He likes vulnerable women - should I be worried

[Freshstart2020]

Hi all

Am recently separated and kind of seeing a guy, 15year age gap, he txt's me constantly, have gone on a handful of dates. Due to my separation (ex refused to tell family so wasnt public even though separated a year) we have had to be discreet.

Txting last night, silly conversation, he is also saying I am stunning but he isnt into me for my looks, I asked him what it actually is about me that he likes. His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

I was stunned.

Should I run?

@Freshstart2020

Do you have a yearning to be known and understood deeply by someone? - absolutely 100%

Very often, if we grow up in less-than-ideal families, we are driven by a need to understand things, including ourselves. Our desire to make sense of ourselves is strong, because we were never reflected back to ourselves in our parents' eyes. It is our parents who help us (or impede our ability) to make sense of ourselves and of the world.

Kids who were not acknowledged, or who were denied in some way, by their parents, tend to grow up to be adults who crave to be 'seen' in a very primal way. We are missing a basic building block, and we can feel that lack profoundly.

Here's the bugger: you will never - never - find it with someone else. That task has to be yours, and yours alone. It's not fair - and I know how desperately, existentially uncomfortable it feels (enough to run into a man's arms with all the hope in the world) - but it is what it is, and it is down to you.

Get some therapy. Face your past; find ways to meet your own needs. You will then choose different men. These co-dependent rescuers and abusers will no longer hold interest because you will have grown up.

You wont get intimacy with this man, he will never get close enough for real intimacy,, you probably have told him lots about your life, but i bet he hasn't told you much about his,personal life,except he was adopted, and i bet not treated well,
He will make you hang on and hang on ,for any sex ,until he thinks you wont resist,then he has you where he wants you,and you are hooked, then you will get the silent treatment, then dumped, without notice

If he was the true gent that he apparently seems, would he really have already discussed his interest in BDSM? Maybe I'm a prude, but that's something I'd hang on to discuss with someone until I was going to be getting down to it (It's got to be said that he's good at asserting his wants and needs thus far).
Creepy.
If you are vulnerable at the moment is it even worth risking it? Please approach with caution if you decide to continue and think of yourself first!

It is a bit creepy.
Have time to yourself. Ignore him.

Oh come on OP, get some grips here. Do you even know the first thing about BDSM? Have you ever shown the slightest inclination to be turned on by pain and humiliation? Do you even know what BDSM stands for? It stands for ‘bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.’ Which elements of ‘bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism’ do you think a man who wants a vulnerable woman would expect you to play?

You’re really being a silly girl here, and yes, I’m being intentionally patronising. You’ve just come out of a marriage you’ve been in with a man you were with since you were very young; you haven’t even told people you’ve split because he told you not to to you haven’t even started dealing with the fallout yet, including the reaction of others; You’ve had no support throughout your split because of the enforced secrecy; you have small children to care for; you admit you’re naive and know nothing about dating; you’re desperate for intimacy and another man to know you deeply and share your life. You’re an open goal here for an abuser, do you not realise that? But you’re so naive that you think no abuser would ever come after you.

You have been told by almost every poster on this thread that this bloke is waving red flags and screaming danger yet you still want to believe you’ve found your special mysterious prince, and though you know nothing about his special kink you’re not ruling it out because he’s just so kind and understanding, despite the fact that you’re hardly met the bloke.

You’re an idiot if you keep on with this man. You’re been told loud and clear by scores of women, many who are experienced and have been victims of similar abusive men ourselves, that he’s a wrongun and means to cause you harm, but for some reason you think you know better.

Grow up will you? You can’t just fuck your life up because you’re lonely, or you want a shag, you have small children who need caring for and protecting. Jesus, what sort of mother wants to throw herself into the arms of a red flag waving, self confessed abusive pervert with a hidden dark side when she should be concentrating on acclimatising herself to her new life and helping her children adjust to their new life with separated parents? Stop being such a selfish, desperate fool.

