Being asked to make meals for new mums

[Paquitalaflor]

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

It's perfectly reasonable for you to decline to involved.

I think it's a lovely idea though. Quite a few people gave us food when my baby was born, and I was touched. It's an exhausting time and it helped

It's a nice idea if it's something the recipient wants.
If it isn't then it's just do-gooding foisted on someone just because it makes the giver feel superior.

If it was a recognised thing in the village for all vulnerable people, with agreed rules and people signing up for it both givijg and receiving then fine. If it's just some scheme dreamt up by one person with no insight into how to run it or get the recipients permission to have strangers knocking in thier door with food they may not want then it's crap.

It sounds like it was very hard for you to cook and look after yourself and your children after a c-section, OP. Why complain about an action that is designed to ease that for other people? I understand that you aren't in a position to contribute right now, but is completely different to criticising the entire effort.

We do this in our church and I do find it annoying sometimes. I had made meals for people with new babies for years and when I had mine I got none. (my son is 16 and I'm still bitter about that LOL)

I'm not sure I'd want to find a random casserole on my doorstop from someone in the village. But if I knew a great casserole maker (aside from Mr Marks and Spencer) I'd probably suggest a frozen one would make a great pressie. And i'd certainly pop a few of my curries in the freezer of a new parent.
With a colicky newborn and two rather young inexperienced parents, dh and I lived off 'Chinese'. Unfortunately we were also skint so our Chinese was a bag of microwave rice with a Pot Noodle on top. Sandwich Night was my favourite.

@Gammeldragz could not agree more! Doing it for the elderly and sometimes very lonely, now that would actually mean something. But that is not what those people arranging these things care about. At all.

I wouldn’t even want random people’s homecooked food on my doorstep.

Just say I don't have a food hygiene certificate qualification and would not feel comfortable preparing food for people, especially those with newborns, in case I unwittingly gave them something. Sorry.

Leave group, may pave the way for others to also use the same excuse!

YANBU. I don’t have the time or money to feed someone else. As the recipient I wouldn’t eat food cooked by random people in their home kitchens with unknown hygiene standards. It’s fine if it’s organised between people who want to cook and people who are willing to eat it. Personally I’d prefer a food delivery service to be paid for via a whip round - at least I’d eat it.

What if you got the Mexican take on lasagne from Dead to Me. With raisins.

I think it's a nice thing for an individual to do for another individual.

Dragging a range of villagers into it is just something to say 'ive got so and so a little gift already but thanks for the suggestion' and exit the group.

Oh my goodness my Dad cooked up a storm when DS1 was born (he retired early and loves to meddle if he can - cookery keeps him busy). He probably cooked 90% of our meals for the first year of DS1's life and I will be eternally thankful - it was a gorgeous gesture and I maintain that DS1's great eating habits are partly down to my Dad, who used to hire out Annabel Karmel's books from the library and bring over all kinds of stuff he'd put together.

I'd join in with a scheme like this for new Mums nearby - being a new parent can be exhausting and if there's a chance to be kind, I like to think I'd take it.

You are lucky your baby slept all day. Mine was unwell for months and didn't sleep well. Any help in any way was massively appreciated.

I would have felt bad if they were forced into it.

No-one is being forced, the OP only has to say no. I don't suppose she'll find herself inside the Wicker Man.

As the recipient I wouldn’t eat food cooked by random people in their home kitchens with unknown hygiene standards.

I m grateful for my immune system which functions normally and enables me to eat food cooked in most other people's homes, even without a certificate. If I were immunocompromised or had anxiety issues, or if I knew that the random people had abnormally poor food hygeine, then that would be a problem. But for most new Mums, it isn't.

Personally I’d prefer a food delivery service to be paid for via a whip round - at least I’d eat it.

Then I guess you don't watch the Food Inspectors . But of course they are also exceptional.

say I don't have a food hygiene certificate qualification and would not feel comfortable preparing food for people, especially those with newborns, in case I unwittingly gave them something.

She's not making foor for the baby and the same worry applies to old people. She'd better not say that in case word gets around. She really can just say no!

I’ve taken a cake/bottle of wine/babygro round to a friend as an excuse for a shameless newborn baby cuddle before now but geez - 2 DC’s and no one rocked up with a cooked dinner for me

I haven’t got time to be doing all that, I’ve also got kids/work/husband away etc. Seems like a ‘do-gooder’ thing to me. Politely ignore the group chat (they’ll all spot it if you leave) and it’ll blow over. Maybe they’ve got the spare time to do this but it doesn’t mean you have to.

I think it is a nice thought and some of the mums will really appreciate it, but not everyone needs to be involved. They should have asked you before adding you. But all you need to do is write a nice friendly message saying that you think it is a lovely idea but you are afraid you are too busy at the moment, sorry. I don't think the rage is justified!

YANBU at all OP. I hate this new trend that demands we all bow down at the altar of new mothers. It’s become a huge performance both for the new mothers and the friends who are vying for the “best helper” award. I have elderly neighbours who could benefit far more from a community WhatsApp group organising daily meals for them but I can only imagine the response if I started adding people to a group and suggesting they all start doing that.

The reality is most people manage perfectly well with those they have already around them. Make a meal for a close friend if that’s something you would already think of doing. I’ve done it and I’ve had it done. But nobody needs the community version of the PTA organising everyone on their behalf.

I'd just reply saying something like "they've only had a baby, I'm sure they'll be ok to cook for themselves 😂"

Just say no! bloody virtue signalling do-gooders

From experience, there will be a rota, and people will "volunteer" to provide fresh meals on certain days - so as obviously not to overwhelm the recipient's fridge/freezer.

I think it is a lovely idea, and many churches or other close-knit groups routinely do this sort of thing, to help out people in their community.

In this case though, it sounds as if there isn't a cohesive group as such, rather than some randoms in the village. So I can see this will be less likely to be successful. However, assuming the recipients have agreed, and the volunteers are genuinely volunteering, then it is a GOOD thing to do. As with all volunteering, it is optional, and if the PP is not comfortable with the request, she just has to not take part. If she says she's busy, perhaps the group will offer her a casserole or two as well. lol.

This is definitely about the person organising it and not about the recipients! I certainly wouldn't participate.

It's the norm where I am from. It was super helpful when we had a second child in particular.

I'd have been pissed off if a load of villagers started knocking on my door with food when ds was a baby. Was either sat with my boobs out or napping. Or a combination of both on bad days. I was more than capable of wanging a dinner ding in. DH was also more than capable of cooking. And even dd at 9 was capable of making something to eat for me and her when dh was working away.

I often have leftover sunday dinner (not eaten, just stuff not dished out) and would love to find a way to offer it to some of the elderly folk who live in the bungalows at the end of our estate but don't really know them and knocking in the door and saying 'oh you look old and hungry, would you like some roast chicken?' seems a bit bonkers 😂😂😂

I was lucky my mother was willing and able to come and look after us in those newborn haze days. She made sure OH was eating, while I was in the hospital. (if i didn't have any family to do this for me, I would have been grateful for other community member to help us, but not everybody has a close-knit family).

I’ve already said I wouldn’t have wanted food bringing round - DH was perfectly capable of cooking for us, or actually I generally cooked when he got home while he held the Velcro baby as I was totally touched out by evening... but actually if a friend had cooked a lasagne that could have been popped in the oven by me then I could have escaped to the bedroom for a nap or to read while DH had held the baby, I think that would have helped my PND immensely. I still think YANBU to dislike being volunteered but I do think YABU to be so scathing of people who might appreciate a bit of help after they’ve had a baby.