Being asked to make meals for new mums

[Paquitalaflor]

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

I think it's the kind of gesture that is nice from a close friend or family member, but an absolute minefield from relative strangers. Food hygiene? Storage? Allergies? What if a newly-recovering mum got food poisoning?

The concept behind it is also a bit misguided, as I wonder if they actually mean all new mums or just 'that nice mum I know from school'. It reminds me of some churches that talk about helping 'the community' but actually almost all their efforts are in aid of people who are members of the congregation - what do they do for non-Christians?

I cannot bear this weird competitiveness martyr-ness of "When I had a baby I cooked my own meals plus did the school run and chores

Wow...you think women who do the school run after having a new baby are doing so because they're martyrs?!

My husband and I both batch cooked like mad in the month before I had my baby so our freezer was full.

To be honest I would be mortified if I found out that a load of people I hardly knew had been asked to donate food to me, and whilst I have cooked for new mum friends that was in the context of going over and cooking at their house and having a snuggle with the new baby. Not something I would do for people I didn't know or want them to do for me.

I hope they have checked that the new mums have freezer space and want the food!

I'm not a martyr. I did it because I had no choice. We do manage and adapt. It doesnt harm you to eat cold food or quick dinners for a while.

YANBU - no one should be asking you to do this. Not everyone has the money or time. However, it's a nice thing to do.

When we had DS and someone delivered us 5 ready meals it came just on the day we were crashing (I was severely endemic and managing bf and nothing else, DH had been up half the night trying to settle him) and was the best thing ever. Since then we try and pay it forward every time a friend has a baby!

Just get a Cook Ready meal or similar ?

What does everyone eat that takes so long to prepare and cook? I've just put a whole chicken in the oven...didn't take more than three minutes to get it out of packaging, stick on a baking tray, drizzle with oil and put in oven.

I made the same point as Glummy - no, new mums doing the school run after a new baby are not martyrs But bigging up those things and making a virtue of the lack of help - that's what is martyrish. 'Well I had to do the school run 2 days after a c-section and nobody helped me and nor did I want them to, so hey, suck it up buttercup.' That's just miserable, mean-spirited and nasty. If you don't want to participate, that's fine, but don't sneer at the other women who either offer the help or choose to take it up.

Every year about October/November time, my late DGM would get a knock on the door from some local do-gooders asking for donations towards Christmas food parcels for the local pensioners on a low income. Every year she pointed out to them that she too was a pensioner struggling on a low income and could do with receiving one, and couldn't afford to contribute.
Did she ever get given one of these food parcels? Did she heck as like.

OnlyFools

Yes, most do some sort of work, we had our first Barrister not long ago. Not my family, but it made news.
We just put family first, and most people in our community are family anyway. The rest of society think we are hard done by, but it really isn't the case at all.
I suppose there are the die hard traditionalists about who still think it's the man's job to work and even now unless ill men are shunned for not taking work responsibilities, but I think that's the case in any culture.
I don't follow the culture for the sake, but do find I agree with lots of their social norms.

How many disabled residents, 'newly' or otherwise get help in your village?

Post birth a friend received a tray of lovely cup cakes from a far away friend, so that she could invite visitors to brew up and help themselves to a cake.

OP, huge apologies for the derail but wanted to show OnlyFools this. I'll piss off then, promise.
Just like your society it's taken a long time for women to become equal in terms of accessing careers. We, are just a little bit behind and in some respects just coming out of 1950"s thinking, there's a long way to go, for those who want careers, but we've started and I'm so proud of this woman.
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/uk-first-roma-barrister-woman-brigitta-balogh-antigypsyism-racism-discrimination-brexit-a8547591.html

Instead of thinking no one helped you, turn it around and think about how nice it would have been had someone helped you. Make that your value, not bitterness.

You sound bitter that no one made food for you.
Just be kind.

Just say ‘no’.

I never forget when I was a new mum (no family nearby) and a new friend (I had only lived in the area for 6 months) from church turned up with a lovely home cooked meal that I just needed to warm up.

Yes of course my DH can cook, of course I had frozen stuff in the freezer, of course I could make some toast ... but the thought that someone had kindly thought about us and gone to the effort of bringing the food (beautifully presented) meant a huge amount to me.

It’s things like that that make a community special, get involved or don’t get involved, but remember, you might need a little kindness one day.

I would have been mortified if as a new mother I’d been flagged as a village charity case and had random people I didn’t know corralled into making me meals. And I was a single parent with no family nearby.

A friend coming round and bringing a lasagne, lovely. But it’s rather insulting for the do-gooder to imply that none of these people are capable of looking after themselves. Are they single parents or particularly vulnerable?

Personally, I wouldn’t eat anything from anyone in the village until I’d seen the inside of their kitchens.

My first thought.

This thread is truly depressing. Women wanting to cook some food for new mums, how is that anything but kind! I imagine it's the sort of thing you do in a smaller community where people know each other? If everyone here is so bothered that the elderly need cooking for too, go set up a similar system where you are! Just because Brenda wants to cook food for new mums doesn't people can't/won't/shouldn't also help others who need it. Some of those new mums will be lone parents, have no family support, have a DH/P who works away, have had a traumatic birth, be struggling with PND - not worthy of kindness, no?

I would have loved this when I was a new Mum and I think it's a lovely idea.

However, I think it would have been better if the person organising it had sent round a general message asking if anyone wanted to join in - rather then contacting you direct by adding you to a Whatsapp group and forcing you to actively decline. I think that is where it gets a bit rude, it should have been left for willing people to sign themselves up.

YABU

It's a gesture with community spirit and friendliness at its heart.

I had meals cooked for me when I had my third child, and I cooked for others. It's a nice thing to do. Can't understand all the comments getting worked up about it.

It's the sort of thing that's lovely for a friend or acquaintance, but at a further remove I'd just find it a bit odd (and I'm another one who gets the Cook meals in whenever a friend has a baby). Just stay quiet OP, is my advice.

Don’t help if you don’t want to.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food!

And a big for you.

When I was also recovering in almost the same circumstances, I found it extremely difficult to cook fresh food, as my newborn wanted to breastfeed, constantly. I had a freezer full of food I had made when I was pregnant, but once that was gone it was a struggle. I also was dealing with crippling PND and felt a failure that I couldn’t even cook a meal in between my two screaming humans.

Not everyone has the same experience as you. Doesn’t make them any less of a person.

Maybe go round to one of the people struggling and offer to help prepare a few meals as a one off?

This thread is truly depressing. Women wanting to cook some food for new mums, how is that anything but kind! I imagine it's the sort of thing you do in a smaller community where people know each other?

Most people aren't criticising someone wanting to cook food for a new mum though. They are criticising someone forming a group and then pressurising other woman to cook for new mums.