to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

[DataColour]

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

Errm. How much time have you spent in the natural environment? I live rurally in somewhere with very little light pollution.

Stars? Moon? Sun coming up early in summer?

His need for sleep really trumps your need to read.

Does it? On the one had we have a person who insists on lights out by 11 although currently he doesn't have to get up in the morning. On the other hand, we have a person who is working full time and likes to wind down before bed by reading for a bit on only two nights a week. Is it really that unreasonable for him to be expected to give way for a short time on two out of seven nights? Who knows, if he relaxed about it he might even find himself dozing off anyway.

Mine can sleep through daylight, lounge light and tv on but insists on complete darkness when he goes to bed. Even with my kindle turned away from him and him facing the other way, it still pisses him off!

My husband can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, but still moans like yours, OP! Me... well I can sleep with all the lights and the telly on. Ask him to at least try a sleep mask. I will suggest one to mine, too. Along with earplugs.

@Equanimitas how much light do you think stars give off?

This is why my husband got me a kindle years ago. He was terrible for any kind of light. Now he can mostly sleep with with my kindle screen light.
I read to sleep too.

2 suggestions:

Would you just put your pillow the other end of the bed then your book light won’t disturb him? Or, suggest your husband does.

Offer to trade the 5 nights of 30mins evening reading for the 2.5hrs in bed at the weekend he currently enjoys. I suspect this will focus his mind on sleeping better with a small light on.

It’s incredibly disingenuous to blame your Half hour of reading for his iron levels. That just cannot be the case. If he was really so tired that the exhaustion was affecting his health he would be napping in the day and reassessing whether his exercise regime is too demanding.

xx

Why cant you read in another room? You are so inconsiderate!!

Stars? Moon? Sun coming up early in summer?

The stars barely give off any light at all and normal curtains will block out light from the moon.

It's only in the last 100 years or so that the entire population has stopped rising with the sun - people used to work around daylight hours. Long days in summer and much shorter ones in winter. The sun rising at 4/5am in summer just signified that was time to get up.

If you're lucky enough to be able to sleep through the sun coming up then count yourself lucky. I personally struggle massively with my sleep in the summer months - I've had to buy very expensive blackout blinds but the the room often ends up hot and stuffy.

Even now the streetlights outside would disturb me if we didn't have blackout blinds up.

Read..leave the light on..live your best life...he is being a complete knob

No, OP is being selfish by deliberately choosing to do something that she knows will disrupt his sleep.

Bedrooms are for sleeping and sex. If you want to read for hours then do it in another room, or get separate bedrooms.

Equanamitus, working op could go to bed earlier. Then everyones happy.

GiveHerHell, enough light for there not to be absolute darkness on a clear night.

Why cant you read in another room?

Why can't you RTFT? This has been answered several times by a number of people.

The stars barely give off any light at all and normal curtains will block out light from the moon.

I raised this in the context of people who say they can only sleep in absolute darkness, and queried on the basis that you don't have guaranteed darkness at nighttime in nature so normally our physiques could be expected to cope with a degree of light at nighttime. Therefore the issue of curtains is irrelevant.

Equanamitas, working op could go to bed earlier. Then everyones happy.

She's explained why she doesn't always want to. FFS, she's going along with her DH five nights a week. Given that he doesn't have to get up in the mornings, would it be so dreadful to let her use whatever means of winding down suits her for two nights a week?

I’d be divorced by now if my husband was that selfish. I like dark to sleep. No standby lights, blackout curtains, quiet. Good evidence that artificial light stops you sleeping. Artificial light disrupts the body's circadian rhythm. The page turning and fidgeting would irritate me too.

Luckily my husband goes to sleep before me generally as he gets up earlier.

Read downstairs or go up half hour earlier to read.

You do have to wonder, though, why so many people require absolute darkness when it's not as if that is something that is available in the natural environment

I wonder more about people who need to read to drop off to sleep really, it’s not like early humans were hunkering down with the chick lit.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to read in bed. I always read until I fall asleep, cosy in bed.

If it’s in the middle of the night I use my kindle.

I have some sympathy with you but my ex was like you and it drove me mad. I can’t sleep if there’s light and activity going on around me, even if it’s just reading. He used to get so pissed off with me because he’d want to read or use the laptop with the light on and I’d be lying there next to him trying to sleep and feeling more and more wound up that I couldn’t.

I’m now with a partner who himself can sleep through anything and will happily roll over while I’m reading or watching TV and fall asleep, no complaints. In fact he quite likes the background noise to fall asleep to. But he understands I’m not the same and that sleep trumps entertainment in the bedroom, so if I say I’m going to sleep now he’ll happily switch off the lights and the TV and let me sleep.

I read every night, i just love reading in bed but Husband cant sleep with the lamp on so i go to bed before him to read, its a simple solution so why dont you try it

Offer to trade the 5 nights of 30mins evening reading for the 2.5 hours in bed at the weekend he currently enjoys

This is the best suggestion yet!

Get a kindle or read elsewhere

I do the same low and lucky. V simple solution

I can't. My husband comes to bed after me and will use a torch to see his way, even that wakes me! It's a constant row between us.
I could and probably should get an eye mask tbf 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU - I think your DH is being selfish. My DH puts his pillow over his head because I watch TV in bed to help me sleep (because of the light). My compromise is to turn the sound off and just have subtitles. Marriage should be compromise on both sides in an ideal world.
Plus I think your DH should help more so that you also get enough sleep and time to yourself.