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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked to make meals for new mums

508 replies

Paquitalaflor · 08/01/2020 11:04

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 09/01/2020 19:34

YABU to be so angry about a kind gesture that you don’t have to take part in.

Beetle76 · 09/01/2020 19:45

YANBU.
When my SIL had her first child, I received a group email from one of her NCT group of new mummy friends. It said that we needed to rally round and help stock her freezer with meals because the poor SIL & BIL were all alone as they had no family in the country. At the time we (I’m married to her brother) lived 30 mins away and both sets of grand parents had booked staggered flights to come and help in the first days/weeks/months. FFS. No family? WTAF?
I think sometimes the type of people who send these emails are oblivious to the reality other people’s situations.
But if I know someone well enough to stock their freezer, I know them well enough to know when they need help stocking their freezer without having some stranger email me to tell me to do it.

Dementedmagpie · 09/01/2020 19:47

There are a lot of assumptions on here that 16 unkempt unhygienic people with dirty kitchens-who decide to cook for their own glory and a big mention on social media will just all rock up together unannounced at 3am-- a random unsuitable time (which could in fact be any time because 90% of MN dont answer the door) and dump a load of food that is either not to your taste/inedible because of above hygiene reasons/not suitable due to allergies.
In any meal sharing groups I have been on the recipient is asked in advance if they would like to receive food (they are quite welcome to say no thanks) and if they have any dietary requirements and what days/times would suit to deliver.

M2B19 · 09/01/2020 20:07

@csigeek I did exactly the same after being told repeatedly there’d be no time to cook/eat and I’m still getting thru it now 16 weeks in 😂

MaybeDoctor · 09/01/2020 20:16

I'll say it again - why don't these people who are desperate to help new mums sign up to one of the recognised programmes for volunteering with parents? NCT, BfN, ABM, Home Start or La Leche League. That way they could be sure that there is some evidence-base behind the work, that beneficiaries are those who actually need or want the service and that there is proper governance. Or do they just want the kudos of being seen to rally round and be a ministering angel?

EugenesAxe · 09/01/2020 20:21

This is entirely one of those situations where the organiser should not judge anyone choosing to not join in. I often do make food as I think it’s a nice thing to do for a new mum, but there have been times when I’ve been asked to cook for other things (church related), when I’ve had too much on and I’ve said no.

I feel like you in that I often struggle to cook for my own family! Don’t feel bad saying no.

genius1308 · 09/01/2020 20:21

#blubelle7, on what planet is it unacceptable to wash kitchen towels with underwear? You do understand how a washing machine works don't you? You do realise that dirty items go in the washing machine then by magic (or possibly some form of witchcraft) all of the dirty things come out clean! It's a genius invention Wink

Mulhollandmagoo · 09/01/2020 20:22

I'm going to get shot down for this, but...it's a good idea, in theory, a lovely lovely thing to do! However, when I had a newborn, I'd have hated it if a group full of (albeit very well meaning) women turned up at my house with lots of food, while I was sat in my mid matched dirty PJ's, with my leaky boobs and greasy hair and eyebags whilst trying to get my head around the fact I'd just had a baby

Mary1935 · 09/01/2020 20:22

Lots of Christian churches do this for new mums.
It can be nice and supportive for the family.

Palaver1 · 09/01/2020 20:36

Its a supportive thing to do if you dont want to take part dont its a request

Serafinaaa · 09/01/2020 20:39

YABU
A friend set this up for me after each of my children and I really appreciated it. Her church friends brought the food and I didn't know any of them! I've since done the same for numerous others. There is a website where the volunteers sign up and everyone involved can see who is cooking what and requests/allergies/dislikes can be logged.
Some people also brought some chocolates or a small present. I was really touched by the kindness of strangers and inspired to help myself when I was able.

lovemenorca · 09/01/2020 20:41

* A friend set this up for me after each of my children and I really appreciated it. Her church friends brought the food and I didn't know any of them*

And you felt comfortable eating dishes prepared by people you’d never met? Absolutely no idea of their kitchen standard, how sloppy they were with hand washing, cooking with meat etc etc

From friends and family - lovely
From complete strangers - no chance

Housewife2010 · 09/01/2020 20:43

I think it's odd. You have nine months of pregnancy in which to get organised and batch cook. My husband cooked too. I filled up our freezer with homemade loaf cakes too to serve to our visitors. I wouldn't want someone else's food that I may not like and then all the hassle about returning dishes. New babies sleep a lot too.

