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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

470 replies

DataColour · 09/01/2020 12:01

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

OP posts:
Pugwash1 · 09/01/2020 13:42

I'm the same as your DH. Any light at all keeps me awake for hours whereas he can sleep on a bloody galloping hedgehog. We have bought some really good eyemasks from amazon. Try the soft, moulded ones. They really are excellent but do leave a tiny bit of light by the nose. Sometimes even this is too much for me and I tape it down with a steri strip. These and great ear plugs have been a real win for us as I go to bed very early and DH likes to unwind in bed with Internet and reading. This way we still go to bed at the same time which, for some reason I feel is important for us. No idea why though!

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 09/01/2020 13:43

should be able to? If he can't, he can't. I wouldn't be able to.

Lostmyunicorn · 09/01/2020 13:43

I’m really interested that a lot of PP seem to think that the need to fall asleep in total darkness is somehow more ‘reasonable’ than the need to read to fall asleep. Hence all the ‘read elsewhere’ comments which really miss the point. The key thing is that you have very different ways of getting to sleep. I agree with mrsm43s that his method of going to sleep doesn’t trump yours. In your position I’d wait to go to bed once he is asleep and read on a kindle. In our house I go to bed first and am usually asleep (having read on my kindle) before my DH comes up.
To those asking about kindle light, it’s really not like a light at all, not at all like a book light or head torch. I have mine very low and can read fine but it doesn’t emit any light outwards IYSWIM.

Drum2018 · 09/01/2020 13:44

I also have a kindle and have a cover on it so I can close the front over a bit so the light isn't too bright. While Dh never complains about the bedside light, I still think it's basic consideration to him that I shouldn't leave my bedside lamp on while he tries to sleep.

MulticolourMophead · 09/01/2020 13:45

If I were reading in the living room until I was sleepy, and then went to bed, I'd be wide awake again. I need about half an hour reading in bed, so I can just turn the light off when I'm ready.

I also need it black to sleep, so I wear an eye mask, as my ex would carry on reading long after I was ready to sleep.

dottiedodah · 09/01/2020 13:47

I think YABU really .Its not just the light ,but if you are sitting up to read then that probably makes him uncomfortable too! Can you not go up to bed about 10 10 30 ?.That still gives you lots of time to enjoy your book and lights off by 11 pm ,is reasonable to me (asleep before then half the time anyway!)

53rdWay · 09/01/2020 13:48

We have a similar issue with DH needing dark to sleep and me needing to read to sleep, and a Kindle has been really useful. Much less bright than even a phone.

I do agree with the people saying that one person's way of getting to sleep shouldn't trump the other's and you both need to find a compromise.

Original poster
DataColour · 09/01/2020 13:51

he puts his needs first and you're expected to tow the line

That's kind of correct. He has little tolerance for people who don't live life as he does and does not see the other's point of view. He has not being going to work recently as he is on gardening leave. So it's not like he has to be in tip top condition for work the next day. Whereas I work full time. He has been cooking some dinners and a lot of DIY (makes him even more tired and sleepy), picking up the kids from school, cycling, running etc etc.

All this came to a head today because he went to donate blood and for the second time he was told that his iron levels were too low (he has been donating blood regularly for years now) and asked him whether he has had any lifestyle changes, sleeping properly etc, whereby he told them about me keeping him awake at night with my reading (happens about twice a week on average I'd say - so not even everyday)!

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 13:53

I don't understand why you can't read in the living room until you're ready to sleep.

If I do this, I wake up fully in the process of getting up and going to bed, so it just doesn't work. I need to read till I'm sleepy, and then quickly turn off the light/Kindle or whatever and go to sleep.

People say that the needs of the sleeper trump the needs of the reader, but how does that work if you need to read in order to be able to sleep?

Original poster
DataColour · 09/01/2020 13:54

ButI am willing to concede that I am being unreasonable, and that just because i can sleep with a bedside light on, DH can't, and I'm being unfair on him.

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 13:55

I'm quite bemused by all the people who need total darkness to sleep. How do you manage in houses or hotels on roads with streetlamps? How do you manage when it starts getting light at 4 am?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 13:56

When my iron levels are low they tell me to eat more greens, not make sure I'm sleeping properly.
I didn't know it was related to sleep...

Whether he likes this his way in normal day to day life isn't relevant though. You don't mess around with people's sleep. It's not fair.

Amaretto · 09/01/2020 13:56

If he has aenemia, he needs iron tablets from his GP. Sleeping more isnt the answer (but he might be using that as excuse to ask you to switch your light off).

So your issue isnt the light itself. Its the fact you feel everything has to be his own way. You need to tackle that one rather than just the light issue.

Drabarni · 09/01/2020 13:57

YABU, it's not a case of he should be able to, he obviously can't.
I can't either, although the loo light being left on doesn't affect me.
You need to stop by 11pm or go elsewhere.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 13:57

@Equanimitas once I'm asleep it's fine so the 4am sunshine doesn't matter.

If I'm in a hotel with shit curtains I'll put my head under the blanket

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 13:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP. I suspect that the reality is that he could sleep perfectly well if you read something like a Kindle; if the phone light bothers him, can't he just turn over? My sympathy for him reduced considerably on hearing that he was whinging about this at the blood donation clinic despite the fact that he's on gardening leave and could easily sleep during the day if it bothered him that much.

Butchyrestingface · 09/01/2020 13:58

I'd divorce you. But I am sympathetic to your need to read before sleeping as I feel the same so I suggest separate bedrooms.

Why is he on gardening leave?

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 13:59

You don't mess around with people's sleep. It's not fair.

But that goes both ways. Why is it fairer for OP to be put in a position where she will find it more difficult to get to sleep because she can't spend half an hour reading?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 14:03

@Equanimitas because she can read elsewhere. She also said she only does it a couple of times a week so doesn't actually need it to fall asleep.

KeepLosingThings · 09/01/2020 14:07

YABU.

My dh does this to me sometimes. Even just his phone light keeps me awake. Despite me being shattered from 2 young kids who are up in the night.

I do have an eye mask which sometimes helps but is not that comfy. Get him to try an eye mask but if he doesn't like that go somewhere else.

You could get a spare duvet and pillow and tuck yourself up on the sofa so it still feels cosy and relaxing.

Does he have blue eyes by the way? I've read that blue eyes are much more sensitive to light than brown eyes which I think is why dh doesn't get how annoying it is for me!

Mandarinfish · 09/01/2020 14:08

He sounds a bit inflexible.

Vanhi · 09/01/2020 14:10

AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on? If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on

If everyone could automatically sleep when tired, no matter what the conditions, there'd be no such thing as insomnia. There's no 'should' about it. You're not going to be able to make him sleep just by telling him that he should be fine with it.

He needs darkness and quiet to sleep. You need to read in bed to sleep. You are going to have to find a way to compromise on this. However, since he's on gardening leave and you're working full time, I'd say your need for sleep actually trumps his at the moment.

This article sleep.mysplus.com/library/category2/article1.html is interesting on how modern lighting has adversely affected the way most of us sleep.

Weepingwillow123 · 09/01/2020 14:11

I couldn’t sleep either - I think a need to sleep is more important than a need to read really - let him sleep - stay downstairs if need be

Mandarinfish · 09/01/2020 14:16

But it's not just a need to read - it helps OP drop off to sleep, so it's more similar to DH's need than it may first seem.

Mandarinfish · 09/01/2020 14:16

He needs darkness and quiet to sleep. You need to read in bed to sleep. You are going to have to find a way to compromise on this. However, since he's on gardening leave and you're working full time, I'd say your need for sleep actually trumps his at the moment

This.