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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked to make meals for new mums

508 replies

Paquitalaflor · 08/01/2020 11:04

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 08/01/2020 12:42

I actually think it's a great idea. Some mums have bad deliveries and/or develop pnd. Just message back saying ,"sorry I cant help out but it's a great idea." You can leave the group if they ask again.

lauryloo · 08/01/2020 12:43

I think it just sounds like a nice thing to do for the community

I batch cook and freeze before my babies have been due which makes it a lot easier

lanthanum · 08/01/2020 12:43

Just remove yourself from the group. Some people love cooking, and don't mind cooking an extra lasagne when making one for their own family. It's a lovely way for them to offer a bit of support, and I know people who do this. It's best if they check that it will be appreciated - some people would rather cook themselves (esp. if husband is normally the cook) than have other people's tastes thrust on them. (I heard someone embarrassedly thanking for someone for a gift of a meal which they hadn't been able to eat.)
However it's not something I'd be inclined to offer to do, as it's not where my strengths lie, and I'm not going to get embarrassed about that.

What I could have done with, when in SCBU with DD, was someone thrusting a decent sandwich or two at DH, who was so busy visiting us that he didn't always get round to eating.

LaMarschallin · 08/01/2020 12:45

American "Meal Train" idea where randoms sign up to drop off Tuna Noodle Casseroles

And it's always TNCs, too.

I thought these were great when I first had one at an American friends house, but they seem to be a staple food group.
Along with pies/cobblers or cakes for pudding.

Obviously, I still like the odd one Smile

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 12:45

Yes some mums have bad deliveries and pnd- some people with out kids have depression, mobility issues, or just too damn poor to eat. The focus on a new mum needing food as opposed to the incapacitated or the poor is biZarre

ParanoidGynodroid · 08/01/2020 12:46

because not every partner can afford to take holidays on top of paternity leave?

Eh? So husbands/partners can only cook if they’re on leave? Confused
They couldn’t possibly, you know, cook when they got home, or do a few dishes at the weekend like most working parents?
l managed to work full time as a teacher and cook from scratch for my family for many years. But then again, I didn’t have the additional chore of lugging a penis around with me all day.

MustardScreams · 08/01/2020 12:46

Bad deliveries/poorly baby/mum aside having a newborn isn’t THAT a difficult that you can’t shove food in the oven.

I understand if the new mums have PND or literally no support, but it’s a bit much to expect strangers to spend money and time making them food if they’ve have a perfectly reasonable delivery and are fine.

Lalapurple · 08/01/2020 12:46

I don't think you are unreasonable not to want to make the dinners, but I think you are being unreasonable to judge others so harshly for wanting to do it/finding it helpful.
Some of my family brought me round meals after I gave birth and it was really helpful. I'm really glad I didn't have to worry about cooking. Of course if I had to I probably could have but it would have made those first days much harder. it's no wonder women get postnatal depression. Not everyone copes the same..

DimplesMcGee · 08/01/2020 12:48

Fgs, you could do your weekly shop from your phone whilst sitting in the post natal ward. When you get home, bung a frozen pizza in the oven. Someone really needs to tell a lot of new mums that they can put their baby down in a safe place and make themselves a piece of toast...it's just ridiculous.

FGS, how about you show a little compassion? I'm sure there are things you have struggled with in your life - I do hope the people who surrounded you were a bit more undertanding of your difficulties than you seem to be.

JosefKeller · 08/01/2020 12:48

The focus on a new mum needing food as opposed to the incapacitated or the poor is biZarre

why does it have to be one or the other?

New mums are treated like shit in this country, maybe we should try to improve on that. It doesn't mean to ignore everything else. We are all free to support what is closest to us one way or another.

Maybe if you had horrible experience as a new mum you'd get it. Some people can understand the need for help even if they never experienced it themselves.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 12:50

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think I had a little bit of PND (undiagnosed) and I think that people turning up with food donations would've made me feel like a failure, like it was obvious that I was a shit mom.

I know in hindsight that that's ridiculous but I don't think I'd have taken the kindness of strangers in it's intended way.

formerbabe · 08/01/2020 12:50

This isn't the olden days. We don't need to spend hours making stews or baking our own bread. There's tons of convenience food that is healthy and tasty. We have supermarkets which deliver. Housewives don't have to make daily trips to the butcher and greengrocer anymore. There's no need for all this fuss.

fringeforever · 08/01/2020 12:52

Literally I would say 'Unfortunately I won't be able to help but what a lovely idea!'

