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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling birthday party attendance as punishment.

147 replies

Pascha · 08/01/2020 07:22

I've just had a message from a mum letting me know that her son won't now be attending ds2's birthday party this weekend because he's been too naughty to come Sad. She states she had to use the same sanction last weekend too for another party so it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on his behaviour.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, partly because it affects ds but also my kids would have to do something astronomically bad for me to ban a party. And I wouldn't be using it as a regular threat. so I'm throwing it out there as a poll.

YABU - you would use this as a punishment and I'm being soft.

YANBU - you wouldn't.

OP posts:
Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 08/01/2020 07:27

YABU

notanotherjigsawpiece · 08/01/2020 07:28

I’d reply “Oh dear, unfortunately DC will be upset, he/she was looking forward to having X there.” And don’t invite again. It’s rude, and could well cause you to lose money, if you had to pre-pay places.

There was a girl in my class at school who wasn’t allowed to go to any parties, for the same reason, with cancellations being made at the last minute. I sometimes look back and wonder what was going on in her house. She wasn’t particularly badly behaved at school.

Shoxfordian · 08/01/2020 07:28

Yabu

GinisLife · 08/01/2020 07:30

Yanbu where's the connection between the naughtiness and the party ? There's isn't one so why would you stop them going. And it's already not worked so a pointless punishment.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 07:31

She wasn’t particularly badly behaved at school

That doesn't mean much. Children tend to be more respectful and better behaved in public than at home. I know my children, you are generally very well behaved have said done things at home that they wouldn't dream of saying in school, or to another adult etc.

CheshireSplat · 08/01/2020 07:31

I wouldn't do it for the point you've mentioned which is the impact on the host, that they may lose money and it's rude. I'm also keen that my DCs follow through on commitments they've made and I think this sets a bad example.

BeyondMyWits · 08/01/2020 07:31

They are punishing your child for their child's naughtiness... nice... not...

notanotherjigsawpiece · 08/01/2020 07:31

Those of you replying YABU - do you really think it’s ok to punish another child (the birthday host) when disciplining your own child?

ohprettybaby · 08/01/2020 07:32

YABU. If DC had been very naughty I would definitely use it as a punishment. Putting a child on a naughty step once or removing TV or computer time once wouldn't necessarily only have to be done once to alter behaviour so YABU to comment that the sanction doesn't seem to have affected his behaviour.

The fact that it affects your DS isn't important. Correcting her DS' behaviour is far more important.

Grasspigeons · 08/01/2020 07:32

I think its rude to punish another child for your own child misbehaviour. My son was gutted when people cancelled on him in this way. Unless the bad behaviour was specifically about the party it makes no sense especially after a big delay.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 08/01/2020 07:33

That doesn't mean much. Children tend to be more respectful and better behaved in public than at home. I know my children, you are generally very well behaved have said done things at home that they wouldn't dream of saying in school, or to another adult etc.

But to cancel every party attendance over several years, every time at the last minute?? I’d question my parenting if I had to resort to this, particularly if it wasn’t working!

Frenchw1fe · 08/01/2020 07:33

It would be interesting to know what the child has done wrong. How old is he?
I don't think my dc ever did anything to warrant such a harsh punishment.

Some parents can be quite controlling.

Original poster
Pascha · 08/01/2020 07:33

@notanotherjigsawpiece

I’d reply “Oh dear, unfortunately DC will be upset, he/she was looking forward to having X there.” And don’t invite again. It’s rude, and could well cause you to lose money, if you had to pre-pay places.

That's pretty much what I have replied.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/01/2020 07:34

Nope because the host has presumably budgeted for the child to be there and the birthday child does as well, as a punishment it impacts on others

guiltynetter · 08/01/2020 07:34

I was tempted to do this over Christmas with my DD, but decided against it because I thought it was really unfair to the party host parents and the child. they have paid for her place - if was a trampolining party so not cheap - and the child was a good friend of my dds so would have been disappointed.

JanusLooksBothWays · 08/01/2020 07:34

YANBU. Unfair to punish another child because you can't control your own.

BlaueLagune · 08/01/2020 07:35

I wouldn't do it unless it was a house party because if you are doing an activity the parents of the birthday child have paid for it, and they may not be able to get a refund for that place or find a replacement. It's not appropriate to punish those parents in my view, never mind the birthday child who wanted that friend there.

Original poster
Pascha · 08/01/2020 07:35

@Frenchw1fe he's 6 and ds is turning 7.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 08/01/2020 07:35

This happened to me at DDs party years ago. The mum actually came to the party with DDs gift and apologised that her DC wouldn't be attending due to bad behaviour.

She said she have a warning and when he did it again, she felt she had no option but to follow through on her threat that he wasn't going.

It was annoying, as I had paid per child and couldn't invite anyone else on the day.

I think consideration should be given to the host and the celebrant.

BlaueLagune · 08/01/2020 07:36

x post with guilty

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 08/01/2020 07:36

YABU
What message doesnit send to your DC if they do something quite bad and next thing they are taken to a bday party? I am not talking about any misbehaviour of course, but let’s say hitting/stealing/repeated lying things like that.

thejollyroger · 08/01/2020 07:36

Well, you don’t know what he’s been doing, do you? YABU.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/01/2020 07:39

I absolutely agree OP - I never used this as a punishment for my kids as it meant they were letting down another child and not sticking to a commitment they had made. I was passionate about raising my kids to be reliable individuals (they are now late teens/early twenties and decent reliable-wont -let -you- down people).

It infuriated me when other parents did it to my child - especially on a play-date - they didn't seem to get that not only were they punishing their child, they were punishing mine as well.

What I would do would be to stick to any arrangements already made but no new playdates were set up for a certain period. I never did it for birthday parties though, that seemed unnecessarily cruel and my two were never that badly behaved.

I wasn't a particularly punitive parent though.

Original poster
Pascha · 08/01/2020 07:43

True, I don't know what the misbehaviour is but the tone of the message suggests general cheekiness and is written in a jokey way. I get the impression she's using the party invitations as a general deterrent but it doesn't seem to have worked lsst time does it?

OP posts:
chuck7 · 08/01/2020 07:43

YANBU op it is lazy parenting. It's really crap for the birthday child and the party hosts especially as said child will have been paid for!