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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked to make meals for new mums

508 replies

Paquitalaflor · 08/01/2020 11:04

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
woodchuck99 · 09/01/2020 09:47

it’s a bit disingenuous really in the context of the OP, who with this comment really just seems to want other people not to have help because she didn’t:

I think the comment suggests that she finds it harder now than she did then despite having various problems after giving birth and that this will probably be the case for a lot of people. Therefore, why do new mums as a group need this kind of help and why should she be pressurised into doing it.

IvinghoeBeacon · 09/01/2020 09:58

Really?

“ JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard!”

How would she feel if someone who found the stage she is at now much easier said this to her? It’s not kind. All kinds of stages are hard and I wouldn’t begrudge anyone offering or accepting help at any point. I also think it’s fine to turn down requests like this (and I think the organisers haven’t in this case really thought it through). And it’s legitimate to think about other groups of people who might need help. But the OP is objecting on hygiene or dietary requirements grounds, just on the grounds that if she didn’t have/need help no one else should either and I think that is unfair.

IvinghoeBeacon · 09/01/2020 09:59

But the OP ISN’T objecting on hygiene or dietary requirements grounds...

woodchuck99 · 09/01/2020 10:06

How would she feel if someone who found the stage she is at now much easier said this to her?

She isn't saying that to anyone though is she? She's just thinking it and given that it's harder for her now that is why she doesn't want to do it. It's easy to say that she can just refuse but if she has being added to a group and asked to do it and everyone else in the group is agreeing to do it then she will for pressurised especially if this is not the first time and that's not fair.

IvinghoeBeacon · 09/01/2020 10:10

She is saying to other people - new parents are on here. They are getting that message even if people in the direct community aren’t.

I’ve already said that I don’t think the organisers have the right idea here and yes I would feel put upon and would feel irritated about having to refuse, it’s only natural. But the “why should others get help when I didn’t/don’t” attitude (which many other posters have displayed) is an unkind one

woodchuck99 · 09/01/2020 10:17

But the “why should others get help when I didn’t/don’t” attitude (which many other posters have displayed) is an unkind one

I took it more as "I didn't need help so other new mums generally don't need help either"

TildaKauskumholm · 09/01/2020 10:17

Hasn't anyone on the WhatsApp group asked why the FATHERS of the new babies are unable to provide/prepare food for their own household? Surely two adults who are responsible enough to have a child should be able to manage this?

Insaneinthemembury · 09/01/2020 10:25

@tilda when my second was born he was a terrible sleeper. DH was only on leave for 1 week after he was born and did night feeds, looked after our other DC, the dogs, the house...

When my folk from my church turned up with a 3 course meal, wine and flowers we could have kissed them

Some of my friends from church also emptied the dishwasher, helped with laundry, helped with the dogs

To this day I will never forget their generosity. It takes a village.

IvinghoeBeacon · 09/01/2020 10:27

“ I took it more as "I didn't need help so other new mums generally don't need help either"”

Fair enough, but it was expressed rather more strongly than that as “make your own fecking food”. And you must admit it’s a big assumption? There will be people who didn’t/don’t cope in the same way with those challenges and there’s no need to make them feel like crap. Just as there will be people who wouldn’t find the OP’s current situation so difficult, and there’s no need for them to be unkind to her about it

IvinghoeBeacon · 09/01/2020 10:30

“ Hasn't anyone on the WhatsApp group asked why the FATHERS of the new babies are unable to provide/prepare food for their own household? Surely two adults who are responsible enough to have a child should be able to manage this?”

This is one of the things I feel like the organisers have probably expressed badly and not thought through. But I don’t think it’s a reason not to take food to friends and family with new babies in principle, as my social/family group often does. It’s kind to be kind.

Insaneinthemembury · 09/01/2020 10:31

Oh and I was in hospital longer than planned with no family near by, without the kindness from them I dont know how hed have coped

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 09/01/2020 10:32

Do you know what I’d have found much more helpful with a newborn? Someone to do the morning school run for older DC. Afternoon school run wouldn’t be needed. Just morning. Where I live you’re almost guaranteed to have someone going past your door on the way to any one of the local primary schools so it would be less effort than making a meal and having to do 2 separate journeys to drop it off and pick up the dishes.

woodchuck99 · 09/01/2020 10:38

And you must admit it’s a big assumption? There will be people who didn’t/don’t cope in the same way with those challenges and there’s no need to make them feel like crap.

I don't think it is a big assumption that most new mums don't need this kind of help and that setting up a group to provide meals seems rather unnecessary in this day and age. Obviously there will be exceptions hence the word "generally" but it would be better to help those people on a case-by-case basis.

