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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend shoplifts. Wwyd?

173 replies

recklessruby · 09/01/2020 10:57

My friend is 40 and works part time at our local school. I also work there and we need to have clean criminal records (DBS check every few years).
Recently she has been coming into work with small things like cakes and chocolates which she happily says she stole from a local supermarket. She brags about how easy it is to do. It s like it makes her so happy to get this stuff for free even though her salary is not bad and she has savings. She admits she can afford it.
I m getting really worried that her luck is going to run out and she will be caught but she wont listen and says she knows where all the cameras are!
I m not going to report her or anything, she s a good friend but wwyd ?

OP posts:

70skidsarebest · 09/01/2020 11:40

we have a friend that is like this, but its stuff like expensive coats from Costco they steal or Expensive plants and garden items from a posh garden centre, they are well off but do it because they can and haven't been caught.. Crazy as if they do, their comfortable lifes and jobs will be over in a heartbeat

Original poster

recklessruby · 09/01/2020 11:40

It doesn't make a difference but it s a branch of a well known supermarket and she doesnt share the food. She s quite precious about it.
The last time I had a friend who did it was when I was 16. She did it for the thrill every lunchtime and did get caught.

OP posts:

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 09/01/2020 11:47

Why do you say you are worried her luck is going to run out? Surely you should be asking her why she thinks it is acceptable to take something that doesn't belong to her?

purpleme12 · 09/01/2020 11:48

Is consider the possibility she's just lying for attention actually. But I agree with the people who say just don't give her attention. Ignore her when she talks about it, don't get drawn into a conversation about this. She must just want the attention

DotBall · 09/01/2020 11:50

Has she told you in a way that she might actually be asking for help? Or is she showing off? Depending on how you feel about this would depend on how I’d react in your position.

Cry for help - sit her down possibly outside of work and talk through why she’s started doing it and support her with getting help to stop.

Showing off - I’d tell her either face to face or text that I disapproved of her thieving/boasting and that her dishonesty was a dealbreaker as far as friendships go.

PollyPelargonium52 · 09/01/2020 11:52

That would just put met totally off the friend. Especially if she can afford not to and has savings.

Really uncalled for and offputting. At her age she should be getting her 'thrills' via more productive channels.

Original poster

recklessruby · 09/01/2020 11:54

I m worried as she will lose her job and then will be in financial trouble and unemployable in any decent job.
As the shop is quite close to our school I could maybe call and say they need to be on the watch for thieves as we think there have been incidents involving people from our school? It doesn't target her specifically but will give them the heads up to watch out for regulars around that time of day.

OP posts:

Gingerkittykat · 09/01/2020 11:54

I think even if she gets caught stealing low value items then they won't bother to prosecute her, I remember reading about small businesses being upset they would not bother with shoplifting under £200.

It is of course possible she is stealing items too.

I would personally stay out of it, she knows the potential consequences of her behaviour so let her make the choices.

Frothybothie · 09/01/2020 11:55

do your dc go to the school?
Are you happy even if they do not that she is presumably close to school money, information which if she is caught, not by the police but by someone who would blackmail her (I'lll report you if you dont give me.....)

Original poster

recklessruby · 09/01/2020 11:55

Oh and she has lied in the past. She invented a relationship with someone random on Facebook.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2020 11:57

I'm worried as she will lose her job and then will be in financial trouble and unemployable in any decent job

But this is her decision, not yours. And not your responsibility. If she's a functioning adult, this is entirely her choice and HER responsibility.

I would distance myself as far as possible from her to be honest.

I could maybe call and say they need to be on the watch for thieves

Hang on, so on the one hand you don't want her to get caught and are worried about the consequences. And in the next post, you want to shop her/set her up to get caught?

Original poster

recklessruby · 09/01/2020 11:57

@frothy no they are grown up now but one works in retail so I do get the other side too.

OP posts:

BoswellSolver · 09/01/2020 11:57

Well......it sounds very much like she is addicted to the 'sport' of it. I kind of get it, I have a 'sport', but mine is totally legal.
Maybe she just needs a nudge into a new 'sporting' activity?? Maybe collecting vouchers?? That's pretty addictive.

purpleme12 · 09/01/2020 11:58

If she's lied the past it makes it more likely she's lying now

firstimemamma · 09/01/2020 11:58

Remember op you are not obliged to continue the friendship! A stealing addiction and the weird face book thing... I'd be keeping a distance in your shoes.

Gonetoget · 09/01/2020 11:59

Maybe tell her then that the supermarket you've heard supermarket is upping security (blame it on kids) so she'd better be careful.
If you've also exhausted other avenues, for e.g. talking to her - asking her why she's doing it, saying its foolish etc. I would make a point of moving my purse, phone etc out of her way when she is around, so she notices. She's probably not making the connection between stealing from shops and stealing in general.

lovemenorca · 09/01/2020 11:59

What is very odd - is her telling colleagues!

Gonetoget · 09/01/2020 12:00

'tell her that you've heard the supermarket is upping their security'

Original poster

recklessruby · 09/01/2020 12:01

@greenfingers I just want her to stop. If the shop tell the school they have had a tip off there will be an assembly (even though it may or may not involve the kids) and she might get the message.
It s like a game to her

OP posts:

lovemenorca · 09/01/2020 12:02

* PS: I know of one small shopkeeper who cottoned on to a person who would steal sweets, perfectly well off and what they did was cellotape all the sweets together and when next time she did it ... they all concertina'd and made a noise and everyone saw ... she turned and walked out, saying nothing. Maybe you should let the shop know.*

Just me or does this make no sense whatsoever

scoobydoo1971 · 09/01/2020 12:06

It is her life and her responsibility. If she gets caught and action is taken then her job will go. It could be that she lies about the theft to get attention. All you can do is watch your personal possessions and never put yourself in a position in the workplace where you could be blamed for her behaviour. For example, workplace stealing accusations where you work together. Shops have sophisticated methods of detecting theft these days, so chances are that she will get caught one day if she really does this.

Ferretyone · 09/01/2020 12:08

@IfThingsComeInThreesWhyThisNow

FishCanFly · 09/01/2020 12:11

Kleptomania is a mental health issue. i'm not sure if its within your powers to help it. Just do not go shopping with her because you'll be done as an accomplice. And ask her nicely not to bring you any stolen crap.

didofido · 09/01/2020 12:11

It's quite widely known that many women approaching middle-age/menopause take to shop-lifting,. Might even be a "syndrome". The general belief is, it's for the excitement missing in their lives - in some way it is "winning" when society seems to have written you off.

Usually lasts a couple of years (unless she is caught ) and then given up.

redbullgivesyouflings · 09/01/2020 12:11

I m worried as she will lose her job and then will be in financial trouble and unemployable in any decent job.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you can't protect everyone from the consequences of their own wrongdoings. If you genuinely see her as a good friend, talk to her, try to find out why and try to see if you can push her into the direction of getting the help she needs. If she refuses and still gets caught eventually, at least you know you've tried your best as a friend.

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