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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked to make meals for new mums

508 replies

Paquitalaflor · 08/01/2020 11:04

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
ChiaraMontague · 08/01/2020 12:00

This is the kind of thing I hate about WhatsApp. I would just leave the group.

Also do the new mums actually want / have they asked for this all this food? Seems like it is more about the organisers getting to feel all warm and fuzzy about their generosity.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 12:01

doesn't mean other women other women shouldn't get to benefit from a bit of compassion compassion for what, that they had a baby??!!!

withgraceinmyheart · 08/01/2020 12:01

YABU

Someone did this for me and I was really grateful. I don’t have any family support and it massively took the pressure off. Maybe it wasn’t essential but it was kind.

They organised it properly and asked about alllergies etc. People didn’t just randomly turn up they text to organise a good time.

Don’t do it if you don’t want to, but it’s mean to say it shouldn’t be done if others want and the recipient is grateful.

DimplesMcGee · 08/01/2020 12:05

Just to add - I never expected anyone to cook for me but once when DS was about 6 weeks old, two friends came round for the day with their older babies, and cooked lunch for all of us, and even now I remember just how grateful I was. DS wouldn't be put down for even five minutes without screaming and if I ignored him to even make myself a sandwich, I used to feel so upset by his endless crying that I was too stressed out to eat anyway. Now I think - "Why didn't DH or I just make some sandwiches the night before, or in the morning before he left for work?" but at the time I was in a fog of sleep-deprivation and still very ill, and it didn't occur to me. If other people want to cook for new mums, I think it's incredibly kind of them (though saying that, you still shouldn't have to if you don't thave the time or inclination, without being guilted).

FruitcakeOfHate · 08/01/2020 12:06

Was it just women invited to do the cooking?

Of course! Men wouldn't think of such a thing in a million years. Just ignore it.

Insaneinthemembury · 08/01/2020 12:06

My church set up a 'take them a meal' website rota when someone has a new baby. takethemameal.com/
It was a total god send when my DS was born.
For 2 weeks we had people turn up at the door with food, sometimes 3 course meals! Wine, flowers the lot.
But, people volunteered to sign up. And others with small children tended not to sign up . My church is quite large and it's not too onerous. I end up volunteering maybe twice a year
YANBU sounds like you have enough on your plate as it is!

KatharinaRosalie · 08/01/2020 12:08

how weird. Surely it's harder to cook with 2 young children running around than one sleeping newborn?
And I personally would not want to eat food that's brought over by a random stranger who happens to live in the same village.

DimplesMcGee · 08/01/2020 12:09

rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do

And as for this... I think you must have had very different babies to mine! I always feel extremely jealous of mums who had babies who slept all the time. No wonder you don't think the newborn days are hard. Try a baby who sleeps for only 30 minutes bursts throughout the night, refuses naps, and screams whenever he's awake, then tell me it isn't hard.

Inherdefence · 08/01/2020 12:09

I agree YANBU to not want to do it, my church is always asking for volunteers. I say yes to some requests because they are easy enough for me to do (cook for events, wash laundry for the homeless shelter, runthe bar for social events, etc ) and just ignore the ones that I can’t or don’t want to help with (sing in the choir, serve soup kitchen breakfasts at the crack of dawn, help with youth club and many more).

However YABU to judge other people for organising it - if they do have time on their hands they might as well use it helping other people as sitting on their bum counting their money. You are also BU to judge anyone who might benefit from this service. The fact you can manage something doesn’t mean everyone else will find it that simple.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 08/01/2020 12:11

I’ll never forget the friend that dropped off a bag of shopping when I was badly injured and my then husband had been in the hospital. We hadn’t been able to get to the shops and were really short on money due to lack of sick pay. I don’t think she’ll ever know the difference it made. So you’re not unreasonable to say it’s not just new mums who would appreciate it, but done right it’s a lovely gesture.

FruitcakeOfHate · 08/01/2020 12:11

And there's still so much expectation of 'family support'. Here's the deal if you don't have it, you prepare as much in advance as you can. Don't procreate with an arsehole, that helps a lot. We had no 'family support' so worked together to clean the house thoroughly, load the freezer and larder with easy to prepare food, moved furniture to suit, saved up to hire out childcare and cleaning. All steps you can take.

elizzza · 08/01/2020 12:11

I have a husband and a Deliveroo account, but when a friend dropped round a lasagne after I had a baby in September I was very touched. If you don’t want to do it or don’t have time then don’t, but this level of annoyance at other people trying to do a nice thing is weird and tbh I find it a bit sad. Especially your suggestion that you don’t want to do it because no one did it for you. Sometimes it’s nice to put kindness out into the world even if you didn’t receive it first.

ChikiTIKI · 08/01/2020 12:12

We have something like this in our church. People who have had a baby or people who are poorly can sign up and they will be provided with meals for 2 weeks (I think every second day). The team of people who cook the meals is small and doesn't include people with young families-they wouldn't normally be asked to join the list of cooks for the same reasons you would struggle to do it.

