Being asked to make meals for new mums

[Paquitalaflor]

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

Just say no if you don’t want to do it. It’s nice that people are looking out for each other.

I was incredibly touched when an acquaintance from round the corner got in touch after our baby was born and asked if we’d like some home cooked meals and did we have any dietary requirements. We were really touched by the sign that someone cared and we were really struggling at that point. (I was in hospital 8 nights, developed PND, DH about to head back to work whilst feeling completely overwhelmed, no family around to support us). She asked when would be convenient to deliver and what storage we had. She was wonderful.

And the group I was part of, at church, did nothing. I was pretty shocked that none of them turned round and offered any help whatsoever. Later on I queried this (when suggesting cooking for another new family) and they all looked very surprised and said that that was what our extended families were for. I ended up leaving and moving to a more community-minded church...

Wow, how miserable!
We didn't cook for 2 weeks after all 4 of our babies-our church set up a 'meals on wheels rota' just as we do for everyone that's had a baby/is ill/bereaved/in difficulty.
Sharing food is one of the loveliest things you can do. I just make extra when I make our own when we do these things.
If you don't want to participate just leave the group, but doing a nice thing isn't WEIRD even if it's not something you want to do.

I wonder if the new mums even want it? If some stranger rocked up at my door with a meal it would go straight in the bin!

The more of these threads I read, the more glad I am that I don't have a phone that goes online at all, so will never have to deal with any of this crap. Whatsapp appears to be a particular offender, if MN posts are anything to go by.

(I voted YANBU, by the way).

Jeez! When I was pregnant with my DS and I had finished work but had a few weeks before baby was due I made/prepped 30 meals for the freezer for the first month! Didn’t expect anyone to cook for me!

I 100% would NOT want this

Absolutely no idea about standards that strangers or acquaintances have in their kitchen.

Plus so many nutritious and delicious ready meals these days.

In the “old days” or pre Marks ready meals, then yes. Now, not for me in the slightest. Either to give or receive!

I wouldn’t want to accept cooked food off people I barely know tbh. Who knows how clean their house is 😂

I would've happily ignored the message and removed myself from the What'sApp group in your position OP. In fact, I'd do it even in my position.

YABU.

Just because YOU struggled everyone else has to? That's how you come across.

None of the things you've mentioned matter one jot. The person concerned is trying to build a good community but you're not interested and that's fine. Just say no but be prepared to be judged accordingly.

I'm really not clear why you have to post on here and be so nasty. We need more community spirit not less.

I had 6 kids, a full time job, disabled parents and a dog and you know what else? Severe PND and I would have killed for a kind face, the food would have been a bonus.

You're just bitter.

YANBU to not want to partake.
YABU to bitterly describe other people's acts of kindness as dogooding, sainted mummies etc.

Your post sounds less like "no thank you, in too busy to be involved" and more like "look how hard I had it and I managed without support so other new mums should suck it up and everyone else should stop babying them".

'Just say no but be prepared to be judged accordingly.' @FelicisNox is precisely why these sort of 'trying to be nice things' get people worked up. If you don't have the time, you don't have the time. If you can't see the point, you can't see the point. No one should be judging anyone - people don't know what another persons life consists of and, unless they are complete busybodies, they'd accept a 'no' and move on.

No one should feel forced to take part because someone (usually totally unimportant) is 'judging them'. If they're judging people who don't want to take part then they, themselves, are a waste of time and effort. Avoid 'judgy' people at all costs - they're usually very sanctimonious usually without any reason.

OP you do what you think is right. If you are judged then you know the group is just a fussy lot and not worthy of your time. Hopefully they won't be - most people aren't.

It's a nice thing for them to do. Personally I, like many people on here, managed to get organised with plenty of food in the freezer. I would imagine most new parents are the same but it's a nice idea if supplies get low. From my point of view I'd have appreciated someone getting the ironing done for me more than I would a casserole but anything is better than nothing.

@FelicisNox why decide to get 6 children and a dog if you can’t handle it.

I have always made a freezer meal for friends who have had a baby. I would be put out by being added to a group and basically been Voluntold to do so for people who I wasn’t close to. If I want to offer food, I will.

What @HoldMyLobster said.

I've been the recipient of a meal train, and participated in them. Not only when friends have babies but also when they've been sick or bereaved, or otherwise going through a difficult time. It's a lovely thing to receive, and I've always been happy to participate.

It's different from ordering take out because a) it's free to the recipient, b) it's often healthier/tastier/less guilt inducing that ordering take-out each night, and c) it makes you feel loved during a difficult time.

OP: if you don't want to take part, just say no. But there's no need to be quite so bitchy about it all.

Just say no! (If you don’t want to do it) I would feel the same as you:(

YABU re you attitude to the request imo. Just say no and move on. You’ve been asked and are perfectly entitled to refuse to help. Not a big deal. Surely this was a request rather than a demand?!
As an aside, I find it nice that neighbours are looking out for each other. Great to have community spirit.

I think in theory it's a lovely, kind thing to do.

However, I hope they have checked with people first. It shoudnt just be assumed that people have the time/resources or money to cook for others. Equally, it shouldn't be assumed that new mums actually want food from strangers. When my kids were newborns I spent most of the day napping, BF and in my dressing gown. I would have HATED strangers coming round unannounced with food. Firstly, you might not like the food, secondly, you feel obliged to invite them in to say thank you, thirdly, you have to sort out taking the bowl/plate back. I would rather have just not dealt with that at that stage.

So, if everyone is fine with it- then crack on. But they need to check first and not just assume.

I knew the people that brought me meals, doctors, lawyers, teachers... my friends from church.
They weren't randoms who had disgusting kitchens.
Freezer meals are ok, but a freezer meal wont load your dishwasher for you, offer to hold your baby and they're no where near as nutritious or tasty.
I was delighted with my meals! It was also my choice, no one forced it on me.

And with the app you see the meal plan, so you can decide if something needs to change because you dont like it.
Theres also a time theyll come round so it's not a surprise and you can change that too.

The money we saved as well! We ended up with 12 meals in the end, puddings, 7 bottles of wine, flowers, presents for both boys.
My mums an alcoholic and my dads not around so they became my 'family support'. It meant a great deal to me

I’m with you OP and whilst the thought is nice, i genuinely wouldn’t appreciate a load of random home cooked food dropping off. —and I wouldn’t eat it if I hadn’t seen the kitchen or knew the cook either—

YANBU to choose not to take part in this and it wouldn't be unreasonable to be miffed if you were being guilted into taking part.

However, YABU to get so annoyed that someone wants to do something nice for other people.

What a lovely idea. I'm sure this will make the "newborn adjustment period" that bit easier, and that the recipients will be very grateful.

However, if you're not able or willing to participate then you should decline without any guilt. If I've understood rightly that you were added to the group after you indicated your feelings, that seems very pushy.

YANBU. In fact I think it's quite presumptuous and rude to ask people to donate their time and money in a group setting like that.

@GoodDogBellaBoo she did handle it. She's saying she would have appreciated a friendly face. How rude.

Is the OP american?