Drabarni · 08/01/2020 12:53

i'd be mad that somebody added me without my permission. I didn't realise that was possible, you could end up on any group.
I thought you were asked and then agreed to these groups.

Cohle · 08/01/2020 12:53

It might not be necessary but it's still a kind and thoughtful thing to do that lets new mothers know they have a supportive community around them.

The OP isn't obliged to contribute if she doesn't want to. I just don't understand what's so offensive about the very idea of this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/01/2020 12:53

@DimplesMcGee - your experience of early motherhood is a prime example of why new mothers need the right support. It won't necessarily be the same in every case, but you needed something you didn't get. Maybe it would have helped if someone had come around with a meal that you didn't have to cook - or maybe you'd have liked someone to come and hold the baby for you, whilst you had something to eat, and got to talk to another adult at the same time. For someone else it might be a friend who'd take the baby out in the pram for a walk whilst they had a leisurely bath or shower and a nap.

Help like this can be vital - but it has to be thoughtful too - it has to be about what the new mum needs, not about what person helping thinks they need.

When I had PND for the third time, after ds3 was born, what helped me was a friend who turned up every week and got me and ds3 out of the house - we'd go and have a coffee and a chat, and it was absolutely invaluable to me - and she is still one of my closest friends now said baby is in his 20s!

JosefKeller · 08/01/2020 12:54

This isn't the olden days.
as kindness and support seem to be a thing of the past for some people, not sure it's an improvement.

makingmammaries · 08/01/2020 12:54

I’d be uncomfortable with that expectation in a WhatsApp group too. Somehow it feels a bit intrusive and as others have said it’s the American meal train concept, all a bit Stepford.

Maryann1975 · 08/01/2020 12:54

When I was pg with all 3 of my dc, we made a conscious effort to batch cook and put some meals in the freezer. Am I in the minority doing this kind of practical thing to prepare for having a child. Obviously they didn’t last forever, but I don’t remember starving or eating badly when I had newborns. Between the home made ready meals from the freezer, dh stepping up and ‘shock horror’ cooking for his wife, himself and older dc and the odd takeaway, we did fine.

I’ve just started batch cooking again, as like you op, working full time, with dc and their activities and trying to fit in a bit of a life myself, there isn’t always time to make a proper dinner.
Leave the group and don’t feel guilty about it.

(I’m also going to suggest to brother and sil who are expecting a baby that they Think about stocking up the freezer with meals so they don’t have to spend lots of time cooking when baby is here).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 12:55

Maybe if you had horrible experience as a new mum you'd get it you have zero idea of what my birth or months after giving birth were like. Fact is a new mum title ALONE does not make some one a charity case

MzHz · 08/01/2020 12:57

Just leave the group woman!

You have plenty on your plate as it is, without worrying about the rest of Stepford! Grin

FourTeaFallOut · 08/01/2020 12:57

It's such a shame when this happens op and you end up on a whatsapp group and then they own your soul and you can never leave. That's how it works right? That's why you're upset?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 12:57

@Drabarni it's presumably a group message rather than a group page on Facebook

DimplesMcGee · 08/01/2020 13:02

STDG, thank you. Yes, exactly this. As it happens, I wouldn't have particularly appreciated random peoiple turning up with food but I'd have loved someone to hold DS so I could cook... In fact, I ended up with a homestart volunteer who used to come round and then we'd go out shopping together which I found really helpful - just getting out and about with another adult. All my friends were either working or had their own tiny babies so weren't much help, though I did meet them sometimes, and no near family. I had terrible birth injuries and SPD that didn't properly resolve for months, and found getting out and about on my own with DS very hard. I agree help needs to be tailored to the individual, and I also don't think the OP is unreasonable to refuse to join in... but all the posters saying, "Why would new mums need help anyway, babies sleep 24/7 and it's the easiest job in the world!" need to give their heads a wobble.

Topseyt · 08/01/2020 13:02

I don't think you are unreasonable here at all. I would just leave the group as quietly as possible, just saying that you really don't have time etc. I wouldn't care at all what they thought.

I personally find this weird. I guess it comes from good intentions, but it would be the do-gooder element that would put me off. I would find it very intrusive and awkward to handle.

I always preferred to make my own food, even when I was doing it very badly in the difficult weeks after having a baby.