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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked to make meals for new mums

508 replies

Paquitalaflor · 08/01/2020 11:04

Feel free to crucify me but I am irked. I have been added to a Whats app group by someone local in my village, along with about 16 other people, asking us to make meals (fresh, freezable, etc) for some new first time mums in the village. I have been asked this before and mentioned that with a full time job, two kids of my own and regularly being on my own as my husband travels a lot, I struggle to cook meals for my own family, let alone someone else's. I offered up a bag of chicken dippers and everyone laughed at my drollness.

BUT ACTUALLY.... JUST MAKE YOUR OWN FECKING FOOD!!! It isn't hard! When I had a newborn and a two year old and my husband was working away and I could hardly walk due to a nasty c-section that woudn't heal, I made my own food! I had food delivered to my house, some of it was fresh ingredients, some of it was ready meals, some of it was delivered on a moped. Literally no one in the village offered me food and if they did, I would feel a bit weird about it.

In this day and age, it isn't hard to source food. Will you be tired?! Yes. Will your other children eat fewer vegetables than they should? Probably yes. But christ alive, that is what parenting and motherhood is..... I would rather be offered food now when there is work and school and activities, rather than when they slept most of the day and we all had nothing else to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
dorisdog · 08/01/2020 15:35

I usually hate how gendered this kind of thing is. I'm going to guess that it's only or mainly women being asked to take part and give their labour for free.

pumpandthump · 08/01/2020 15:36

I think it's a really lovely thing to do. We do it at my church and I have made meals and had meals made. We aim to provide a hot meal per day for 2 weeks. We ask mum if she wants it 2 weeks after baby is born or the first 2 weeks when dad is back at work/ any more helpful time.

I wouldn't think anything of someone not joining in, for whatever reason and we still do it for those who don't/ haven't/ won't participate.

katy1213 · 08/01/2020 15:37

I wouldn't fancy eating meals from random neighbours who may/may not be able to cook, and may/may not have clean kitchens.
Recently bereaved friend was rather overwhelmed by kindly-meant casseroles and I fear many ended up in the bin.

neverornow · 08/01/2020 15:40

It's nice to be nice. Whoever set up the group was just trying to be kind. It's a lovely idea. No reason to be so shitty. And you might need some support yourself from the same people some day...

If you're too busy to cook why not offer to chip in £5 towards ingredients to someone who is happy to cook something

Ballygowenwater · 08/01/2020 15:43

How many newborns are in your village? Was there some sort of village fete 9 months ago where everyone got pregnant? Or is this all for one particular mother?

Newbie1981 · 08/01/2020 15:45

Weird if they're not your friends. I did that for mine but wouldn't have done if someone bloody told me to!

Jaxhog · 08/01/2020 15:52

Wow! Its fine to volunteer by choice, but being told you will be doing it is totally U. (And being 'asked' in some situations feels like being told i.e. shamed if you don't)

Willow2017 · 08/01/2020 15:56

Some of those new mums will be lone parents, have no family support, have a DH/P who works away, have had a traumatic birth, be struggling with PND - not worthy of kindness, no?
Good gravy op lives in a village how many women do you think are all giving birth at once? I don't think op lives in Midwich!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 16:00

If you're too busy to cook why not offer to chip in £5 towards ingredients to someone who is happy to cook something because why the hell should she. For all she knows £3 of that will go on ingredients to make food for a family with more money than her and £2 pocketed by the master mind of this plan.

If you want to be generous give £5 to a charity, buy food for a foodbank...this idea of mothers being in need because they are mothers is farcical

formerbabe · 08/01/2020 16:02

It's nice to be nice

Yes, women are always being told to be nice. The op has two dc, a husband who works away a lot and a full time job. I'm sure she has enough on her plate without cooking for women who are at home all day or even a couple who are at home all day if the dad is on paternity leave.

Inherdefence · 08/01/2020 16:04

It’s a nice thing to do.

Someone In our neighbourhood had a stroke recently. It left his partner juggling fulltime work with hospital visits and taking care of their young family. Someone at the local church spoke to his wife and then put out an appeal for people to cook a meal for them everyday. There was an online spreadsheet on which we could enter the days and dishes we wanted to contribute. There was also a rota so people who wanted to cook but didn’t drive could have their meal collected and delivered. No one was forced to participate but between those people who wanted to join in they managed to ensure they had a fresh meal every day for nearly two months. It wasn’t a big deal for anyone involved but it made a huge difference to that family. I know the wife slightly and she has told me how grateful she was, not just for the food but just knowing how much good will and support there was for her and her DH (who is home and getting better slowly).

