Being asked to make meals for new mums

[Paquitalaflor]

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

Last thing I wanted would have wanted when slobbing around in my pjs looking after a newborn after an emergency section and trying to nap when they did would be strangers knocking on my door at random intervals!
Maybe you should suggest asking these mums to be if they want all this attention before they all go disturbing them with meals they may not want. Perhaps they have preplanned already and have freezers full of meals and don't want random stranger's cooking for them
Whereas the idea is not bad it hasn't been thought through.

And yes there may be other people in the community who would like just a visitor to pop in for a cuppa and a chat and possibly a meal made but this would need to be fine tuned first too.

@FourTeaFallOut

Reply-

What a lovely idea! I’m sorry o won’t be able to join in, I barely have time to cook my own family meals, but wish you luck with your project.

Leave WhatsApp group

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. YANBU.

Equally most (not ALL!) new mums have partners, why is it that its more logical for a random woman to cook them food than their own husbands/partners.

because not every partner can afford to take holidays on top of paternity leave?
because if said partner is supportive and staying with you when you have days in hospital being induced, long labour, etc that's one week paternity leave already gone?

I think as a church or other community organisation run idea - where volunteers are asked for and added to a what’s app group when they express interest - & it’s a scheme for new parents not new mums it’s a lovely idea. And very likely they will also be running a parallel group for people who are ill, elderly etc.

Adding Mums to a what’s app group to make meals for other Mums with newborns comes across to me as both sexist and just plain meh (can’t think of the word I’m looking for!)

I think it's a lovely idea and I'd do it. Or at least say I'm time poor/don't cook but happy to give a fiver/tenner towards ingredients for those with time but no money. That's how Woolly Hugs works.

All food delivered for you from the supermarket. It's hardly taxing.

the lack of support and understanding on this forum is astonishing.

I quite agree with the food from random strangers personally, not my cup of tea. But the principle of helping out new mothers is a good one. The rate of PND in this country are abysmal, the support of mothers is inexistent. Maternity wards are horrible, many women leave hospital too early, in bad condition, and will have no help - apart from their partner but that's not enough.

Being so dismissive and shitty about new mums who could use help is out of order. Go troll somewhere else, this is a parenting forum.

It would be amazing to have a group who volunteer to make meals on a rota for the newly bereaved, or when someone is very ill or a carer in hospital. And maybe new mums. Indeed I have been very moved when others have done this for my relatives. But it should be just a few meals, coordinated and given freely with no offense at refusal.

It is a much more American tradition than here, for sure! When I was teaching in the US, we used to do this for our colleagues, not just for new babies, but bereavement, as well. When my grandfather died, I came home from the funeral/family days to a fridge full of basics and some lovely meals and treats. I loved it... I was only in my 20s then, and single, so of course I could have cooked for myself, but it was nice to feel loved and looked after by my colleagues.

because not every partner can afford to take holidays on top of paternity leave? who said anything about additional leave, he can cook when he gets home, order his wife a takeaway!
Loving the stereotypical man who works 12 long hours with no time to cook but random strangers have time and money to feed additional households based on their only need being they had a baby.

Just reply 'lovely idea, but I'm flat out at the moment and can't commit' and leave the group before they piss you off even more!

Keep doing this and they'll stop adding you to groups.

@Tinnedpeachesandcream I fully get where you are coming from. I know it sounds awful but I couldn't eat food off people I didn't know and didn't know what their hygiene standards were. Not to be ungrateful or rude.
How do you know if they've washed their hands before food prep? Is the kitchen clean?
I'm digressing here sorry.
But it is a very kind thought to help someone with newborn and I'm sure someone would appreciate it.

@Paquitalaflor

You are right to be irked. I would be to if i was in your position. Unfortunately, some individuals can be like that when in such groups on whats app

Yanbu OP, just explain you cannot commit at this time.

@thehorseandhisboy exactly!! Fully agree

Who are these people and why did they add you to the group? Very random and odd.

I would just leave the group personally.

I’ve got visions of a village do gooder ringing the doorbell while trying to balance 16 cottage pies and the new mum in true Mumsnet style refusing to answer the door... 😂

Are they aware of any food allergies?

Do they know the new mums need the food? Perhaps they'd be better off just having a conversation with another adult about something other than babies.

I'm sure dads are more than capable of helping out even if its only putting some things in a slow cooker before they leave in the morning so mum has a meal when she's got time during the day.

So true!

Then an 'AIBU to disable the door bell as random people clutching tupperware keep ringing just as the baby has got off to sleep' thread.

dh got use to salad & omelette or (bless him) made dinner for us both (yet another curry )

Of course you can put a crying baby down somewhere safe whilst you spend two minutes making a sandwich. How on earth do you think women with older children manage? Their older dc don't starve.

I didn't say I couldn't put him down. I said, if I did, the endless screaming stressed me out so much that I felt sick and couldn't eat anyway, probably because I was full of adrenaline/cortisol. I was very ill, he was very ill, my brain didn't work very well due to sleep deprivation, and I ended up with extremely bad PND. I thought I was a horrible person if I put him down. NOW I think, why didn't I just put earplugs in and eat in another room, it wouldn't have done him any harm! But now I'm not very ill and depressed with a sick new baby and no support.

And actually, even thinking or talking about that time still makes me feel sick and churned up and on the verge of tears - I've actually been diagnosed with PTSD. So, yes, some mums do struggle. Some don't, obviously! Great for them. Some do and appreciate the help.

I am sure that there will be mothers who will really benefit from this. However most will be perfectly healthy and have a DP to help cook etc. Therefore I find the focus of this really odd and perhaps a little self absorbed of the group organiser. If they really wanted to help people it would be better to look at who in the village really might need help such as the elderly, bereaved, and sick.

Fgs, you could do your weekly shop from your phone whilst sitting in the post natal ward. When you get home, bung a frozen pizza in the oven. Someone really needs to tell a lot of new mums that they can put their baby down in a safe place and make themselves a piece of toast...it's just ridiculous.

Sounds like someone has jumped on the American "Meal Train" idea where randoms sign up to drop off Tuna Noodle Casseroles to new mums, coworkers etc (there are even apps in the US to schedule your mea)

It does have a rather 1950s housewife vibe these days that "Dad" cannot be expected to worry himself about cooking as he is the Breadwinner - not to mention the nightmare of dietary requirements and allergies etc. Especially now that take-away food is easy to get

I would do it for close friends or family