to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

[DataColour]

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

Im the same as him, cannot have any light in the room or i cant sleep. Not even the light from partners tablet. I think 11pm is reasonable to have everythjng turned off

I have ME and sleep a LOT. I can’t sleep with the lights on and often go to bed by 8. You are my worst nightmare of a partner!

I'm a chronic insomniac and the light from the hall through the crack in the door keeps me awake. I can see the glow from dh's phone through my eyelids (slight exaggeration, obvs)

No matter how tired I am I could never sleep with the light on, and it would make me so angry I'd be awake for hours mithering about it

I do have an eye mask though.

I sympathise OP, my dh is like this and when dc were young I was desperate to read in bed.

I gave in as he complained about me rustling pages etc

This is so personal though. Are you saying he is lying and making up the fact he can't sleep with the light on? Everyone is different with these things.

I hated eye masks to start with but I wouldn't be without mine now. I also feel naked without it. We have recently got black our blinds and whilst it is really dark I find it quite comforting having my eye mask on. I was listening to some hypnosis audio and the mask I have also has tiny speakers in which connect to your phone so you can listen to it while you drift off. Perfect for an audio book too..although I kept having to listen to the same chapters a few times after falling asleep! My DH is often working late in our office so I can pop that on, leave his bedside light on and I don't get disturbed then

My dh finds it hard to go to sleep with my light on, too, and I usually read for much longer than he does before nodding off.
This is where a Kindle is brilliant, IMO. I use mine a lot for this reason.

I need about half an hour reading in bed, so I can just turn the light off when I'm ready.

Exactly. This is why reading elsewhere is not viable if it helps you sleep.

The real solution is to either go to bed earlier or, better, sleep elsewhere. Having your own bedroom is ideal for this scenario, or I often sleep on the sofa as I like to watch tv falling asleep sometimes and then move to bed in the middle of the night.

The impact on our circadian rhythms probably isn't going to be shifted dramatically in the 4 or 5 generations since we invented electric light and messed up our sleep.

You’d be wrong. 200+ years ago it was standard to sleep twice per day, you’d go to sleep when it got dark, wake for a couple of hours in the night to do low level stuff, then sleep again. This natural cycle has been pretty much wiped out. Google for “ Humans Used to Sleep in Two Shifts”

So weird - I could practically have written your post. Except that I have the added irk that my DH likes to go to sleep with radio on that often I can’t help actively listening to instead of sleeping, and yet my micro light is a huge bother to him.

I feel exactly the same - if I’m tired, closing my eyes shuts out plenty sufficient light to enable me to sleep.

I cannot believe how many people think you are being unreasonable .

Couldn’t you go to bed earlier ? His need for sleep really trumps your need to read.

Mine has the cheek to fall asleep in front of the telly but can’t sleep with a bedside light on while I read in silence

Busybarbara

That's not mutually exclusive with humans being innately wired to sleep when it's dark. It's a cultural practice to deal with the fact that there can be 12+ hours of darkness and you only need prob 8 or 9 of sleep.

Also i thought that had been kind of debunked and wasn't by any means universal. Do indigenous groups with no electricity sleep in two chunks?

Go and read in the bath.

YABU

I totally sympathise with you, OP. I absolutely cannot sleep without reading. I literally read until I fall asleep - often the book hits me in the face and that prompts me to switch the light out.

You can’t just say “read on the sofa before you go to bed.” It doesn’t work like that - by the time I’ve got up off the sofa, gone upstairs, gone to the loo etc I’m wide awake again.

Maybe you need to sleep in separate rooms? It is difficult when your sleeping habits are totally incompatible.

I'm flabbergasted by the responses on this thread and how many people claim they can only sleep in pitch darkness and/or silence. Really? Do you all live in the depths of the countryside?

I'm currently sitting in my kids' bedroom which has a small nightlight. Light enough to read to them, pitch dark when I close my eyes. OP I think he needs to meet you halfway if you can't agree on a suitably gentle light. An eye mask is a good solution. Or audiobooks (but I would fall asleep and lose my place).

Your later posts suggest that it isn't about his need for darkness, but his need for control. That's him being very unreasonable.

Actually scrap what I said earlier, forget the reading...put the book down...forget about going into another room...just have some "rumpy pumpy" with him and then you will both be happy and be worn out for sleep lol....well that's what we do when we get into bed...unless he's up for 3/4am for work then I do stay down stairs until I'm tired (I cant sleep at 9pm). Maybe like you said earlier you might want to try and prioritise some more down time earlier..we work, have 2 kids and a house to run but we always try to make sure from 7.30 onwards we have us time or some me time before we go snuggle up on the sofa or in bed...then we both get to rest

Have you tried earplugs?

Then you won't be able to hear him telling you what to do and whining at you.

I used to read downstairs then he moaned that I woke him up when I came to bed

I agree with your dh. I’ve just spent a few nights at my parents and found it hard to sleep. They have glass above the bedroom doors and keep the landing light tv on. I can only go to sleep in pitch black.

And this is one reason why it's so nice to have separate bedrooms

He has said he’s tired- let him sleep. It’s about caring for his well being in my view.

Read..leave the light on..live your best life...he is being a complete knob