Early night while DSS is with us.

[Werkwerkwerkwerk]

DSS 12, together with DH 10, married 5. adhoc arrangement with access to fix around work patterns on all sides. Nothing legal. However DSS does have a habit of coming and going as he pleases. Normally no issue.
DH had a dreadful childhood and openly admits he over compensates. So bed times have become a struggle. If we do much as suggest reading in bed or an early night or watching TV in his den. For example if DSS is shattered or To give us some time he sees it as a punishment and will then flatly refuse to come because he gets 'sent to bed early' around 9:30/10. Which IMO is normal or late for a 12 year old. Bedtime doesn't need to be 11pm or later.
So to get to the crux of the issue. 4 years of TTC. 4 failed rounds of IVF. We took time off and agreed to start TTC naturally for 3 months prior to jumping into another round in the NY. Both hate the pressure of sex around the fertile window so both agreed that we'd make more of an effort around this - so not just a 5 minute quickie. We have DSS this week/weekend (ovulating) I'm up at 5:30 for work and don't want to have to wait until 11ish to DTD. (Yes I know I'll be up at all hours if I'm lucky enough to be a mum but I'm trying to do a bit of self care as I was burnt out) DH hates the bedtime issue has tried to get DSS to iPad/watch a movie in bed read, but it turns into a big deal and DH ends up giving in. If he even says I'm off to have a 'shower' leaving DSS watching TV he will pause it until DH comes back, not exactly ideal. AIBU to think for a couple of days he can surely go to bed at 9:30 to give us a little time?

With love - if 4 rounds haven't worked, and after a few years trying, your chances are pretty slim ttc naturally. The romance etc is for your MH and your relationship not to support conception.

I've been where you are and it's all consuming and the only control you have is to control stuff like this. I think you may need to just give in to the grief rollercoaster and not expect too much from each ttc occasion. So this time, yes, do it at 11 or 5am quickly. Or on the Friday, or the Sunday night- the window is still open and it honestly won't make the difference you think it will.

If you have unexplained infertility there'll be something else going on that medical science just hasn't caught up with yet.

OP - I think you are so caught up in the awful and all consuming struggle of TTC you are understandably losing all perspective on the realities of life with a family which inevitably involves children pushing boundaries and parents disagreeing on how to deal with that.

From your user name to the completely contradictory statement that you and your partner are ‘working hard’ to make sex not seem like a chore, but an erotic and loving event that must happen before 11pm, it seems like your whole life is a struggle atm. I hope things get better for you soon.

I think YABabitU. It sounds like step-son wants to spend time with his dad. Why not try and facilitate that with regular contact instead of the ad hoc situation - "we'd love you come around this weekend to do x".

Genuinely if you want to be relaxed about TTC, please try and forget the fertile window - that isn't relaxing around trying naturally.

don’t force a child to do something he doesn’t want to just to suit you.

Quite a lot of childhood is about learning that you cannot always have your own way. Your parents, or parent and their DP, might want half an hour to themselves meaning you have to go to bed early. The child isn't being forced on a 10 mile hike, he's being asked to have a regular bedtime. That is perfectly reasonable.

Why don't you all go to bed at 9.30-10pm? He goes to his room, you two to yours and chill for a while until he's settled, lock door and get on with it!

@Mummyshark2018 rtft

Would a more formal schedule work better?

I think its out of hand. He is 12yo and more than capable of entertaining himself from 9.30pm till he goes to sleep. He is using this as a form of control. If he gets to spend the entire day with yourll, what does he need his dad to hand hold him for.
Your dh really needs to put his foot down here. Imagine if you do have a baby, this form of control and manipulation by dss will only increase.
Absolutely no other reason why he needs babysitters at night.
If you havent mentioned this was your dss and rather your ds I can guarantee the responses will be different.

I think your dh needs to put his foot down over bedtime. 9.30 is late for a 12 year old to go to bed (mine goes at 9, sometimes she wants to go earlier if she’s really tired). Even if he won’t sleep at that time he can be went to his room to read.

You have a DH problem and his refusal to enforce boundaries with his son. Only your H can sort the rod he’s made for his and your back.

At what point is overcompensating for his childhood going to stop being a get out clause for avoiding the grind of parenting.

@OneDay10 I can’t decide if your view of a 12 year old boys relationship and desire to spend time that they both enjoy with his non-resident dad being manipulative is sad or just fucked up. It’s a couple of days a week.

No one here has the luxury of the security of a full time relationship to create boundaries and expectations.

