Early night while DSS is with us.

[Werkwerkwerkwerk]

DSS 12, together with DH 10, married 5. adhoc arrangement with access to fix around work patterns on all sides. Nothing legal. However DSS does have a habit of coming and going as he pleases. Normally no issue.
DH had a dreadful childhood and openly admits he over compensates. So bed times have become a struggle. If we do much as suggest reading in bed or an early night or watching TV in his den. For example if DSS is shattered or To give us some time he sees it as a punishment and will then flatly refuse to come because he gets 'sent to bed early' around 9:30/10. Which IMO is normal or late for a 12 year old. Bedtime doesn't need to be 11pm or later.
So to get to the crux of the issue. 4 years of TTC. 4 failed rounds of IVF. We took time off and agreed to start TTC naturally for 3 months prior to jumping into another round in the NY. Both hate the pressure of sex around the fertile window so both agreed that we'd make more of an effort around this - so not just a 5 minute quickie. We have DSS this week/weekend (ovulating) I'm up at 5:30 for work and don't want to have to wait until 11ish to DTD. (Yes I know I'll be up at all hours if I'm lucky enough to be a mum but I'm trying to do a bit of self care as I was burnt out) DH hates the bedtime issue has tried to get DSS to iPad/watch a movie in bed read, but it turns into a big deal and DH ends up giving in. If he even says I'm off to have a 'shower' leaving DSS watching TV he will pause it until DH comes back, not exactly ideal. AIBU to think for a couple of days he can surely go to bed at 9:30 to give us a little time?

Umm..
So if he does go to bed and you're happy for him to do this in his room or read.. why cant he do this (assuming that's where he would be..)..

You'll either be having sex with DH on the same floor (of the house) as DSS.. or on a different floor.
Presuming you arent naive to think even if he does go to bed at 9:30 he will be going straight to sleep.

So if he does go to bed and you're happy for him to do this in his room or read.. why cant he do this (assuming that's where he would be..)..

What?

Yes the TTC is one issue and I don't want him to feel he needs to be out of the way! However not getting 30 mins to watch TV of an evening with DH or have a chat can be frustrating. Agree it's DH's issue. But he wouldn't come for weeks after DH asked him to get ready for bed, not into bed at 9pm. Because he was up early for sport. Him and his mum go to bed at the same time so feel we should do the same.

My teen who is 16yo is going to bed at about 9.30pm. Not 11.00pm (and neither do DH or me)

You have a massive issue with bed time and I wonder at what time he is going to bed when he is at his mum.

It’s ok to have different rules in different houses and your SS can’t hold you to random by saying he won’t come over any more if you don’t set rules. Your DH needs to sort this out and SS will keep coming over when he realises threatening not to come won’t work

Your problem btw is that ut has been going in for years. It will much harder to convince him now that he is 12yo that he should go to bed at a normal time rather than just waiting for you to go to bed.

Having said that, you could easily say that you are both going to bed as you are shattered and expect him to go to bed too if his reasoning is ‘I’m only going to bed when daddy is’.
That way he goes to bed earlier and you get plenty of time in bed together.

Him and his mum go to bed at the same time so feel we should do the same.

Why don't you all go to bed at 9.30 then? Read in bed, chill out, etc. Or send him to a shop to get some milk and give him some money for sweets in the afternoon and ambush DH then!

So basically your DSS expects his dad to dance attendance on him, not have any rules or refuses to visit? what a little charmer!
Most 12 yr olds live in their room, I think your DH needs to step up, he’s being dictated to by his DS, having to sit with him, not expected to go to bed until a 12 yr old approves, yeah that’ll be right.

Let me rephrase

So bed times have become a struggle. If we do much as suggest reading in bed or an early night or watching TV in his den. For example if DSS is shattered or To give us some time he sees it as a punishment and will then flatly refuse to come because he gets 'sent to bed early' around 9:30/10

So. If you send him to bed.. at 9:30/10 and he does go. He goes and reads.. what are you going to do?check on him to make sure he is asleep? Before you and DH go to bed?

Otherwise what does it matter where else he is in the house?

All go go bed at nine thirty then?

I'm not sure having a baby will help these issues because the baby will want time with dad son will want dad and you will want your husband too.....I would be inclined to sort it out before conception personally

My 15 year old is in bed at 9.30 weekdays, 10.30 weekends. 9.30/10 is late for age 12.

Ugh he sounds a pain in the arse!

Definitely establish bedtime now before the baby comes so he doesn’t relate the two.

9.30pm on a school night for a 12 year old is totally fair! If he doesn’t want to come over then fair enough, awful he’s using emotional blackmail already.

I'm sorry. I've completely missed the point! Please ignore me.

While ovulating and you are TTC , maybe get a cheap bolt for your bedroom door and say you and DH are having an early night, bolt the door and TTC. My 12 dd always goes to her room by 9.30 and that is her choice (she usually goes in her room alot earlier to watch tv or play on ps4 and talk to her mates).

I’d say don’t ask him, tell him.
Sounds like the kid rules the household.

Side note:Try to get acupuncture on the day you’re ovulating to increase chances of impregnation. That’s what worked for me after 2.5 years of trying

Oh my! 9.30pm is early for a 12 year old to go to bed? My nearly 10 year old knows bedtime is 7.30pm on a school night. He has the option of reading for half an hour but mostly he turns his light off by 7.45pm! At 12 I'd imagine 9pm is late enough. 10pm fair enough on a weekend.

That said... with our room sandwiched inbetween our childrens rooms sex is pretty much off the agenda as they are light sleepers. I'm a terrible sleeper too so waking up early before they do just for sex is unimaginable to me... I'd rather sleep.

Hope you find some middle ground OP, tough one .

Do you really think you’re going to have enjoyable sex if you know there’s a bedtime issue with your ds and you’re pushing him to bed early for that reason alone? Wouldn’t it feel odd having sex with an awake 12 yo in the house?

Yanbu to think that a regular bedtime should be established by now, but as it isn’t, you can’t just force it on the one night of the week that ds is staying with you so that you can have sex and expect it to be relaxed and conducive to ttc. Surely you’re adding pressure here, not reducing it?

Can you not say you have "plans" and he stays at his Mum's home?

Or if you can afford it, take yourselves off for a night "from time to time"?

If we want the DC to go to bed we make sure we're as boring as possible. 'Nice cup of tea dear? Shall we watch the dullest fuddy duddy sitcom ever?' 'Oh, yes, then afterwards there's that documentary on BBC4 about knitting. I love knitting.' Helps if one of us falls asleep on the sofa and starts snoring.

I mean I know we should stand up to the DC and be insistent but honestly, when a child is coping with two homes and getting stressed by different rules in each, you pick your battles. Or get devious.

While I agree that the bedtime issue needs sorting, I can't help thinking that for the sake of avoiding conflict and annoyance on a weekend when you want to TTC, surely it would just be easier to just go to bed and do it at 11pm? Tackle all this on the next visit, but having left it till now, I would delay just once more.

Why is it such a big deal to get up 15 mins early to bonk and save yourself the hassle.

He will know you've sent him off so you can shag. That's an awful thing for a kid to have to know.

I’m glad you’ve said that dementedswan! I was thinking 9.30 seems very reasonable for a 12 year old! My 10 year old is in bed for 8, lights off for 8.30. Most of the time anyway, there are definitely times she reads far later than she should and I don’t discover until I go up to bed later!!

Tell DSS you're having an early night and both slip off to bed to DTD.

He wants to spend time with his Dad, can you really not see this.
He would probably stay at his mums if he wanted to play online or have an early night.