Being asked to make meals for new mums

[Paquitalaflor]

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

How very American suburb-like!

It is very American, yes. We like to take care of each other.

You don't get 16 meals delivered in one day that you have to find space for in your freezer. Someone goes to a website like mealtrain.com and sets up the meal train, then everyone signs up for different days, and drops the food off on those days.

There are instructions about allergies and any other requests. The recipients usually leave a cooler outside their door for the food to be left in.

If you don't want to take part there's no pressure to do so.

It's not just new parents - also families where one parent is ill, where someone has died, where someone has just had surgery.

We sign up for other tasks too - shovelling walkways after snowstorms, ploughing driveways, helping get siblings to school, etc.

I was lucky my mother was willing and able to come and look after us in those newborn haze days. She made sure OH was eating...

Is your OH a child?

@AmaryllisNightAndDay at no point did I say she was making food for the baby. Having recently had a new baby, the last thing I'd have wanted is potential food poisoning from eg incorrectly prepared or stored food no matter how kind the intention.

I’d be wondering why they suddenly can’t cook or their partners not be able to assist if needed. I certainly wouldn’t be cooking for someone else and neither would I want someone to for me. I don’t like handmade food items though unless I know the person and their hygiene levels.

@HoldMyLobster that sounds lovely! I have American reatives and they've said similar, it's normal to help out your neighbours and community.

@HoldMyLobster what you describe sounds brilliant. A proper community organised thing that everyone can benefit from/help with according to needs/abilities/availability.

@HoldMyLobster this is what my church does! My mum's an alcoholic and other family live far away.

The help we got after the birth of my second in particular was the difference between sinking and swimming! Il never forget their generosity, it blew me away.
One guy walked in the snow for a mile to deliver a meal, we did tell him not to!

YANBU I was once added to a WhatsApp group aiming to provide food for a young family where the mother was going through chemo. They had very specific vegetarian, no dairy requirements. I'd never met or even knew of the family. While it's a very kind thing for someone to offer to do I don't why they feel the need to try and get everyone they know involved in their giving

I'm surprised that people can get worked up about this or think it's about the giver. Presumably its optional. When I've made meals for people (as part of a group - I did know them all) I was just trying to repay what people had done for me. Also they were asked if they wanted meals, and any dietary requirements.( we did get a lot of cottage pies!)
I think being a new mum can be really lonely especially if your friends are working (and you haven't yet established "mum" friends with similarly aged children)
In previous generations I think there was more SAHMs and people generally lived closer to their mum or other family who might help out.

Mumsnet really is a pit of vipers

My local church arranges meals for people who have had babies, bereavement, major illnesses etc. Its voluntary on both sides - you don't have to either accept or offer food, and everyone will check when its convenient to drop off or leave outside.

Yes, its possible to cook and shop and clean, but its a lovely gesture when you're in upheaval and sleep deprived, and generally reciprocated in time when circumstances allow. No one expects someone with their hands full to feed others, but as and when you feel able its nice to give back.

It's a really nice gesture.

When my DP died in September the local church brought round a meal every evening for two weeks. They had a rota, would drop it round, hot, at around 6pm, then the next days person would collect the crockery and take it back to the person who did the day before.

It was invaluable tbh.

We also played Come Dine With Me and marked their efforts out of 10. Brought some humour on an otherwise horrendous time.

I thought at the time and have since that I'd like to repay the favour. I'm not a member of a church though.

@WireBrushAndDettolMaam people are more likely to do it for new mothers than elderly people because new mothers are more likely to put a public thanks on social media so everyone will know they did it 😂

A friend or relative dropping in a favourite meal is different to someone trying to coordinate a large group of strangers to donate cooking.
Imagine being at home with a newborn and dealing with an endless flow of visitors insisting you eat their food and having all the washing up, remembering whose crockery is whose and then having the task of returning it all. Fuck that!
Part of preparing for a newborn is stocking up, preparing freezer meals in advance etc

because new mothers are more likely to put a public thanks on social media so everyone will know they did it

yep!

YANBU, it's the 21st century. Haven't they heard of online delivery and ready meals? Not that I ever had to resort to that tbh, and I had twins! Even my family didn't offer meals. If anyone offered to help I asked them to mind the babies while I had a shower, did some washing or ran the hoover round - much more helpful than foisting food on people imo.

Blimey, what a fuss.

Do you know these new mums? Why are you being asked to cook for 'first-time mums'? Are they all single parents or is there an assumption that their men can't possible be in charge of cooking for a few weeks. It's never been easier for new parents - online shopping, ready meals or in my world, men that cook!

I would personally hate to be given a load of food cooked by relative strangers. Not the same as for a bereaved neighbour at all. Unless she was a close friend, I'd think the organiser a busy body. I hope they at least ask the potential recipients if it's something they would like done for them and don't just presume.

On my local area fb page there are a few groups who often initiate projects and ideas to try to help people in care homes, many living with dementia. There have been toddler dance groups visiting, carol singing, people sponsoring the residents to go to the theatre etc. At no point have I thought the person suggesting it is in it for the glory or feel-good factor....

Same here Dementedmagpie.

“... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?“

not all newborns are easy , mine barely slept and I was a state. I needed looking after as I could barely move after my emcs/infection/ hemmorage
I think your being abit harsh about it but you do have a lot on your plate so don’t think you should be asked to join in with making meals.

Just say no if you don’t want to do it. Somebody is trying to be helpful. It’s not the end of the world...

I've taken part in similar set ups before a couple of times, and whilst I've made the required meal and been friendly about it I do admit to secretly feeling a bit miffed. The families we were cooking for all have two parents, plus family support locally whilst we have none, so I did quietly get annoyed They weren't close friends, which would obviously be different. In future I've decided I will only take part if its actual friends of ours not just acquaintances, as in because I want to not because I'm guilted into it by being added to a WhatsApp group

I didn't mind at all the time it was organised for parents of a poorly premature baby, as obviously the family were going through something very difficult and stressful so I could see why it was needed... but being asked to cook for two perfectly capable adults I don't really know? Nope, I've got enough on my plate

Don’t think I could eat a meal a stranger prepared at home - also ready meals and quick food is easy to make. Also a lot of people don’t have freezer space.

I AGREE WITH YOU!! I think it’s weird to be cooking meals for someone you barely know simply because they chose to have a baby. Firstly, I know lots of people with kids who had tons of family help that it would have almost been insulting to being round a lasagne. Secondly, how the heck do you even know what they like to eat? They might be gluten intolerant, vegetarian, have religious food preferences, or they might just be really picky about what they like to eat! Imagine spending all afternoon cooking for someone only for them to throw it in the bin after you’ve left?!
Plus I agree with you- I’m too bloody busy and I have enough on my own plate to cope with.
If people want to help that’s great. But if I felt in anyway like I was being pressured or like people were trying to guilt trip me into it, I’d be deleting that group pronto.

Good gravy op lives in a village how many women do you think are all giving birth at once? I don't think op lives in Midwich!

Don’t be facetious - you knew exactly what I meant, any number of factors could be at play that would mean someone may really benefit from some kindness. Heaven forbid.

The snobbery on this thread that people can even afford takeaway or cook meals (they’re not exactly cheap) and heaven forbid communities provide a bit of support to a new mum. I know I know she’s ONLY A NEW MUM, and you all were down the mines with baby in a sling after the doing the school run and before your iron man 3 days after a c section with no pain relief but some people could do with some help! If you think it‘a a shit idea don’t get involved but this idea women should just get over it and not need any help because it’s ‘just a new baby’ is really unpleasant.