Early night while DSS is with us.

[Werkwerkwerkwerk]

DSS 12, together with DH 10, married 5. adhoc arrangement with access to fix around work patterns on all sides. Nothing legal. However DSS does have a habit of coming and going as he pleases. Normally no issue.
DH had a dreadful childhood and openly admits he over compensates. So bed times have become a struggle. If we do much as suggest reading in bed or an early night or watching TV in his den. For example if DSS is shattered or To give us some time he sees it as a punishment and will then flatly refuse to come because he gets 'sent to bed early' around 9:30/10. Which IMO is normal or late for a 12 year old. Bedtime doesn't need to be 11pm or later.
So to get to the crux of the issue. 4 years of TTC. 4 failed rounds of IVF. We took time off and agreed to start TTC naturally for 3 months prior to jumping into another round in the NY. Both hate the pressure of sex around the fertile window so both agreed that we'd make more of an effort around this - so not just a 5 minute quickie. We have DSS this week/weekend (ovulating) I'm up at 5:30 for work and don't want to have to wait until 11ish to DTD. (Yes I know I'll be up at all hours if I'm lucky enough to be a mum but I'm trying to do a bit of self care as I was burnt out) DH hates the bedtime issue has tried to get DSS to iPad/watch a movie in bed read, but it turns into a big deal and DH ends up giving in. If he even says I'm off to have a 'shower' leaving DSS watching TV he will pause it until DH comes back, not exactly ideal. AIBU to think for a couple of days he can surely go to bed at 9:30 to give us a little time?

I'm sure I would have got a different response. If I'd said TTC DC2 and DC1 won't go to bed. And yes we've discussed parenting.
Regardless, for whatever reason he decided he didn't want to come over. So it's become a non issue. And for all those helpful suggestions of the 2am alarm, you've missed the point the DH and I have had 4 years of this so are working hard to make it not feel like a chore. Also the fact that the dr has stressed being rested and relaxed, so I challenge a 5am shag as a good idea. Of course a 12 year old should be able to stay up til whenever he wants on school night, but what do I know I'm not a mum.
And no he can't hear us. We are in a suite at the front of the house there is a room/walk in/bathroom between our room and his ......thanks all for the helpful insight

Good luck OP I really hope you have a baby of your own soon. TTC for four years must be so draining and of course you need to be able to relax etc xx

Dd12 has a bedtime of 9.30 during the week. Later at weekends but goes to bed when we do.

9.30 isn't early for a 12 year old, even at weekends. He's 12, not 16!

Your DH needs to tell him he's going to bed at a normal time. Why can't he say "right we're off to bed now, go and read in bed if you're not tired yet" and then switch all the lights off/lock doors/normal going to bed routine?

Aww I feel for him. If it's mainly weekends then he should just be able to be part of the family and watch tv with you all. You can't make him go and sit on his own.
You could take yourself to bed relax with t.v. or a book and leave DH with his son and have sex when he comes up to bed. You still get some self care that way.

My daughter's guide's club finishes at 9pm (she started when she was about 10 years old) and her stage school at 8.30pm, sorry 9.30pm is early in our household.

Could you exhaust him? Busy day out playing sport / vigorous trek through the countryside / a theme park (if you can be bothered)? Something where he has to be up early - get him up at 7am or something- and then it's go go go? He might be glad of an early night then! I'd also just send dh with him so he has a whole day of 1:1 bonding time with dh (who should be prepped to make as many annoying dad jokes as possible) so that come evening he'll be sick of him and happy to go and watch telly in his den by himself. Good luck!

The issue is bedtime, my 12 yr old goes to bed by 8.45pm on school nights light out by 9pm..(he needs to be up by 6.20am)
My 13 yr old is 15 mins later...they struggle at school if they go to bed much later.
Weekends and holidays are of course later.

Also all devices are left in the kitchen, no TV in bedrooms.

The problem is your DH he has to set some boundaries ideally agreed with SS mum, and stick to them.

For TTC you have to find a way even if not ideal, develop a sense of humour and don't set the bar too high!

Leave him to watch tv/whatever and go to bed early yourselves! And lock the door.

Seriously, at 12, I'm sure he's capable of putting himself to bed.