Insaneinthemembury · 09/01/2020 20:43

The difference with my church meals I knew every person that came. I'd been to most of their houses.
My church is a city church and attracts quite a lot of young professionals. For some reason a lot of doctors.
I definitely trusted the food hygiene! The meals were delicious too and I tried new things I'd never normally cook.
An American lady did meat loaf for e.g.!

user1472151176 · 09/01/2020 20:45

YANBU you have enough on your plate - definitely do not add to it.

Serafinaaa · 09/01/2020 20:50

Lovemenorca

Yes, because I trusted my friend and I trusted her judgement about who would be cooking.

cherish123 · 09/01/2020 20:53

YANBU. Why can't people make their own meals? I would think most new parents would find this weird. There are probably others in your village in more need of this i.e. the elderly, disabled and poorly.

cherish123 · 09/01/2020 20:54

@lovemenorca - I concur

Fireflybaby · 09/01/2020 21:00

I hopenthe new mums know that the village is cooking for them and have plenty of room in fridge/freezer.
I also hope they strangers knocking on their door as soon as the baby is asleep , waking the baby up and having shiver a Tupperware full of food in their arms.
I also hope the whatsapp group knows about the family allergies and preferences in food and how they like it cooked.

I mean, it's lovely if your neighnour or close friend or family turns at your door with a lovely meal every now and then while you find your feet trying to keep a baby alive. But having random people turning up p every day with cooked food, I don't know.. sounds a bit weird.

If you don't care much about their opinion about you, I don't see why you just can't leave the group. Then open a new group, invite them all and start organising something for the elderly :).

Insaneinthemembury · 09/01/2020 21:21

I find this thread bonkers.
Of course no new mum ever struggles...
No one has extended hospital stays
Physical Injuries
Mental trauma
Infants that breast feed Non stop
Baby's that dont feed
DH who has to go back to work almost straight away
Everyone has loads of family near by all there to help
In my world new mums do struggle, I did and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Mumsnet should be a place where we can admit that, surely?
My church bringing me meals and helping was honestly the difference between PND and not coping and actually coping pretty well.
I really needed them and there they were with the most generous kindness.

Thetellyisjelly · 09/01/2020 21:29

Oh gosh I hated this. I know I know I’m an ungrateful grumpy bastard.
But when my babies were born what I wanted to do was load the fridge up with posh ready meals (online shop) and loaf in my pjs with my babe.
I didn’t want to have to keep answering the door to receive food of dubious origin and do small talk. Didn’t want to have to invite people in to snuggle my baby and bring their kids/ dog/ nits/ norovirus.
But a chicken dipper really hit the spot in those days of hibernation breastfeeding starvation. I consumed many many of them and so did my poor kids . So I think that’s fair enough !

SuperMumTum · 09/01/2020 21:32

On the other hand I actively rejected all offers of help. My MIL brought round vats of very bland, greyish, stew after DD was born. It made me sick to even look at it.

FaveNumberIs2 · 09/01/2020 21:50

Just leave the bloody group and if anyone asks, tell them you’re too busy looking after your own children.

Cremebrule · 09/01/2020 21:51

My next door neighbour brought us round a meal with my first. I could have kissed her. It was really kind of her and the best thing we’d had. They are doing something nice. If you don’t want to be part of it then just say it’s not for you right now.

jwpetal · 09/01/2020 21:59

You don’t have to do it and I wonder what the trigger is for you. Yes, you did it and sounds really difficult. So why not show community. You sound like you cannot spare the time. That is also okay. I had prem twins in hospital with a toddler at home with health issues. The food made by my friends was a godsend. I hive a meal to my friends that have babies or are ill.