Word to the wise. Older fellas into BDSM who look for younger, inexperienced women to introduce to that kind of sex are pretty much always complete fuckwits. If they were responsible with it they would not look to be ‘turning’ vanilla newbies.

AFistfulofDolores1

Thank you for your post, it makes complete sense. I had a pretty horrific childhood and am indeed searching for sense

@Whatisthisfuckery 100% agreed

Freshstart look up the *Quora" website it tells you all the signs of a narcissistic personality,i bet you will recognise this man and hopefully realise how they work
Or even look up narcissistic behaviour on you tube
I didn't, until i read some of the stories on there and i was horrified to recognise all the signs in the person i was with
It is over now,, but i still cant get my head round how someone can seem to be two personalities, one lovely ,and the other manipulative and controlling, and abusive, not physically but in a subtle way,,

100% @Whatisthisfuckery
He has told you what he is , believe him .

This man really reminds me of my F, who sexually abused my DSis and me and some of our friends, and allowed my DB to be abused,too, and I can see now how controlling he was with my DM. Yet my DM, who is a very bright woman with a PhD (though vulnerable as she'd been orphaned at 10), believed that he was such a loving father and husband. Since the SA memories flooded back once my DSis had our DC, we started to realise how he'd manipulated us all.

block and move on!

Just because you developed feelings for him, that doesn't make him right for you or good for you. Yes, he has paid you attention, which is something you need - but not from him!

You need to boost your confidence, but you don't do that by going along with someone else wants, you need to find your own strength. Then you will value yourself more and look for someone who is right for you just as you are.

Run very fast indeed. Block him on every line of communication. Have you told him where you live/work? If so,, tell him you've just moved.

Anyone that tells you they 'have a dark side' or are 'a narcissist' ect believe them. Monsters will often tell you what they are very early on so that when that side does show they can be like 'well I did tell you so you have no right you have a problem with it'.

Delete and block.

Is her married? i did ask before.

@Freshstart2020 - I'm so sorry your childhood did not give you a good start in life.

For full disclosure: I grew up in a psychologically and emotionally abusive household; got divorced; and threw myself into a BDSM relationship with a man who acted very similarly to this (very similarly), and who I felt would finally 'get me'. Not only that: he would somehow initiate me.

Well, he did. Back into my family, not away from it. He was cruel, gaslighting, sadistic, and, while extolling the virtues of healthy boundaries and a 'safe container' for BDSM, categorically violated them, and me.

If there's anything good that has come out of it, it is that it was the final push to do some deep and demanding self-enquiry, and to face a few home truths (pun very much intended) - including, it has to be said, my concealed need to rescue him from himself, which I know now is impossible.

So, in my own way, I've been there. I know what it feels like to have that god-awful itch you cannot scratch when it comes to wanting to really, fully understand what motivated my parents, and who they were. And, by extension, who are lovers/partners are ... and who we are. But there's only one person you can even begin to know, and that person is you. And the only person who can know you, is you.

I'll leave it at that.

Are you late to reading 50 Shades, OP?

I thought the saddos stopped wanking to those books years ago.

Dolores, your posts are giving the op tools I’m finding the posts telling the op she’s a fool fairly annoying. Has it occurred to some of you that she’s thinking out loud & processing what you’re saying? It’s not that easy to turn feelings & hopes off like a tap, give her a chance, let her hear our belief that she deserves more and will find it (after some time to adjust to being single).

Jesus easy question YES RUN!!!

My ex told me, when I finally told him I wanted a divorce, "But you were my life's work!"

Don't let this happen to you OP. Get away, now.

Thank you, @Ritascornershop.

Ritascornershop, thank you!!

Thinking out loud is right, plus this was only said last night, so I was stunned and am processing or at least trying to

We wish you all the best @Freshstart2020 . People use different techniques to get your attention and hopefully action .

He's gathering data on you to use against you later. Why would you OP?