Early night while DSS is with us.

[Werkwerkwerkwerk]

DSS 12, together with DH 10, married 5. adhoc arrangement with access to fix around work patterns on all sides. Nothing legal. However DSS does have a habit of coming and going as he pleases. Normally no issue.
DH had a dreadful childhood and openly admits he over compensates. So bed times have become a struggle. If we do much as suggest reading in bed or an early night or watching TV in his den. For example if DSS is shattered or To give us some time he sees it as a punishment and will then flatly refuse to come because he gets 'sent to bed early' around 9:30/10. Which IMO is normal or late for a 12 year old. Bedtime doesn't need to be 11pm or later.
So to get to the crux of the issue. 4 years of TTC. 4 failed rounds of IVF. We took time off and agreed to start TTC naturally for 3 months prior to jumping into another round in the NY. Both hate the pressure of sex around the fertile window so both agreed that we'd make more of an effort around this - so not just a 5 minute quickie. We have DSS this week/weekend (ovulating) I'm up at 5:30 for work and don't want to have to wait until 11ish to DTD. (Yes I know I'll be up at all hours if I'm lucky enough to be a mum but I'm trying to do a bit of self care as I was burnt out) DH hates the bedtime issue has tried to get DSS to iPad/watch a movie in bed read, but it turns into a big deal and DH ends up giving in. If he even says I'm off to have a 'shower' leaving DSS watching TV he will pause it until DH comes back, not exactly ideal. AIBU to think for a couple of days he can surely go to bed at 9:30 to give us a little time?

You really can't send your stepson to bed early so you can have sex.

Half past 9 is early, especially if someone is not used to it. My DC are naturally night owls and are typically still up at 9 9:30 aged 8 and 4. They just don't sleep earlier, at the most my youngest will have a nap then wake up refreshed. It's very tough to impose something like this on a child who is already dealing with 2 homes etc.

Can't you and DH just say "We're going to bed at 10pm" and turn the lights off and expect him to go to his own room then? You can get ready for bed and have some chill out time in your room, before you get in the mood. Make sure you have a bolt inside your door, as pp have said. Surface mounted, easy to fit, only a couple of quid. Put some music on and enjoy your space. Nothing to stop you getting up again if you want to watch telly after DTD and dss has gone up sleep.

9:30 is quite early. It comes across that you are resentful of SS as he is preventing you from conceiving. Perhaps get a bit of perspective. It's not all about the future possible baby. There's an actual kid already here who probably doesn't want to hear you shagging.

So the issue is less that he's getting sent to bed (you've suggested the Den instead) it's that he expects to spend the time until bedtime with you and his dad, not entertaining himself?

If he only sees his dad some of the time I can understand this. You have all the days he isn't there to be just the two of you. If he was there all the time, or even a majority of the time, I think you'd need boundaries so you and DH had time together, but if he's not there all the time then I think the insistence you need time alone when he's there must seem quite alienating to him. Especially if you're about to have a child that will be living with you full time.

The ttc and ovulating issue does make it messier. You could just skip the days he's with you. All sorts of things get in the way of ttc. Keeping up good relationships with current children is probably one of the beeter reasons to miss the peak window. But otherwise, can't you and DH just retire early for the night instead of sending him elsewhere?

No advice but my 9 year old goes to bed at 9.30 and reads until about 10.15.

In case anyone else like me reads this and thinks shiiiiiiiiiit wtffffffffff like I did :)

Does DH say yes every time DSS wants to come to yours or do you ever either have plans or “have plans”?

Nothing wrong with a 5 minute quickie. I know you said you want to both make an effort but needs must when you’re ttc. You can go for romance over function on other occasions.

If I recognise you from other posts, you’ve frequently had issues with your DH and his priorities and felt your ttc has taken a back seat to pandering to DSS. Bedtimes and blackmail will continue to be an issue for you with both of them and you need to be able to have open honest conversations with your husband now so that life isn’t unbearable with a baby in the mix.

I don’t think you can change something that’s happened for years. Of course it will feel weird for him

Can't you just simply go to bed and send him to bed too at 9.30? You will be fresh in the morning to DTD. Don't do it when he is awake and in the next room. What if he needs someone when he is awake? and I don't think 9.30 is late for a 12 YO child. All my growing up life my bedtime was 9pm. We could do reading or just lay down but we had to be in bed by that time and it was perfectly reasonable.

I think on this occasion, it's either a 5 minute quickie or 5am sex.

