Early night while DSS is with us.

[Werkwerkwerkwerk]

DSS 12, together with DH 10, married 5. adhoc arrangement with access to fix around work patterns on all sides. Nothing legal. However DSS does have a habit of coming and going as he pleases. Normally no issue.
DH had a dreadful childhood and openly admits he over compensates. So bed times have become a struggle. If we do much as suggest reading in bed or an early night or watching TV in his den. For example if DSS is shattered or To give us some time he sees it as a punishment and will then flatly refuse to come because he gets 'sent to bed early' around 9:30/10. Which IMO is normal or late for a 12 year old. Bedtime doesn't need to be 11pm or later.
So to get to the crux of the issue. 4 years of TTC. 4 failed rounds of IVF. We took time off and agreed to start TTC naturally for 3 months prior to jumping into another round in the NY. Both hate the pressure of sex around the fertile window so both agreed that we'd make more of an effort around this - so not just a 5 minute quickie. We have DSS this week/weekend (ovulating) I'm up at 5:30 for work and don't want to have to wait until 11ish to DTD. (Yes I know I'll be up at all hours if I'm lucky enough to be a mum but I'm trying to do a bit of self care as I was burnt out) DH hates the bedtime issue has tried to get DSS to iPad/watch a movie in bed read, but it turns into a big deal and DH ends up giving in. If he even says I'm off to have a 'shower' leaving DSS watching TV he will pause it until DH comes back, not exactly ideal. AIBU to think for a couple of days he can surely go to bed at 9:30 to give us a little time?

Is it worth waking around 5am to give you 30 minutes to dtd?

Seriously?

I think it's unreasonable to expect a 12 year old boy to willingly go to bed early so you can have sex. Would you have done that at 12??

No way! Who'd feel like sex at 5am?!!

Isn't it more of an issue that the DH hasn't set proper bedtime boundaries and routine for the DSS? Isn't 11pm a bit late for a 12yo?

I think he needs to have a consistent bedtime regardless. All agree a bedtime then stick to it.

9:30 does seem early for a 12 year old to me

If your husband wants to tackle the bedtime issue that's fine, but sending him to bed so you can have sex isn't good. He'll know that's what you're doing (however quiet you think you are) and it'll just make him want to stay up so that he doesn't have to sit in his room knowing you're shagging a few feet away.

He goes to bed that late on school nights or just the weekend?

The bedtime issue should have been solved irrespective of your need to have sex at prescribed times

And yes, I had fertility treatment

If you both want to conceive, you will dtd at whatever time of day you can!

If he never goes to bed at 930, what has magically changed to make him want to go to bed tonight at 930?

Absolutely nothing, right?

Clearly you're not going to say 'please go to bed so we can DTD' - which would not get the desired result any way - so unfortunately I think you're stuck with this one tonight unless you get up early tomorrow morning.,

Get DH to work on a consistent bedtime, which will be good for everyone. But don't expect this to change tonight just because you want it to.

Both - I'm not talking weekends alone. Agree that 9:30 is early on a Saturday. However don't see the issue watching a movie in bed/playing online with mates or watching a movie in his den on a Saturday.

Agree with PP. 5am is your best bet. DD was a 5am baby, as it happens. Needs must

Nothing wrong with going to his room at 9.30 with half an hour to read or watch TV etc, that's what mine do on a school night anyway. 13 & 15 have just gone up at about 9pm and will be faffing for a bit with toothbrushing etc and a bit of reading or internetting before sleep by 10pm latest. DS1 is 19 and goes to bed at 9.30 too, as he gets up at 6.30 for work. Its just about expectations.

But the problem is your DH doesn't want to enforce that, so it doesn't matter what any of us think, if your DH is overcompensating for something by allowing his DS to stay up late then all the reasoning in the world about consistent bedtimes etc means nothing.

10pm I'd far too late a bedtime for a 12 year old. You're definitely not unreasonable to want to impose an earlier bedtime, nor are you unreasonable to want him to wind down in his room before bed. Too late to start tonight OP but come up with a routine that your husband is also inboard with. In his room for 9pm and lights out at 9.30 on a school night. 10pm on weekends

I think a 10pm new-school night bedtime is fine. Especially if he is allowed a device or TV. I think your dh needs to set some boundaries. The bigger issue is your dss refusing to visit he has to follow pretty standard rules. He is holding his dad to ransom and that isnt fair. I'd encourage your dh to spend quality time 1:1 during the day - give him lots of love and attention. But bed time is 10pm.

*onboard

Non-school not new school

I take it he's an only child? He sounds like he wants company / gets lonely on his own.

I have 4 children - they all actively seek alone time in their bedrooms. I think probably as a direct result of living in a busy household.

Not sure what the answer is if he likes the company. Maybe encourage friends to come over more often?

I don’t think that sending him to bed early (even if to go on his iPad) so that you can have sex is right. It’s his home too and I think he’ll know you want him out of the way. I’m sorry to say that because I know TTC is so hard but on this occasion I think you need to ‘work’ around him.

And DH can tackle to bedtime issue as a separate task.

Ours had to go up at the latest at ten. Bedtime was up to them to a certain degree as long as they were up for school, homework done etc.
We'd never have had any time together otherwise as I go to bed reasonably early.

9.30 is not early for a 12 yr old, especially on a school night. I'm in bed myself!! However, you can't expect it to change now just cos you want to DtD.

Well why can't he just watch a movie in his 'den' whatever that is

Just lock your door, say you're taking a shower and be quiet.

I think there are a few different issues in your post.
The first one is about bedtime for 12 years old - 9.30 pm absolutely fine and reasonable.
The second one : would I have sex while my 15 years old next door is not sleeping yet? No. I personally can’t until she’s asleep.
Tbh you need to get up at 5.30 - it’s very early. I think it would be normal to expect that your household is in bed by 10 pm, with children even earlier than this.
Good luck! I was in your situation and really hated this pressure to have sex in certain times.

His den is a TV room, (with consoles) but seperate from our main living areas. It's his space and close to his room. But as a family we don't use it to watch tv. Use other areas of the house (theatre/living room)

I don’t think as many people would be telling OP to pander to the child if she were his mother rather than stepmother. Yes it’s his home but the parents set the rules.

The issue is DH needs to set boundaries.