To be frank the OP had three cycles of ovulation for which she wants to tackle two well known contentious parenting issues; sleep and time spent with a non-resident parent. By all means tackle the bed times but to actually do that with minimal stress (and kids can sniff out rejection and desperation a mile off) will take time and consistency. There are two other people’s emotions involved here, they won’t necessarily just do it freely and easily just because the OP feels her reasons are justifiably sound.

With an awareness of how easy it is to become desperate around ovulation I think the OP is on a path to creating more stress and upset for herself and everyone else when she could simply rejig her own timetable to achieve what she wants. People are (imho) posting longer term solutions that won’t be easily achieved in the timescales she wants. Why do that to yourself?

Op I have read it. You said he goes to bed at the same time as his mum so tell him you and dh are tired and this is the time you're going to bed so you expect him to go to bed too??

In the gentlest way OP, I do think you're being precious here - your self-care and desire to have non-quickie sex and your desire to have it before 11pm, should not mean your DSS should go to bed early. You can have quickie sex; have it after 11pm; suspend your self-care for a few days while DSS is there; have 5am sex. None of these involve sending DSS to bed early.

I am so sorry for your distress. Do the doctors have any idea what might be preventing pregnancy? If you're trying naturally, consider the Sperm Meets Egg Plan (google for details)). There are lots of things that might help - eg Softcups - but it depends on what might be the issue. Good luck OP.

You've got a DH and parenting issue. DSS needs boundaries and DH is indulging him.

I've seen posts on here from mums looking after a baby 24/7 when older children refuse to come to the house because they don't like the baby and the dad spends hours out at the cinema/soft play/football/add in activity of your choice instead of supporting a new mum and their baby.

I think you are so caught up in the awful and all consuming struggle of TTC you are understandably losing all perspective on the realities of life with a family which inevitably involves children pushing boundaries and parents disagreeing on how to deal with that.

The situation OP is dealing with is far from "inevitable". Plenty of 12 year olds have a reasonable, age-appropriate, set bedtime during the week and go to bed before midnight on weekends. I think it's a bit patronising to say she's "lost all perspective"- she's hardly demanding the moon on a stick. She just wants the adults in the house to be allowed to go to bed when they want to, rather than their bedtimes being dictated by a 12 yo... that's just normal!

This has been an eye opener - I had no idea that my 12yo DS was going to bed so early. He is an early riser, regardless of the time he goes to end, but still. He is in bed for 8:30 (usually asleep as soon as his head hits the follow) weekdays and 9:00 weekends.

When I was 12 I had guided which finished at 9pm. I must have needed to wind down after so imagine bed tome was gone 10

*@OneDay10 I can’t decide if your view of a 12 year old boys relationship and desire to spend time that they both enjoy with his non-resident dad being manipulative is sad or just fucked up. *

So you think if a child spends the day with his parent and then at 9.30pm at night will not go to bed unless he is babysat is not manipulative? And this child who doesnt visit if this demand is not met isnt manipulative?? Oh give over.

No OneDay10 I really don’t.

That’s not saying I don’t think other boundaries could/should be implemented but describing that behaviour as manipulative implies deviousness, malice and a conscious intention to deprive someone else for their own benefit. I’m not detecting any of that from OP’s description, I’m simply reading a boy who doesn’t live with his father enjoying the opportunity to spend time with him.

I don’t think children are inherently malicious and/or manipulative without other factors so if he was behaving that way I’d suggest he was been failed in other ways by his parents, even if it was just recognising why.

@WellTidy, when ny teens were 12yo there were in bed at similar time.
oldest is now 16yo and is bed by 9.00~9.30pm.

My comment on that, and I would say the same for an adult, is that if you fall asleep at 9.00pm and stays asleep until 7.00m (time whe we get up) then you rpobably need that numbers of hours of sleep.
No point trying to compare yourself to others as we all have different needs sleep wise.

Amaretto yes, I would go with that too

Op you sound really angry. I’m not surprised it sounds like you’ve had a horrendous 4 years with ivf. I wish you luck 💐.

Maybe with all of pain you’re judgment isn’t what it would usually be, I’m not sure but for what it’s worth I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing what you was suggesting with my 13 year old son. I’m glad it worked out in the end and 🤞🏼.

Both my kids go to bed at 8.30/9 but probably aren’t actually asleep until about 9.30 / 10. They don’t have bedtimes at the weekend.

Really hope this is your year!

Both hate the pressure of sex around the fertile window so both agreed that we'd make more of an effort around this - so not just a 5 minute quickie.
What does 'more of an effort' entail? Have you any children of your own? How old are you and DH?

Have you any children of your own? How old are you and DH?

Why is this relevant?!

Erm. Shag during the day? The kid is not glued to you non stop is he? Surely he goes out with friends or to do things at that age.