Longer term, your DH needs to create some boundaries around bedtime and enforce them, but that's not going to happen overnight and it's not really going to happen in time for you to DTD. And if you try, and it goes wrong, you're going to be even more annoyed and frustrated that DH hasn't managed it... to a certain extent, you'll be setting him up to fail.

Best of luck with TTC

But it sounds like your dss is insecure or feels left out/lonely?
You turn ding him out for sex won’t solve this.
Just have sex at 11pm or 5am, it’s not the end of the world

As others have said when TTC needs must. Get up at 5am. I also second the acupuncture the day before thing too. Worked for me when I was struggling to conceive DD.

It’s not DSSs home- that’s probably the crux of why he doesn’t settle. It’s “dads house” so that’s where he spends time with dad. Sounds reasonable to me tbh

That aside, he could be sent for a shower and you can have a quickie.

Cant you just tell him you're both burnt put and are trying to go to bed mega early for a month or so, and disappear off half an hour earlier than you would do normally? Tell him he is welcome to go to bed when he wants. I dont mean specifically for this but in general. If he is old enough to stay up and watch tv til 10/11 then he is old enough to turn stuff off and put himself to bed?

I think the bigger issue here is you and your dh do not agree on parenting strategies. How are you going to parent a new child when you are on different pages?

We've tried the whole - we are all going to bed early which leads to DSS not visiting because it's boring, he gets sent to bed early and there is nothing to do ......

Then obviously you shouldn’t be creating an issue around bedtime on a Saturday. Your stepson feeling happy and welcome in his Dads home is more important than you getting to have sex in that tiny little time slot.

We've tried the whole - we are all going to bed early which leads to DSS not visiting because it's boring

So he expects to be 'entertained'?

You do have options here, they just don’t fit with your plans. If you weren’t ttc would you trying to enforce this?

On occasion you will have to abandon your ideal plan and do what fits (which is how I believe most parents have to conduct their sex lives tbh). You can wake up earlier, you can stay awake later, you could set an alarm for 2am and have a session in the middle of the night. Ttc is something you and your DH want to do and that puts me on the side of any burden should be yours. You come across stubbornly focussed on getting your dss out of the way and unreceptive to any other way around it.

I don’t think parents should sacrifice everything at the alter of their dc but I don’t think your sex life (ttc or not) should dictate the households timetable.

930 bedtime is fine for a weekday but not the weekend. It’s a bit mean to kick him out if he actually wants to stay up with you and spend time together, that’s something you should be making the most of at this age while he still wants to if you want a good bond with him, especially if (I assume) you don’t have him every weekend anyway.

Set your alarm for the morning and do it then.

I presume you’ve actually discussed how you’re going to handle parenting a new child if you’re not happy with how your husband parents his existing one?

Dd was going at 8:30 at 12, and 9/9:30 now at 14. They are young and need sleep to grow and recharge. 11pm is way too late in general- DH and I go at 10/10:30 to get up at 7am.

Regardless of ttc issues, Dss should have a consistent bedtime to get sufficient sleep.

Biddypop - that is much earlier than any 12 year old I know. And I don't know many adults who think they need 9 hours to function either.

Ignore the ‘you can’t send him to bed to TTC’ brigade on here. It’s ridiculous this notion now that parents can’t do anything for themselves as DC must come first in all scenarios. So if your DH is exhausted from work but DSS wants to watch another movie then posters are saying he MUST stay up as DSS getting to watch a second movie is more important than DH well-being? Ridiculous.

You must both be exhausted and your mental health on edge after 4 failed rounds. It’s time to put yourself ‘first’ (ie at expense of DSS not getting to stay up super late 3 nights a month (fertile window) )

If he doesn’t want to come when you go to bed early then just get DH to ring him and say that he’s exhausted from work and definitely going to bed early X Y Z night. Just to let him know. Otherwise if he wants to come over any other time in that entire month!!!! DH will not be going to bed early. Then DTD and get an actual early night so you’re more rested for those few days. If DH feels bad about doing this then on ovulation week he could bring DSS out to cinema or for food or something to make up for saying he’s going to bed early and so restricting the days DSS can come over - although honestly I know my Dad would be upset if I only wanted to see him on my specific terms and otherwise didn’t bother especially over something like going to bed an hour earlier.

Good luck with TTC.

We've tried the whole - we are all going to bed early which leads to DSS not visiting because it's boring, he gets sent to bed early and there is nothing to do ......

Up to him. He's a child he doesn't dictate how you run your household. If he chooses not to come it's up to him. Time to put your foot down.

My 15 and 17 yr olds are in bed by 10, with phones downstairs! I think 9.30 for a 12 yr old is actually quite late. Misses main points completely.....