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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend shoplifts. Wwyd?

173 replies

recklessruby · 09/01/2020 10:57

My friend is 40 and works part time at our local school. I also work there and we need to have clean criminal records (DBS check every few years).
Recently she has been coming into work with small things like cakes and chocolates which she happily says she stole from a local supermarket. She brags about how easy it is to do. It s like it makes her so happy to get this stuff for free even though her salary is not bad and she has savings. She admits she can afford it.
I m getting really worried that her luck is going to run out and she will be caught but she wont listen and says she knows where all the cameras are!
I m not going to report her or anything, she s a good friend but wwyd ?

OP posts:
mencken · 09/01/2020 12:54

tell her that she is nasty filth. Some friend.

and watch your possessions. Spread the word around your colleagues too that there is a thief in the workplace.

JKScot4 · 09/01/2020 12:56

It’s the showing you and boasting that’s odd, does she think you’ll be impressed?
Have you actually said anything?
Some bigger stores watch and build up
evidence, she’ll be stopped a day and confronted with the numerous offences.

BlaueLagune · 09/01/2020 13:02

tell her that she is nasty filth

Because that's really going to help!

I think the friend is taking very silly risks. If she is caught and gets cautioned and not prosecuted, that's enough to stop her working in a school because cautions show up on enhanced DBS checks. I think you need to tell her in words of one syllable of the stupid risks she is taking, but beyond that, there's little you can do.

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre · 09/01/2020 13:04

Is it possible that she is actually paying for these things and just telling you that she stole them? It seems like she enjoys attention and that would be a way of getting it without actually breaking the law.

Lunde · 09/01/2020 13:04

One of my Uni housemates did this - no idea why. It was really bizarre - she used to steal "trinkets" from restaurants and bars - unusual glasses, bud vases, ashtrays (she didn't smoke), rice bowls and china spoons etc. She didn't even use them but kept them in a drawer,

UYScuti · 09/01/2020 13:05

She's making you complicit in her crimes
She might be shiny and fun to be with but I would beware of her trying to sparkle you into doing things that you wouldn't normally do

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2020 13:08

@recklessruby I appreciate you are trying to help her and get her to stop.

Have you actually sat her down and given her a bit of tough love?

"Look, I know you think this is fun and exciting, but it's theft. If you get caught, you will be prosecuted and lose your job. How much fun is that going to be? You're also acting like a twat and I'm embarrassed for you."

Would that have any effect?

Other than that, you'll just have to wash your hands and let her deal with the consequences.

BoswellSolver · 09/01/2020 13:08

Woah....nasty filth!? That's waaaay too harsh. If she stole from the op, then yeah maybe....but shoplifting cakes from a supermarket? Stupid, yes. Nasty filth!? No.

Beautiful3 · 09/01/2020 13:08

Never leave your handbag unattended nor go shopping with her. If she brings in stolen cakes again then say, "that's awful, fancy stealing at your age, especially when you can afford it".

SidesofFeet · 09/01/2020 13:12

Don’t go shopping with her. Ever.

Straycatstrut · 09/01/2020 13:13

I've known a lot of people do this after something traumatic happening to them. Maybe it's the distraction, focus and thrill of it. Maybe it's their way of "hitting back at society", like turning bad boy/bad girl "don't give a shit anymore" attitude. They'll steal stuff they don't even want.

She needs help, not abuse. You need to sit with her and make her aware of everything she's on the brink of chucking away. It's all you can do - but it's like an addiction, she has to WANT to stop.

Straycatstrut · 09/01/2020 13:15

Is it possible that she is actually paying for these things and just telling you that she stole them? It seems like she enjoys attention and that would be a way of getting it without actually breaking the law.

My brain likes this theory Smile

thatdamnwoman · 09/01/2020 13:16

Back in the 90s I used to work with someone who is now famous and regularly on TV and has a famous partner. She used to steal fancy bras and underwear from Oxford Street stores in her lunch hour, then come back and show them to me and other colleagues. Got arsy when I objected. Shoplifting was cool and I was uncool for objecting. She had enough money to buy them if she'd wanted to, so it was all for kicks. I still don't approve!

Topseyt · 09/01/2020 13:17

I'd actually start keeping more distance from her. I'd certainly never go shopping with her.

I wouldn't want to publicly call her a friend because I wouldn't want to end up tarred with the same brush. I'd be wary of it. If she asked why I was being more distant I would quietly tell her why, and add that I thought she needed professional help.

This isn't just about her. It affects the shopkeepers' lives and businesses.

user1477391263 · 09/01/2020 13:19

Who knows if she is telling the truth? But if she is, then every time everyone just nods and smiles in response to one of her shoplifting boasts, it's enabling this habit--your responses and those of everyone around her are telling her that this is normal and OK. I don't mean to say that in a scolding way. I can imagine how shocking this is, and how socially awkward it feels to point this out.

Have you tried saying to her something like "Have you thought about this? Stealing isn't normal and you could get yourself into a lot of trouble. Are you having some personal issues in your life or are you under a lot of stress at the moment?"

drogon1 · 09/01/2020 13:23

Is this a reverse? Weird how you mention needing to have a DBS check and a clean record..

CassidyStone · 09/01/2020 13:24

She will get caught, all prolific thieves do eventually. She's probably nicking other stuff from other people too. I would back off, no-one needs a thief as a friend.

When she gets a conviction for theft, her employment opportunities will be severely limited - has she no insight into how this will impact on her life? Not to mention the sheer embarrassment of being prosecuted for stealing and the possibility of being headline news in the local newspaper? An admin worker at a local nursing home got caught shoplifting clothes from M&S (she was caught the second time she went back to return stolen clothes for cash, recognised from a previous visit captured on CCTV) and the local paper went to town on her.

Lougle · 09/01/2020 13:28

I think she's just spinning you a yarn. I bet she's not really stealing and just enjoys your reaction.

UYScuti · 09/01/2020 13:29

I don't know if all thieves get caught but you would think that anyone who goes around bragging about it isn't going to do very well in the long run

ilovesooty · 09/01/2020 13:29

@drogon1 why would yhe mention of that make this s reverse?

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 13:29

I think even if she gets caught stealing low value items then they won't bother to prosecute her, I remember reading about small businesses being upset they would not bother with shoplifting under £200

I may be wrong, but I have a feeling that the big chains run their own private prosecutions and will prosecute for small thefts.

OP, I'd be tempted to send the manager a photograph of her and suggest they keep an eye on her.

UYScuti · 09/01/2020 13:30

She's trying to normalise stealing, it's all very boundary pushing isn't it

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 13:30

Is this a reverse? Weird how you mention needing to have a DBS check and a clean record.

Why? It's obviously highly relevant.

ilovesooty · 09/01/2020 13:34

If you want to intervene tell her she'll be caught and sacked and you want no association with it. You can't be responsible for her choices though.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/01/2020 13:35

It's usually making up for an emotional need and shop staff may well be aware. All you should do is say 'stealing makes me think less of a nice person please take it back and get yourself some counselling to help you understand why you are taking such a big risk'.

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