Dementedmagpie · 08/01/2020 16:05

I really appreciated meals when a group from a local church did this when DC2 was born (we did have to freeze a lot!) I joined the group and reciprocated the offer when I could.it wasn't compulsory you just offered if you could help. Another time when friends have been having a hard time (and I have been short on time) I've taken them vouchers or a ready made meal for their family.
Although obviously in MN world half the people wouldnt be able to eat anything not prepared in their own kitchen for fear of germs/worms/dogs/cats/headlice/bogies/parrot poo etc!Hmm

TheoneandObi · 08/01/2020 16:09

Yanbu
And frankly is the person who made the request quite certain the new mums actually want food cooked for them? The very last thing I'd have wanted was someone else's tastes foisted on me after giving birth.
Am shuddering at the thought!

LannieDuck · 08/01/2020 16:30

Sexist bullshit. It's an extension of wifework.

Why have no men been asked? My DH does all the cooking for our family, why assume it's always the woman that cooks?

Cohle · 08/01/2020 16:40

I'm sure she has enough on her plate without cooking for women who are at home all day or even a couple who are at home all day if the dad is on paternity leave.

Then she can say no. It was a request not a three line whip. If the OP feels too awkward to say no maybe she should consider why that is.

Drum2018 · 08/01/2020 16:43

@Inherdefence that's a completely different scenario though.

Stabilos · 08/01/2020 16:46

I get the feeling this village is like the town in Travis' Flowers in the Window video. Just how many new mothers can there be?

oldncold · 08/01/2020 16:46

Do you live in the Village of the Damned ?

SpruceTree · 08/01/2020 16:48

You don't have to do it but it's a lovely thing to do.
After I had my babies, lots of people from my church made meals for me. I was really grateful and it was a big help. I remember one particular lovely lady who actually brought them round all hot and ready to serve - I actually cried with happiness as I had 4 kids under 4. She had to drive quite a way too as we live rurally.
I returned the favour when others had babies.
Why not be nice to others? It makes them feel loved. It's not difficult - i just made double quantities and put them in foil trays and froze them.

1forAll74 · 08/01/2020 17:00

Oh dear, a sign of the times, Whats Apps and new Mums who can't be bothered to cook. Meals on wheels is great for those who are oldies,or are disabled etc, but not meals in prams for new Mums.

GabriellaMontez · 08/01/2020 17:01

Yanbu to not join in. Totally understand.

Yabu to be unkind about the people organising it. Just because you had a hard time. There are always women like you. Wanting to keep things as hard for other women as it was for them instead of being supportive.

Theres no reason to think these new mums aren't grateful. Just because you wouldn't be.

Juliette20 · 08/01/2020 17:04

Just leave the group. I wouldn't do this either, but if someone I knew had a new baby and was struggling I would take some food round.

doadeer · 08/01/2020 17:05

I agree. I don't remember it being an issue to cook and eat with my baby. Are they single mums? I think I just ate lots of soups and salads and stir frys, filled pasta, toasties... Normal things that took 10 mins.

I personally wouldn't want to eat something from someone I didn't know... It's different eating at a restaurant which has hygiene standards.

It would be different if it was a friend.

I think it's a nice idea and community spirit is lovely but this personally would have been wasted on me

Babybel90 · 08/01/2020 17:23

Honestly if I was one of the mums I wouldn’t want someone else’s cooking, I’ve got allergies and god knows how clean their kitchen is or if they’ve got cats that wander around the work tops or lick their fingers and touch the food Envy (not envy).

When DD was born a friend came round with an M&S meal deal, now that was appreciated!

When my grandmother died people kept bringing food to my grandad, which he kept putting in the bin and returning the empty plates, he was perfectly capable of cooking for himself and didn’t want to eat what someone else had decided he should.

I think this is the kind of thing people do when they want to look good rather than do good.

Dementedmagpie · 08/01/2020 17:27

Maybe I'm a snowflake or lazy but I did struggle when I had DC 2 and had PND and I was grateful for people bringing meals and cake although I would have felt bad if they were forced into it.
DH is self employed and took 2 days parental leave so he wasn't at home.
By this token no one elses DH should take more than 2 days parental leave because mine did!