to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

[DataColour]

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

Same here, although I probably won't as he will be confused as to why it is worthy of such high praise.

That's because it's not worthy of anything. The fact that he can sleep through you having the light on next to him is just luck on your part.

Can he fall asleep on the sofa in full sunlight when you ask him to watch the kids?

Yabu I cant sleep in anything other than pitch black.you could go downstairs and read.

I agree with him sorry.

Stay downstairs until you are ready to sleep.

My first reaction is he should get over himself, light doesn't bother me and I can sleep with bright lights but, the big but, I can't sleep if there is any noise so I do actually understand how annoying it can be when you just want to sleep and someone else just wants to read/listen to the radio or whatever.

Separate bedrooms is the answer, oh the bliss of a quiet room, being able to stretch out and you can read/watch tv/eat crisps or whatever you like.

He needs to get proper treatment for his iron deficiency. Sleep is great but what he needs is actual, you know, iron. Is he sorting that out?

Not sure if already been suggested but a kindle paper white with the backlight is a brilliant option.

As someone who can be absolutely exhausted but unable to sleep if there's light/sounds/wrong temperature/basically almost anything wrong, I'm afraid you are BU, sorry.

This is a minefield OP. Many of us read ourselves to sleep or listen to the radio. I've known lots of partners go to separate bedrooms because of snoring. I love reading and have speech radio on all night but hate light at night. Agree with kindle, headphones, masks for those who can take them. But also talking with your husband about possible solutions and why, when he's on gardening leave, he can sleep in to 10.

11 is already quite late though. I could understand if he was asking you to turn it off at 9.

DH falls asleep within minutes. It takes me an hour at the least, often longer. And that's with a dark, quiet room.

'Does he have blue eyes by the way? I've read that blue eyes are much more sensitive to light than brown eyes which I think is why dh doesn't get how annoying it is for me!'

I have blue eyes and I sleep with a light on!

Not a solution to the issue, but would audio books be a helpful tool sometimes instead of enforced sleep?

You do have to wonder, though, why so many people require absolute darkness when it's not as if that is something that is available in the natural environment, and when at some times of the year there is only around 6 hours of darkness or less per day. Is it a learned thing which they could perhaps work on compromising on?

Advice for the bedroom is "totally dark" and for nothing else but sleep and sex!

@DataColour

why so many people require absolute darkness when it's not as if that is something that is available in the natural environment

Errm. How much time have you spent in the natural environment? I live rurally in somewhere with very little light pollution. After sunset, particularly in the darker phases of the moon, you can't see your hand in front of your face. People living further away from the equator, where daylight is more variable in length across the seasons, would sleep a lot more in winter and a lot less in summer. Honestly, take out artificial light and there's naff all you can do once it's dark so you might as well save energy and sleep 16 hours a day. Then come May/ June? July, when you're waking at 5am, you've got a good bank of sleep behind you.

I would see bed-partner "reading in bed" as 100% rejection!

@DataColour

YABU..light drives circadian rhythms. Phone tablet light in particular tends to be blue & very much keeps you awake.

Read downstairs and let him sleep.

You do have to wonder, though, why so many people require absolute darkness when it's not as if that is something that is available in the natural environment

Um, I live rurally and the sky here is pitch black overnight. If you went back before the time of street lights and cars, it certainly would be black from when the sun set, to the time it rose again.

People often slept less in summer because they used the daylight hours available to farm and work. In Winter, work would start later and finish earlier because, before electricity, it was near impossible to work after dark. Burning candles for light was expensive!

equanimitas

We evolves over millions of years much living primarily near the equator where the number of daylight hours is pretty consistent year round. The impact on our circadian rhythms probably isn't going to be shifted dramatically in the 4 or 5 generations since we invented electric light and messed up our sleep.

I's struggle with a bedside light on and I think a bright phone light is probably even worse.

If reading later I think you should probably do it in the living room -take blanket and snuggle on the sofa. Or buy a Kindle with a light - that gives off a very different light.

That's what I have as i like to read much later than dh. DH can't tell when I am reading with my Kindle at all - there just isn't anywhere near enough light to affect him.

I have to read in bed too, but because of this I only read books on the kindle app and have the screen turned down to the lowest brightness and have it black with white text to reduce the glare as much as possible for dh.

I read my phone/kindle under the covers if I want to hide the light. Or if my dh has the light on I pull the duvet over my eyes till he turns it off. What about a compromise of a dim phone just till 11.30? Or agree one or two nights a week for your book light and switch it off the other days. It does sound like he's being quite inflexible if it must be darkness every night at the time of his choosing.

YABU

Bedrooms are Primarily for sleeping. So the person wanting to use it to sleep has priority over the person wanting to use it to read.

Funny that this should come up today because I am just about to have a serious chat with my DH about sleep.

I listened to a podcast today -- Matthew Walker talking for over an hour about the science on sleep. It was one of the most sobering things I have ever heard and I've only just scratched the surface. At one point I felt very overwhelmed and almost tearful thinking about our habits and the implications for our future health. Especially the challenging prospect of getting DH to take note.

On the basis of science, I'm afraid YABU - spectacularly so.

Those wondering about if you can get used to eye masks or not - when I first started wearing one I found it really uncomfortable but I did eventually get used to it. Can't sleep without it now, my face feels naked!
Didn't like the normal black ones though, got a thick fluffy one in Flying Tiger and it was much better.