My teenagers go to bed 9-9:30 on a school night, and so do we! After 10 is too late when they have school next day. I think your DH is spoiling it by being inconsistent.

I was thinking I think the bedtime is to early for him, around 10ish seems more suitable for a 12 year old.

Which is more stressful battling your dss’s bedtime or on the occasions his stays that fall within your ovulation window some disruption to your sleep schedule?

I’m not unsympathetic to your fertility issues (I’ve had years of my own) and how precious every ovulation is and I understand your determination to minimise your stress and be as relaxed as possible but that means I also understand how narrow sighted and UR it can make you - it did that to me and with hindsight I boggle at some of the things I said/did.

Truth is you are probably stressing more over this than you would be if you just worked around it, at least then you’re retaining control of the situation with less variables than a dss/dh who won’t get on board.

Of course answers would be different if we were discussing this situation as your own ds; you would have more authority and control over the situation rather than relying on DH to be on board, your DH probably wouldn’t have the guilt factor surrounding time spent with your dss... it’s not really comparable.

I'm genuinely surprised by how late kids are going to bed! Seems very late to me for a 12 yr old. Some sort of routine around bedtimes is generally considered a good thing surely?

OP - fingers crossed for you on the TTC side of things. I think trying to rush him to bed on one night was always going to fail. Better to get some sensible routines in place so everyone knows where they stand.

I would make a fixed bedtime tbh. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, especially if they aren't going to bed on their own accord otherwise.

I would say he has to head to bed by 9.30-10pm unless a special occasion and your out somewhere. He can choose to entertain himself after 9.30/10pm or go to sleep, the choice is his.

I think 9.30pm is a reasonable time to start bed at 12 years. Realistically he won't be in bed until at least 10pm by the time he's actually got ready, teeth, drink etc.. and can read, watch something or similar after 10pm from you you say in bed anyway.

I'm usually in bed by 10pm myself, and will read a while if not super tired. Up at 6pm for work. So wouldn't be up entertaining anyone until midnight or whenever

I'm sorry I find it a bit grim that you want to package him of so you can have a shag, regardless of TTC. Just get up a bit earlier.

Some of these responses are absolutely ridiculous. He is a 12 year old child. He is in school. Of course it is acceptable for you to enforce a reasonable bedtime. You aren't even sending him to bed FFS, you're sending him off to his own personal gaming/tv room.

OP, if you posted this exact same story but said he was your son, not step son, everybody would be berating you for being so slack and spoiling him by letting him stay up so late.

I think the TTC is a red herring.

The issue is that he sees bedtime as "punishment". You say he's shattered but will still refuse to go.

Personally IMO 11pm is too late for a 10 year old. It's too late for me much of the time!! My teens usually wander off upstairs any time between 8 and 10, depending on homework etc. They're allowed devices until 10.

Maybe phrase it as new year, trying to be healthy? Point out to him you have to be up for work at 5.30 so to get 8 hours you need to be in bed by 9.30....

It sounds daft but go back to evening routines. Dinner at 6. Shower and PJ's at 8. Two hours to watch TV and relax, then everyone goes to bed. As it's the weekend concession is he can have his devices in bed.

I'll often get one of mine in bed by saying they just need to lie down and rest- they can read, have their iPad in bed...

Or alternatively you go to be at 9, leave them to it. Wake your DH up for a quickie before you go to work.

At 12 just leave him watching tv ...

@Dragongirl10
“ For TTC you have to find a way even if not ideal, develop a sense of humour and don't set the bar too high!”

Hahahaha - 4 years TTC 4 IVf cycles, 4 failures. And you’re saying develop a sense of humour! Well I did find that hilarious so I guess that’s something!

I'd just start going to bed with dh at 9.30 and lock the door. Fake having colds or norovirus and say you need any early night all this week. Leave snacks and dvds or whatever out for dss to eat in the den

Same with mine, he'd be knackered if he didn't.

Go to bed by 9.30 I meant to write.

So despite the fact we've had 48 months of utter misery. Not to mention pain/drugs/emotional roller coaster and financial implications. We should find a sense of humour. I lost that on the floor of my office boardroom 6 months ago the last time it failed and literally had to be carried out by my co-workers.
But yes it's apparently grim to try to 'shag' my husband at a respectable hour while a child is in the house ........

...do you have a shed?