IvinghoeBeacon · 09/01/2020 10:52

“ most new mums don't need this kind of help and that setting up a group to provide meals seems rather unnecessary in this day and age”

I have said that the group is misguided. But the OP’s response isn’t along the lines that you have said, which is reasonable, but “make your own fecking food”, which is unkind

blubelle7 · 09/01/2020 10:53

In each of my pregnancies I batch cooked and froze food before I gave birth. I made sure i did my shopping beforehand and had an online shop of fresh fruit and veg delivered weekly for the 6 weeks while I was healing. Organisation is key. It's doable

Oooooooooooooooooooh · 09/01/2020 10:57

I wouldn’t eat anything made by randoms. YANBU.

blubelle7 · 09/01/2020 11:00

Dietary restrictions and allergies make this a minefield. Different from cooking for a friend or family member. Also the fact that some people consider washing their kitchen towels in one go with their underwear, means I wouldn't accept food from someone's kitchen as people have different ideas of hygiene and what clean is

IvinghoeBeacon · 09/01/2020 11:04

We batch cooked and planned food shops too (actually my husband does most of the cooking so he did it). We were still very grateful to those loved-ones who were kind and thoughtful enough to bring a meal when they came to visit the baby. It wasn’t expected, but it was gratefully accepted. It meant that all the batch-cooked frozen food lasted longer, which was helpful later on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a meal to parents of newborns. I am sure that, for most people, it is of some help. I do think this group thing is misguided - apart from anything else I have only made food for people whose tastes and dietary requirements I know, so I can cook accordingly, and I know that they will welcome it rather than be embarrassed because I would hate to put them in that position.

Insaneinthemembury · 09/01/2020 11:09

I ended up in hospital and my mums an alcoholic who hasnt spoken to me in 5 years.
It's great some peoples specific situations mean they dont need help. My specific circumstance meant that when my church helped I was so bloody grateful.

Some of the dishes were incredible too- the meal planning app allows ppl to see so you dont end up with lasagne every night. We had salmon brought by my good friend one night and it was the nicest thing iv ever eaten!
They even brought presents for my older DC so he didnt feel left out!

Hepsibar · 09/01/2020 11:25

OMG sounds like a "Little Women" syndrome, out helping the Humbles who cant manage ...

Just leave the group, explaining if you feel you want to, to the organiser that you have too much on yourself to take on additional tasks. You may want to restate any things you do like/are able to take on/part in.

sh13 · 09/01/2020 12:28

@WorldsOnFire

“I’m just pregnant “ you sound like one of them people that claims pregnancy “isn’t an illness “ some people have horrific pregnancy’s and can barely move, spd- health conditions . Maybe they can’t batch cook?

@okiedokieme
Why’s it a competition ? were all different no pregnancy or newborn are the same. You sound horrible

WorldsOnFire · 09/01/2020 14:51

@sh13

Not sure if you’ve seen any of my other posts but I’ve suffered debilitating HG, been signed off work for months and hospitalised on several occasions. I’m far from someone who thinks pregnancy ‘isn’t an illness’ but at the same time I’m capable of ordering freezer food and having it delivered to my home.

It’s also pretty rare that even the worst pregnancies are debilitating 100% of the time. And during rare ‘better’ patches I can make plain meals like pasta and freeze them.

Unless someone is on complete bed rest then they’re capable of collecting enough food to last them through the newborn stage and certainly not ‘worse off’ than a working mother with several small children and no free time!

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 09/01/2020 14:57

It takes a village.

Absolutely. And kindness is important. It sounds like this is an opt-in systems for all involved (new parents and the cooks) in which case, why not? You don't want to be involved, don't be.

Agree that some of the responses on this are horrendous and sadly really show what kind of a society we live in.

Insaneinthemembury · 09/01/2020 14:58

But the new born stage IS hard! I run my own business, DH is away 4 days a week, I've got 2 young kids. Life is busy.
BUT I am not recovering from birth! I felt like I'd been hit by a truck after labour. I was anaemic and breast feeding every hour for the first 3 weeks (he literally didnt really stop due to slow weight gain). Hormones all over the shop, hardly getting any sleep.

I am FAR more capable of making meals now than after birth!

I was so pleased I had fresh, nutritious meals brought to me by lovely people who then volunteered to help with chores.

Their kindness will always stay with me.

soulasylum · 09/01/2020 15:23

Yeah this is ridiculous OP, I'm not surprised you're annoyed by it! I mean if you had the time to do it then fair enough but you have to put your own family first. YANBU.