

If I hadn’t carried on looking I’d still be in the dark and that terrifies me.

Is that your idea of foreplay? Telling DH to “be ready” for when you get back? Sounds awful.

YABU to expect sex on demand like that. YABVU to be snooping around and confronting him about a “secret phone”. He has a right to privacy and it seems you cannot respect that at all.

Your only evidence of an affair is he is taking care of his body/losing weight. Imagine a husband suspecting his wife of cheating because she’s going to the gym and losing weight and spends a lot of time on her phone. You sound very paranoid.

You saw the second phone in his pocket. You know it exists. Tell him to show it to you or it's over.

For the record. All my jean left hand pockets look like they have a phone in them when they don't, simply because that's where t usually lives and there is an outline on the denim. Right hand pockets have a wallet indentation in them.

You know as men get older, they spend longer in the toilet because of their prostate.

“Prostate Growth: A Normal Part of Aging

Starting around age 25, the adult prostate begins to enlarge slowly. The condition is called benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH), and it has nothing to do with cancer.

It’s not clear why the growth happens. What is clear, however, is that around age 50, many men begin to have uncomfortable symptoms as a result of this enlargement. They may have to go to the bathroom more urgently and often, especially at night -- and when they do, it’s often difficult to get a strong stream started or to empty the bladder.

This happens because the prostate gland surrounds the urethra, the tube that carries urine from the bladder and out through the penis. As the prostate grows, it compresses that tube, and that makes urination difficult.”

But you are all screaming he’s in the bathroom ages because he’s a cheater. We complain men don’t understand menopause, but how much do you know about how aging affects men?

My boss had an affair. He also ‘didn’t have time to cheat’. His affair was with the lady who supplied our office furniture and they would meet up in a hotel at lunchtime.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Not cheating (both single), but I've been FWB with a bloke from work for years. We've had sex at work on countless occasions, or on our lunch break too. It would be so so easy to cheat with a colleague during working hours if you wanted to. "He's always at work", is no sign they aren't cheating

I've been in a similar situation to you with bad results at the end if it.
In fact 9 years later I've got my suspicions all over again.
It's quite shicking how sneaky and scheming someone who cheats can be and the lengths they go to cover shit up.

I found a hidden mobile phone between some furniture in a room not used regularly. They tend to hide them somewhere they can quickly access for when they have an opportune moment to check it or message someone. That phone needs to be charged somewhere at some point. Check garage at night, hidden sockets in house.
Check the car when he is out (popping to local shop/walking dog) or in the bath or asleep. Look under carpet. Look behind car lights from the boot. The carpet under the back seat before the floor- run your hand along it and check for bulges. Use your phone torch to inspect anywhere where the car carpet/fuse box under the dashboard may have been tampered with.
Sat nav - check recent destinations.
Start checking/logging car mileage. Does it tally with where he says/should have been. This isn't an exact science it may be 18 miles to work but a mile here or there on top could just mean he took a slightly different route due to traffic/roadworks etc.
I managed to work something out when I realised the mileage was always 7 miles different on a Tuesday and also 7 miles different a few times he was "stuck in traffic" or unexpectedly "Just popped out to B&Q for a new bit for the hosepipe" ..... and that kind if bollocks.
Bank statements. Any odd transactions? Petrol not at usual garage? More cash withdrawals? Cash withdrawals at odd locations to his usual routine. Cheaters use cash more often than thier cards as cash untraceable, but more cash withdrawals or larger amounts than say 6/12 months ago can give clues. Compare old bank statements for pointers in change of habits.
Receipts- a random Costa receipt even for 1 coffee will give clues to where he was and when- does it the in with where he sailed he was/should have been?

Basically just be on the ball. It's wierd what becomes habit and unnoticeable in your routines. But think hard to 12 months ago. Whats changed? What's he doing when he thinks you're asleep, in the bath, running errands. For now you need to be very discreet if you want to keep looking under the radar and wait for him to calm down and "kind of forget" you've questioned him about another phone but another trick is to change your routine out of the blue niw and then. If you always leave for Yoga at 7pm, leave at 6.55 but come back at 7.05 because you've forgotten something. If you normally are busy cooking tea when he comes home, don't be, be available to see him when he pulls up on driveway (discreetly) does he fanny around with niff naff in his car before getting out? Once he comes in be aware of where and what he is doing around the house, that phone needs to be put somewhere if he wants to use it in the house and he's probably taking it with him to work etc because it's too.risky for him to leave it hidden in an empty house more often than necessary. If he's expecting you to be in the kitchen cooking tea, give him a minute then kind of just breeze into where ever he is. You may catch him jump or look shifty at being caught unaware - this is how i worked out which room and the corner of the room he had his hidden phone.
Basically it's about being alert ALL the time. It's really boring basic stuff like when he gets up in the adverts to use the loo. Does he go direct to loo or via another room albeit quickly briefly.

None if this will give you precise answers like "Hes shagging Jane on Tuesday at 2pm" BUT it can build a big picture over time and help you realise if you are being lied to, whwn your head is being messed with.
Of course you might not be arsed to go to this much trouble but I was gaslighted so much I thought I was losing my mind. I totally get it when people say if you have to sneak around then it's over but for me I needed to know and after 14 years I wasn't going to chuck the towel in on a hunch or suspicion.

Do what feels right for you but very very few cheaters have ever replied " Yes.im shagging Jane" when confronted. Most cheater bullshit and minimise.

I'm sorry, OP. But it sounds like he's enjoying torturing you knowing you can't 'prove' he's behaving badly.

Trust your gut. After 25 years together, you know when something isn't right.

Like many others I have been on the receiving end of similar behaviour.

The depths of deceit and lies men can go to is...

It might all be innocent but it sure does not look good.

Use your phone to see what phones are in Bluetooth range most people will not switch off Bluetooth on their phones

You will possibly get a few that are within range but you might be able to narrow it down a bit

Can you follow hIm one day/night?

Yes it’s all very dodgy.

It's not paranoia. What about clearly asking about that colleague?

You sound utterly paranoid, I think you need to chill out a bit.
If he's actually cheating then it will come out eventually, if he's not then you'll drive him away.
Maybe he's improving his health cos he's fed up of being unhealthy... 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think one thing you need to do is stop asking him. All it's doing is making him more careful. Say you've been to the doctors and they have said to keep an eye on your memory and apologise or something and lull him into a false sense of security.

He will slip up if he is cheating