Being asked to make meals for new mums

[Paquitalaflor]

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

@JosefKeller your friends. Not random people you don't know.

FWIW, I could have done with a bit of help when my dcs were babies, but I don't think a meal would have done the job. I think people who really are in need of help need people to come round and hold the baby for half an hour while you get a shower, or come round and clean the bathroom for you. But who gets that from anyone outside immediate family? And if someone with a ft job and family of their own offered to come round and clean my bathroom, I'd have said no, you have enough on your plate, like most people.

Just say no but no need to be so judgemental. You did it. Good on you. Other women might not have your mean (to order for things to be delivered), the know-how or the energy.

This has made me remember when DS was a tiny newborn, I had a long labour ending in an EMCS, got discharged 24 hours after being seen up etc. DH wasn't entitled to paternity leave so was doing 12 hour shifts with a half hour commute.

I was gooned, he was gooned. My dad dropped us some home made pizza off and DH put them in the oven, then served them, with the cling film now shrink wrapped on to tj cooked pizza

Just leave the group. I actually think it's a lovely idea. A few friends promised to drop off meals and never did. I wouldn't expect it but It would have helped a lot.

They do this where one of my friends
lives. It's an opt in service, you get to tick a list of meals you'd enjoy and can state any allergies etc. They also do things like take older children to school or nursery, take Mums who can't drive after a C-section to baby groups or appointments as well as meals and lifts for elderly people or anyone in the community who needs a bit of help.

I think it's a really lovely thing to do. The meals my friend had varied from a shop bought pizza and a bag of salad to a full roast dinner.

I can understand people not being interested in helping or receiving but there's no need to sneer or be bitter about it.

Onlyfools

It's the opposite of misogynistic, the women rule.
We feel misogynistic is expecting women to work and run the house on their own. While men just get to work, hobby at weekend and leave the women to everything.
We still work if we want to, mostly pt, but we care for all our family, elders too.

don’t underestimate the importance of a clean pair of knickers if only when I had a newborn a whatsapp group of strangers had bought me round a clean pair

Drabarni do the women get a choice as to whether they take on the house or go to work?

This is why I’m glad I live in London. I don’t even know my next door neighbours name.

We feel misogynistic is expecting women to work and run the house on their own. While men just get to work, hobby at weekend and leave the women to everything.

I agree that’s misogynistic, too. But is there any reason men get an automatic pass out of housework and childcare?

I never understand this "I can't make food I've had a baby" thing. Men get 2 weeks off, yet people still want to be served even though there are 2 adults right there, only 1 has actually given birth! No one ever bought us food, I don't really know why they'd need to, even breast feeding around the clock I could still make something to eat, granted it wasn't a 4 course freshly prepared meal but still. It's actually harder to cook with 2 toddlers on the loose than a newborn, no one brings us food parcels though unfortunately.

I had a clingy baby and found it difficult to cook in the initial stage. My iron was at transfusion level and had a third degree tear so it really wasnt just the cooking but the organisation of planning what to have/making meals/getting out the house to shops/ remembering to order. We relied on takeaways a lot for the newborn period. And they make you feel crap, you are already feeling pretty down about your body and really need good home cooked food.
I didnt have much family support and DH went back to work at 2 weeks. We didnt have a big freezer so batch cooking wasnt an option. Thankfully we were given 2 weeks from our church when DS was about a month old once my MIL returned abroad. It gave me a reason to get out of pjs and some lovely ladies came round and held the baby for an hour or so and chatted to me. Some were friends (one cooked and stayed for dinner then did all the dishes!) But others I didnt know that well but thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them. The lady who organises it would be quite hygiene conscious and asked about allergies/preferences. Of course we could have managed on our own but it was a really lovely gift to be offered.

One of the best presents I received when my DS1 was born was from an older lady who had only moved to our street a fortnight before - she brought round a Waitrose meal deal, which was really thoughtful. If you can't cook, understandably (although I'd possibly just make a double batch of bolognese sauce or something) then maybe you could do something like that? One of our local churches puts together a meal rota for families in need (births/deaths usually); I'm not part of the church but I have friends who are, and I know that this is something that's really valued within their community. And some of the friends I made at the church baby group did a similar thing for me when DC2 was born, which was really very kind of them.

Yes, a bit odd and I assume it means 'make meals for the new mum AND her family. No way! As you say, for the elderly/infirm etc fine, but otherwise no from me!

I'd hate being in receipt of that "charity". I don't trust other people's kitchens and hygiene unless I know them. I'd try to politely refuse and if force on me they'd probably end up in the bin.

I did this for my close friend but not sure I'd accept a stranger's food - especially when you've got a new baby they could licking their fingers or scratching their bits then picking around with it 🤢

I'd just reply and say "what a lovely gesture I'm sure it will be appreciated but I'm struggling to manage my own family's meals at the moment so won't be able to help this time". Or "won't be able to cook but can offer biscuits".

Do you care what the village thinks of you?

Why can't the "community angel" do it themselves? Why do they need you to do it?

I probably wouldn't do it for someone I didn't know, and to be honest, unless there were extenuating circumstances (emergency delivery, complications, single with no family/friends), I'd question why they couldn't sort it out for themselves. Most can do a little in advance themselves, so they have a few things in the freezer already, or they can "make do", like anyone does when they're ill, tired, or don't have much time for cooking.

What made me think "eh?" when I was asked to do the same, was that the mum responded and said "well I only eat x, y, z, dh only eats this, ds likes this. Also, my parents are moving in with us for a few weeks to help with the baby, before they go back to just having DS for us on weekdays, so I think after they leave". I thought, how much help does this woman need? She probably doesn't want it very much. Weird.

I'd definitely do it for an older person or someone who genuinely needed it and actually, this thread has inspired me to look into doing just that.

I had PND and a high needs baby who screamed day and night and barely slept (and if they did it was in my arms). I valued every single meal people made for us enormously.

Yes it might be easy for some people with an easy baby, but it can also be almost impossible to cook with a newborn in some circumstances. Count yourself lucky you were able to crack on with life as normal.

I cannot bear this weird competitiveness martyr-ness of "When I had a baby I cooked my own meals plus did the school run and chores, why can't other women". FFS giving birth and especially recovery is hard, we have allowed society to detach and dehumanise women that we forget they're recovering from certain pain and likely trauma, and that it's nice to make life as easy on them as possible. What is it about giving birth that makes us so unsympathetic? I bet if it was a group of people who'd broken their bones or were elderly no one would say "do it yourself"

It’s a lovely idea.
But - taking in food from strangers would make me feel strange. You might not like it. You might end up not well. It’s not for profit, and I could be TOTALLY wrong but if you’re providing food to the public don’t you need to have a food health certificate (if it’s cooked)?

I just feel it’s one of these things that people to do to be seen to be “good”.

YANBU to say no OP. I DONT have children, and I might begrudge giving up time to cook up something that I’m not sure someone will eat/like.

After my mother died, my dad was inundated with all types of food from a literal army of women in the village where he lived (yes, they were all women). It was actually quite sweet in one sense - he was the local GP and they really did love him. However, also really sexist because it implied that my dad couldn't look after himself without my mother to do it for him. He was also the better cook.
Interestingly when my mother was taken ill and my father away for a conference they didn't help her.

It is a lovely idea as long as it is available for everyone who needs it. Someone elderly, or even someone younger who lives alone but has limited mobility or has been ill would probably need support more than a woman who has just had a baby.