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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

470 replies

DataColour · 09/01/2020 12:01

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 09/01/2020 14:47

I always read before going to sleep but always stop if dh needs to sleep. Sleep is more important.

NearlyGranny · 09/01/2020 14:47

I get this - reading downstairs is not the same! You want to read yourself to sleep in bed. If you read anywhere else, the sleepiness gets disrupted by the preparations and moving about of going to bed and all the benefit evaporates.

The trick is to get in bed earlier, ideally first, and read so you're ready for sleep by an agreed 11pm deadline.

Vulpine · 09/01/2020 14:49

I go to bed early so i can read

katy1213 · 09/01/2020 14:49

I couldn't sleep with lights on. You need separate rooms.

Hadalifeonce · 09/01/2020 14:55

My DH used to say he couldn't sleep with my light on, then I pointed out to him that he can fall asleep in the sitting room with a light and the TV on!
He doesn't complain any more.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 09/01/2020 14:55

I used to be able to sleep anywhere, anyhow, lights on, lights off, whatever. Then about 10 years ago, my DH's business took on a huge contract and he was up working til all hours and I would end up going to bed ahead of him while he worked on. He would always ask me to leave his light on as he'd 'be up in a minute' and predicably enough almost never was. I'd turn my lamp off but ended up falling asleep with his still on night after night after night. Sometimes he would come to bed shortly afterwards, but sometimes it would be much longer.

Eventually, it totally screwed with my pineal gland. I ended up with thyroid problems and an irregular menstrual cycle for the first time in my life. I also became depressed. It took a long time to figure out what the cause of the problems was, and even longer to get better. I'm well now, but still very sensitive to inappropriate light. I can go to bed tired out and if my DH reads for a few minutes I'm fine, but if he reads for, say, half an hour, I get all restless and agitated and can't sleep for hours. It's a fine balance and I can't help it.

I don't think YABU to want to read in bed, but given that he really can't cope with it I think YWBU to continue. It's not worth making someone ill over. In your shoes, I'd get into bed earlier.

But he needs to deal with the anaemia separately, as it won't be helping. Both iron anaemia and B12 deficiency also affect pineal gland function. You might find that if he can get to the bottom of that, or at least rectify it, your light doesn't bother him so much.

Purpleartichoke · 09/01/2020 14:56

Get a book light or even better a lighted kindle and stop being rude.

zebra22 · 09/01/2020 15:00

Either buy a kindle with a backlight or listen to i podcasts or something instead

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2020 15:01

I can't sleep with any hint of light. I even cover the clock face of the radio alarm clock. And I've tried eye masks but I can't sleep with those either. It's a bit like a watch - I can't wear one, that slight feeling of something even slightly constrictive drives me insane.

His sleep overrides your reading I'm afraid.

OhPrudence · 09/01/2020 15:02

My husband is the same with wanting lights out when he wants to sleep, except for us it's 10pm. I know I am projecting from my own experience but I wonder whether he's all ready for sleep because he's already had lots of lovely downtime while you rush about doing household jobs/parenting till 9.30pm? Then of COURSE you would want a reasonable amount of downtime before you sleep - only to be up again the next day, before him. This is definitely true in my house. He's ready for sleep before I am because he has already wound down from his day. Still he can't see why I might need extra awake time to decompress after being busy till late. As much as I can't sleep with lights on, YANBU about your bedtime being dictated (and because I suspect you get very little time to yourself compared with your husband).

CornishPorsche · 09/01/2020 15:04

I have this same dispute with my DH, but I've never expected him to cope with a bedside lamp. I have a back lit Kindle, on 2% light. That's solved the arguments.

YABU to expect anyone to sleep through a light, including a phone screen

Notthebloodygym · 09/01/2020 15:04

I can't sleep with light. A recently discovered £5 airplane style blindfold solved it for me.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 09/01/2020 15:07

It’s really common not to be able to sleep with a light on. YABU OP. The bedroom is primarily for sleeping.

Not being able to sleep even with the clip on light on is perhaps more unusual but some people just do really need darkness to sleep.

Maybe separate rooms then?

HyacynthBucket · 09/01/2020 15:09

i love reading in bed but gave it up at nighttime at least, because DH simply cannot sleep with the light on. I fully agree with him that sleep is more important than reading in bed. YABvU to do otherwise.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 09/01/2020 15:09

I know I am projecting from my own experience but I wonder whether he's all ready for sleep because he's already had lots of lovely downtime while you rush about doing household jobs/parenting till 9.30pm? Then of COURSE you would want a reasonable amount of downtime before you sleep - only to be up again the next day, before him

This is a reasonable point and would change my answer.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/01/2020 15:09

He really doesn't want to sleep with you, does he? If he did, he'd be finding a solution that worked for him without curtailing your very minimal lighting.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2020 15:11

LimitIsUp Did you even read the OP where she states he even bought her one to try?

BeckyButters · 09/01/2020 15:15

Get separate bedrooms....

userxx · 09/01/2020 15:15

I'm the same OP, I like messing on my ipad but I get moaned at.

ec1993 · 09/01/2020 15:16

Buy a kindle with a backlight. My DH and I both have one and neither of us are bothered by the others light on it and we both like the house to be pitch black when sleeping 😊

minesagin37 · 09/01/2020 15:17

My DH has a kindle plus I wear an eye mask. You shouldn't expect him to just put up with a light being on.

Winterwoollies · 09/01/2020 15:23

I’m late to the party here. I haven’t read the whole thread. But here’s my two penneth. Buy an eye mask for him and a book light for you. Ta da! Marital bliss once again restored.

Original poster
DataColour · 09/01/2020 15:25

To be fair he does a lot of household tasks and parenting, so it's not that he is getting more downtime than me (although at the moment he is as he is not at work). He reads a lot during the day and evening, any chance he gets, so he is ready to switch the lights off at 11.
In contrast, I only read at bedtime, having watched a bit of telly. I need to organise myself better I suppose...I get about 1.5hrs downtime each night...which means I have to choose between TV or reading, not both Sad

OP posts: