Cancelling birthday party attendance as punishment.

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I've just had a message from a mum letting me know that her son won't now be attending ds2's birthday party this weekend because he's been too naughty to come . She states she had to use the same sanction last weekend too for another party so it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on his behaviour.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, partly because it affects ds but also my kids would have to do something astronomically bad for me to ban a party. And I wouldn't be using it as a regular threat. so I'm throwing it out there as a poll.

YABU - you would use this as a punishment and I'm being soft.

YANBU - you wouldn't.

I would find it rude as I would have paid for her kid!

I wouldn’t do this. I’d only cancel my DC’s attendance at parties if it was because of something unavoidable like illness.

You’re punishing the birthday child as well as the naughty child - presumably the birthday child wants the invited children to be there.

And many party venues demand payment in advance, so the birthday child’s parents are being left out of pocket when people drop out last minute.

I’d be reluctant to invite this child to any future parties if the parents are happy to let people down at the last minute like this.

It really depends on what the child has done, perhaps mum is at the end of her wick.

Utterly stupid and ineffective to use this as a punishment for a 6 yo.
Punishments for that age have to be immediate otherwise they can’t link it back to the event their being punished for.
He’ll know he is being punished but won’t really remember what exactly caused it.

Punishments for that age have to be immediate otherwise they can’t link it back to the event their being punished for.

Of course they can. They’re not toddlers.

“You’re not going to the party because you smashed up the living room on Tuesday. Remember? This is your consequence.”

Why do people baby children in this way?

YANBU. If they have committed to something they should follow it through unless they are ill or have had an emergency. I wouldn't invite that child again tbh. Those who don't RSVP, don't show up after saying they will or those who cancel without good reason don't get invited again in our house. DD1 wanted a trampolining party this year which was expensive per head. Luckily we've weeded out the flakey parents over the years. We're just starting all over again with DD2 though.

Tough one. One the one hand she's being rude and punishing your child and the place has been paid for. If it was the friend my child most wanted to come (mine have always had a friend they especially wanted to come) I'd be upset for my child. But, these things are out of our hands.

On the other hand, you have no idea what's going on behind the scenes in their lives so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and move on.

I agree with you.

One of my rules is “no punishments that affect other people” (well, maybe if it affects me and I take that choice but ykwim).

Also nothing wildly out of proportion.

Horrible punishment

I wouldn't because showing up when you make a commitment is another lesson on it's own. Would find something else to take away

I'd only use it if the party wasn't paid per child (so a magician or a disco, fine, laser quest, not fine).

I barred DS1 from attending a party once when he was young. He learned his lesson and I maintain that removing privileges sometimes has its place when it comes to children's behaviour. Not constantly, but as an occasional consequence it can't be a bad thing if it's warranted.

YANBU

It's incredibly rude. I had to stop DH threatening DS that he wouldn't be going to parties. The child has had a space paid for. They may well have had to pay per child and only been able to invite so many.

I do think it's too rude to do if it's the kind of party where the host will have paid for places, so would begrudgingly let them go, but I sort of disagree with you that it's not a good punishment. It may not have worked on this boy but in my experience kids are devastated at the thought of missing a party and it is very logical that they shouldn't get to go if they have been behaving terribly. It would leave a bitter taste in my mouth rewarding them for that.

I think it is rude, but if the Mum has used it twice in two weeks then I’d assume she’s at the end of her tether

I did it once and it was very much a last resort. It worked though and was finally the thing that made the connection between not treating your family like crap and nice things for my DD

I sympathise with both camps. Most parents only use things like that when they are all out of options

That doesn't mean much. Children tend to be more respectful and better behaved in public than at home.

Same can be said of abusive adults.

She wasn’t particularly badly behaved at school.

This means diddly squat. If anything it means their home life is quite good, they feel secure and safe enough at home to let rip there rather than at school.

I remember my DD throwing an almighty tantrum in a supermarket once unknowingly in front of a TA. The TA approached me shocked, she absolutely couldn’t believe that was the same girl she taught at school. My DD’s are like angels at school, they’ve never been in trouble there but at home it’s a completely different story. This is common.

I wouldn’t personally use a birthday party as a punishment mostly because it’s poor etiquette and can mean the other parent loses money. She’s probably at the end of her tether and unsure what else to do.

I do think it's too rude to do if it's the kind of party where the host will have paid for places,

It is rude whatever the party situation.

And tbh if they were being that difficult I would welcome the break.

Is he also 2? These types of punishments dont usually work on that age group. Needs to be more immediate. Yes it's very annoying to you and rotten for your ds as well

@fringeforever child in question is 6.

DS2 means OPs second son, who will be 7.

It is rude whatever the party situation

Well that is a matter of opinion, really. I'd say it's slightly rude but if me cancelling cost the host nothing, and it was a group party so my child's absence wouldn't stop it from going ahead or impact it, then I would rather cancel than go, and apologise to the host for messing them around.

YANBU
I've considered this too but always stopped myself out of respect for the party people.

You are presuming there is no cost involved. Any party will have some form of cost implication and likely some organisational issues too.

My son was left devastated when 2 kids cancelled through sickness, 2 didn't show up and one kid cancelled because their parent felt they had been badly behaved and couldn't be rewarded with a party.
There were 4 kids plus him at his soft play party. I paid for 15. Invited 15, 5 no replies plus the above.
I honestly wanted to shout at half of those parents for their absolute thoughtlessness. Of course I kept my composure. My son less so... he cried at his own party because his friends didn't come.