Its nice that people are organising something though and I would be sad to think I had a neighbour struggling with meals when I might have been able to help them out.

A friend of mine had a baby when my baby was about 8m old. I managed to cook some meals for her, and did some for me at the same time. Took a while to do a few different meals though and I delivered them already frozen. I said the next time I got round to batch cooking I would take more, and that was about 18m ago.... She was a recipient on the 2 week rota though so thankfully my contribution was just a nice extra. I would find it too stressful to join a cooking rota at the moment.

LaMarschallin · 08/01/2020 12:12

How many "new mums" are there likely to be in a village?

It sounds like some sort of refugee crisis rather than the odd person having a baby. Chicken dippers sounds a perfectly reasonable offer. It's what a lot of people would have in those circumstances; first meal I had when I came home from having DD2 was fish and chips.

But, if people are having to turn to and produce casseroles for families with a new baby, the village sounds like one of those places in television series that have numerous murders but, in this case, more births than you could shake a stick at.

And, OP:
BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard

Exactly. YANBU

woodchuck99 · 08/01/2020 12:12

YANBU. I did find it hard to cook with my first child but that is because I hadn't realised it would be a good idea to cook and stock the freezer up during maternity leave plus my baby was early so hardly got any leave beforehand. With my second child I had realised and stocked the freezer first and had no problems.

The organisers should realise that not everyone has the free time to cook shouldn't be hassling everyone about it. Also, I think their efforts should be directed towards the elderly and sick rather than mothers who will mostly have the time to cook for themselves if they are organised.

Unusualsuspicion · 08/01/2020 12:12

I can't bear the 'I had no help so why should anybody else?' attitude. Clearly it was hard for you, as you point out you had an absent husband, the toddler and the baby and the infected c-section scar. Your inability to accept help and determination to accrue points for martyrdom is not anyone else's problem. For many of the rest of us, when life is difficult, it is really very wonderful when someone kindly drops round a delicious home-cooked bolognese or some homemade brownies. It's what a community is for.

formerbabe · 08/01/2020 12:14

DS wouldn't be put down for even five minutes without screaming and if I ignored him to even make myself a sandwich

Of course you can put a crying baby down somewhere safe whilst you spend two minutes making a sandwich. How on earth do you think women with older children manage? Their older dc don't starve.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/01/2020 12:14

@Paquitalaflor - you mentioned cooking for an elderly person, and wondered if there is a village group for that. I don't know where you live, but in Scotland there is a charity called The Food Train that puts together people like you who are willing to cook a meal each week, for example, and deliver it to an elderly person in their neighbourhood, so they get a home cooked meal and some social contact.

I don't know if there is anything similar in the rest of the UK, but there may well be.

Longblondeandblueeyes · 08/01/2020 12:15

Nah, I couldn't be bothered with that. I have loads of free time, but my kids are grown up and no-one did anything like this for me at the time. Nope!!

JosefKeller · 08/01/2020 12:15

compassion for what, that they had a baby??!!! Confused

well, yes, it can be really hard.
I am sure some of you were dancing around 2 hours after birth when you left the hospital, but some mothers really struggle after long and/or complicated births.

Not everyone will have a partner who finishes work at 4 and have diner ready for 5, some new mums would rather not wait until 9 or 10 to eat Hmm

if you don't want to join in, by all means don't but let's not pretend having a baby is easy for everybody.

bellinisurge · 08/01/2020 12:16

Op, you didn't have local help. I wonder what your reaction would have been if it had been offered.
I didn't have that kind of help. I needed it. It wasn't offered. I coped. Ish.
Shrug your shoulders and get on with your day.

Stabilos · 08/01/2020 12:17

I'd have hated this. After a c section my now ex and I still managed to cook the type of food we'd usually eat. I'd have probably binned someone else's casserole or shepherds pie.

Peppapeppapeppapeppa · 08/01/2020 12:17

YABVU! You were asked to help out another parent in a particular way but you 1) don't think you have time and 2) don't value that kind of help so don't want to. That's all fine, don't do it if you don't want to but your attitude is not very nice.

There's a real bad attitude on MN of anyone who thinks of others, tries to help others etc is a 'do-gooder' or a 'martyr' and it is nasty. Thankfully in my real life people are actually quite nice and kind and thoughtful to one another.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 12:18

if you don't want to join in, by all means don't but let's not pretend having a baby is easy for everybody of course it isnt, lots of situations arent easy, I really dont get a blanket idea that new mums need strangers to cook them food. Equally most (not ALL!) new mums have partners, why is it that its more logical for a random woman to cook them food than their own husbands/partners...2020 people!

formerbabe · 08/01/2020 12:18

Food couldn't be easier to prep/cook nowadays.

Pasta, boil. Ready made sauce, pre grated cheese.

Jacket potato in microwave, can of tuna, pre bagged salad.

All food delivered for you from the supermarket. It's hardly taxing.