Being asked to make meals for new mums

[Paquitalaflor]

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

Or just another idea if you want to save face and overloading the mother's freezer with ready meals, suggest doing a box of canned/household items.

In those early days you forget stuff like bin bags, washing up liquid, shampoo, toothpaste etc and beans, soup, pasta and pasta sauce, porridge oats and maybe throw in some (definitely) biscuits. If everyone donated a couple of items from Lidl's it would soon make a very handy care box....

I made loads of lovely meals for us (as did dh) in advance and stocked the freezer with them. And then the fucking freezer broke down. And then the birth was traumatic and I was physically poorly for months and emotionally traumatised for years. So I didn't have the luxury of being sniffy at offers of cooked meals. Which was lucky because I didn't get any.

Oh FFS! How difficult is it to make two extra portions of whatever your making? It isn’t, you just don’t want to, which is your prerogative but be grown up enough to say it. The conscious objection bullshit is as self serving as the supposed do goods of the group you’re railing against.

Did you know that even if you give food away you can be tried under food safety offences if you make someone ill? I know this is the case for charity events. I'm unsure if cooking a dinner for one family falls under this remit. On this basis (grey area) alone I would decline.

YABVU. You seem very bitter about your personal experience. No need to take that out on others by getting all offended at the notion of doing something nice for someone else.

And the family wouldn't have to find space in their freezer for 16 meals, that would be ridiculous and unhelpful. You're supposed to agree a day and time with the family you're supporting to bring one meal round. So over a week the family might have 3 or 4 days where they don't need to worry about food.

If you don't want to participate that's fine but no need to be so horrible about it.

you are not being unreasonable not wanting to do it. IT's cheeky to add you when you had already said no

yabu to be so bothered by the concept of other people doing it.

How many men/fathers were added to the group chat, out of interest, or is this a labour only expected of women/mums?

And elderly people aren't? They don't get to be picky or have likes and dislikes or religious preferences? Perhaps there aren't so many elderly vegetarians, but are you saying gluten intolerance really is just some young people's fad?

What the hell are you on about? I’m not referring to age groups, I’m referring to the general principle of cooking food for strangers. I never mentioned elderly people in my post yet you have plucked that out of other people’s comments and are now trying to desperately imply I’m being ageist. Lol.
I’m saying one reason not to cook strangers meals is because you don’t know what their dietary requirements might be - that applies to ANY STRANGER, young, old, whatever. So, nice try but no, I never said older people couldn’t be vegetarians or gluten intolerant so you can take your straw man argument and jog along.

@nothernsoullover. You are correct. A friend of mine offered to make meals for the homeless and was told by council to get a hygiene cert. It's fine to make a meal for a friend but as soon as it gets turned into somthing /organised by groups of people, offering a service to someone they don't know then you need to be careful.

If you don't want to do this, don't. It's been suggested as a helpful thing to do, it's not an order.

It's good that you were able to cope when your DC were newborn. Not everyone is the same as you. I would have absolutely welcomed if someone had done this for me as I was one of the new mothers who did struggle.

I am wondering though, if your response to this, which I do think is unreasonable and OTT, is down to your own levels of stress at the moment. You sound a bit overwhelmed? I think if you are able to look at ways you can possible reduce stress in your own life and what support networks you have yourself, you would be less bothered by the suggestion that people support others.,

I agree that meals would be better being supplied to some elderly and people who had taken ill suddenly, or had accidents. Surely new Mums, in most cases, could have been organised before the babies arrived.

YANBU

There is a vast difference between cooking for family and friends then there is for cooking for strangers.

I would throw away foods cooked by strangers. I don't know how clean their homes are so no I wouldn't eat it so it would be wasted.

As far as I'm concerned that if you are responsible enough to get pregnant then you are responsible to sort out your own food requirements after you have a baby. And there are so many more choices to have food available. You can freeze your own meals, buy ready meals or even use many of the companies who specialise in ready made meals.

Yanbu. For one there is so much good preprepared food at the supermarket these days there is really no need for it. OK those TV dinner type ready meals can be a bit blah, but there's plenty of really nice lasagnes, pies, curries, soups, marinated meats etc available. The parents to be could just stock up on those if they want that type of food.

