Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He likes vulnerable women - should I be worried

308 replies

Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 09:30

Hi all

Am recently separated and kind of seeing a guy, 15year age gap, he txt's me constantly, have gone on a handful of dates. Due to my separation (ex refused to tell family so wasnt public even though separated a year) we have had to be discreet.

Txting last night, silly conversation, he is also saying I am stunning but he isnt into me for my looks, I asked him what it actually is about me that he likes. His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

I was stunned.

Should I run?

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 10:48

helberg

I started the other thread because this is not a relationship, but I am so missing intimacy with someone

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 10/01/2020 10:48

Hmmmm.

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 10:52

I probably am, I have no idea who I am or what I want

Do the Freedom Programme course. Get therapy.

Heal yourself and build a safe foundation before getting involved with others.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/01/2020 10:52

He has said he would love to transform me, that I have no confidence when I have it all and should be confident.

He does like a challenge

Ahh bit like 'enry 'iggins and Eliza Doolittle then.........

or maybe not Hmm

Maybe he's looking for a BSDM partner but for whatever reason doesn't want to go through the websites that are set up to accomodate ?

There may be men who are single/divorced and want a ready made family (which you sound like you could be) .

But yeah, he sounds like one to block/run from.

Astrabees · 10/01/2020 10:52

OP, please do not get involved with this man. I had a similar experience and it nearly ruined my life. The lovely country vicar type older man who was so gentle, kind and always listened step by step made me insecure, unhappy and - because of his constantl pushing his BDSM interests in a subtle way - both bored and physically hurt by the intimate times we shared. I now know he was a narcissist and of course there was another woman who was even more vulnerable than me (history of self harm, but very beautiful) who he was cheating on me with.a year ago tomorrow it all ended, he has promised her the earth over the last year and delivered none of it. 2019/20 was the worst year of my life, I have cried almost every day spent hundreds on counselling and am only about 50% recovered.

Any shyness, reticence or asking how you could possibly fancy him given the age difference is entirely part of the act.

helberg · 10/01/2020 10:52

I started the other thread because this is not a relationship, but I am so missing intimacy with someone

It doesn't add up.
You're getting far too invested in this guy if it's not a relationship. Stop it now before it goes any further.

I can understand you missing intimacy with someone - but this is not the guy for some kind of "friends with benefits" type arrangement or casual sex if you're not interested in a relationship with anyone.

Astrabees · 10/01/2020 10:54

Is he married?

Dolorabelle · 10/01/2020 10:54

Run.

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/01/2020 10:54

There's a fine dividing line between being protective and being controlling.There's looking after you, protecting you because you're vulnerable, and that easily morphs into controlling what you do "for your own good'. And when you're on the inside, it's not easy to see when you've slid from one to the other - nor do you want a relationship where you have to be continually on the watch.

AtomicRabbit · 10/01/2020 10:58

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Dolorabelle · 10/01/2020 10:58

I suppose I have developed feelings for him. He actually listens to me and isnt looking for quick shag

And you know this - how?

From texting? You need to cut contact and get out into the real world, be single for a while, and talk to men your own age, face to face.

TherapistInATabard · 10/01/2020 11:01

Oh, and he isn't 'worried' about the age gap either. You can't seriously have believed that line!

Gottobefree · 10/01/2020 11:03

Put your trainers on and start running. That is messed up

Forestwitch · 10/01/2020 11:05

Run away! Classic predatory behaviour. He'll be nice as pie and then destroy you.
Men are so not worth it unless you need another breadwinner.

Forestwitch · 10/01/2020 11:06

And if you're missing intimacy, get yourself a rabbit...the battery powered kind Grin

exWifebeginsAgainat46 · 10/01/2020 11:12

this sounds like my second husband. his first wife was vulnerable, as am i, as is wife no.3

he is a psychopath. he likes vulnerable women as he likes the control. he was also into kink, and gradually eroded my boundaries until i was in a situation where i was always trying to please him. he enjoyed hitting me around the face during sex, spitting in my face, and a number of other things that i will take to my grave.

by the time he grew bored of me, i was broken. as in completely, utterly broken, but he didn’t care as by then he had already set his sights on his next ‘challenge’.

OP, please take it from someone who knows this scenario well. cut him off. block him, never contact him again.he is telling you who he is. you would do well to believe him, and run for the hills.

Littlemeadow123 · 10/01/2020 11:14

It's your vulnerability that makes you most attractive to him. What do you think he will do if you start being less vulnerable? All predators come across as nice until they have a woman trapped.

LucheroTena · 10/01/2020 11:16

What’s his name, Christian Grey? Has he mentioned his red room?

BossAssBitch · 10/01/2020 11:18

In the kindest possible way, for the love of god please get yourself some good therapy right now. FORGET dating weirdos, therapy is what you need. And pronto. Men should not be on your radar until you have done this for at least a year.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 10/01/2020 11:19

Run as fast as you can. He is telling you who he is. Listen to him.

kenandbarbie · 10/01/2020 11:20

He wants a vulnerable woman and is into BDSM? Seriously run and don’t look back.

This^^ As everyone else has said he sounds awful. Get rid.

Find intimacy and connection with someone kind and considerate who loves you for your own personality and doesn't want to change you. If you're not sure who you are, be on your own for a while and grow stronger on your own. Hold out for the best.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 10/01/2020 11:20

Run! I would find it so patronising to be told I'm vulnerable (i.e. weak)

Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 11:22

Forestwitch I do not need a breadwinner. My ex was also not the breadwinner. I am financially independent and do not need any man in that way

OP posts:
ThinkingIsAllowed · 10/01/2020 11:22

Excellent points by previous posters: what happens when he thinks you're not vulnerable anymore? Do you want to be vulnerable for the rest of your life?

Yehdivvy · 10/01/2020 11:27

Do the online freedom programme before you start a relationship with anybody. It will help you to recognise abusive, controlling behaviour.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Since your past relationship was abusive, you may have difficulty recognising toxic behaviour particularly if you have to ask on mn. Texting before meeting often lulls people into a false sense of security about the person. It's often hard to drop someone easily after you've met them because you've already built up an 'emotional bond'.

Don't date for a while, take time to decide what you want from life and what's acceptable to you.