Also they've had nine months! If they wanted they could have done some batch cooking. I batch cooked before my dc was born, but then after the birth I found I shouldn't have bothered. I had plenty of time to make fresh dinners. If anything I was looking for something to do.

And I agree with pps that it has a sexist edge if done for a heterosexual couple. It suggests people think that if the wife may not feel up to cooking daily, the family will all starve. After all, who else could possibly do it?

YANBU

I’m about to be a first time mum and I don’t want food made by strangers thanks 👍🏻
It’s a kind idea but I’m perfectly capable of batch cooking for me/DH now and freezing it. I mean it’s not like I have other kids to take care of right now. I’m literally just pregnant.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with freezer food and super quick meals like beans/eggs on toast. I don’t expect we’ll starve because of a new born.

I’d personally much rather they took up a more worthy initiative, like donating food for those who are struggling...etc

Yanbu I managed with an autistic toddler, a newborn, no relatives and a h working 60 + hours a week. No internet shopping then! People today are entitled IMO

@AmaryllisNightAndDay the risk to new mums in particular is that they have another person wholly dependant on them. Them being out of action for 24-48hrs food poisoning could entirely de-rail early BF'ing for example not to mention it could be passed onto baby easily (as already stated obviously not through them eating the food).

OP was feeling pressured into cooking for new mums when she has various reasons she feels unable, and feeling she couldn't leave the group she was added to for fear of being made to look horrible. Food hygiene concerns is a valid factual reason for her to excuse herself. Seems daft to focus on worrying about what ifs (eg she'd be more inclined cook for elderly in future IF she did something like this) when doesn't sound like she has time for either new mums or elderly any time soon from her posts.

It is a nice idea to cook for anyone vulnerable or struggling in a community, but kindness could turn into dangerous if those involved were not properly educated on preparation, transport and storage of food. I prefer donating to a food bank instead personally.

YANBU.
Its a nice concept until you look closer at nitty gritty.
I'm due number 2 in May so when I do cottage pie, I make a second for the freezer now...this way I know there's nothing in it that will make anyone (mainly my husband) I'll due to dietary requirements that outside of family very few know anything about.

I do see that it's a way to make contact with new mums who.may be feeling alone and vulnerable but not sure meals is a great way to go.

Yanbu I managed with an autistic toddler, a newborn, no relatives and a h working 60 + hours a week. No internet shopping then! People today are entitled IMO

Well whoop de doo for you. Your medal is in the post.

I hate this attitude that ‘i suffered so others shouldnt get any help’.

It’s unempathetic at such a profound level. Shouldn’t we be trying to make things better for people?

I certainly never expected anything but I was very grateful to the handful of friends and family who turned up to visit the baby with a lasagne or some samosas etc. I have done the same in return, though I probably wouldn’t get involved in a wider community effort as I would find the commitment a bit of a struggle. But you can just politely say no to that, it’s no big deal.

What I don’t understand is the “I suffered, so why shouldn’t everyone else?” attitude. It’s just so mean-spirited. I have coped with various challenges alone where it would have been lovely to have support that wasn’t available, and I have also coped with challenges without needing to access support that was available. But why would I begrudge anyone trying to make things easier for someone else? Why would you want to be someone who feels that way?

@Russellbrandshair see you're having the same person cherry pick random bits out of your posts to try to twist out of context to derail off to a tangent about the elderly...

Wow I'll have a 1yr3m old and a newborn soon can someone come make meals for me please

Kidding... I agree with PPs that something like this would be MUCH more suitable being done for the elderly and sick.

I think the hygiene, food safety and dietary requirement concerns are completely valid, and as I have said I also wouldn’t choose to be involved in something like this, but it’s a bit disingenuous really in the context of the OP, who with this comment really just seems to want other people not to have help because she didn’t:

“ BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?”

If someone really wants to support new mums they can train to be a Home Start volunteer, a breastfeeding peer-supporter (BfN, ABM or La Leche League) or an NCT volunteer. Or donate to those organisations.

YANBU. I'm about to become a new mum and would hate having this foisted upon me.

YADNBU. If the new parents that chose to have a baby didn't want to cook when it was here, they should have batch cooked and filled their freezer before it arrived.

Just leave the group.

Yeah, new parents eh, why should anyone do anything nice for them, the fuckers

While I think the idea itself is misguided, the tone of some of these responses is horrible