Cancelling birthday party attendance as punishment.

[Pascha]

I've just had a message from a mum letting me know that her son won't now be attending ds2's birthday party this weekend because he's been too naughty to come . She states she had to use the same sanction last weekend too for another party so it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on his behaviour.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, partly because it affects ds but also my kids would have to do something astronomically bad for me to ban a party. And I wouldn't be using it as a regular threat. so I'm throwing it out there as a poll.

YABU - you would use this as a punishment and I'm being soft.

YANBU - you wouldn't.

Yanbu. Apart from the lack of consideration for you the party host, it s a stupid punishment. At that age consquences need to be immediate not days in advance.
At 6 or 7 I would have not let them watch a favourite programme or stopped them going to the park that day for bad behaviour (my dc are adults now so I suppose today s parents might have different sanctions like no screen time etc).

Cactus

Yes I'm aware of that, I just disagree that it is so rude I wouldn't do it. If it was a house party and my child was just one of many people they were providing food/entertainment for, as opposed to the more clean cut CFuckery of cancelling a pay per head external party paid for by the host, then I would consider it if I felt it was what was best for my child. Yes I'm aware it's a little rude regardless, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't consider it. It depends on the impression I got from the host as to how much of a problem it would be.

My DD only had 3 friends booked for her 12th bowling and food party. One mum cancelled as said her daughter had been naughty, another dropped out as she wouldn't go without this friend as didn't know the final friend and said she'd be left out. My DD had one friend and so the game ended quickly and she was left upset. We paid for four and couldn't get the money back.

My DD was punished because another girl was naughty!

I had this when ds was younger. I arranged his party and then another mum arranged a swimming party on the exact same day for her dd when it wasn't even her dds birthday for another few weeks But of course a swimming party is much more fun so I was worried about low attendance as many parents hadn't replied either.

I told a close friend about this who said her dd was definitely coming so along with her there would at least be a handful of children coming. Then the day before she called me and said her dd had been naughty and she was now not coming as a punishment. I explained to this friend that she was punishing my ds as much as her own dd and she knew I had been worried about numbers. So she agreed a different punishment and her dd still came.

So in a round about way yadnbu. I have always thought this is a shitty thing to do and there are many other ways of punishing children such as removal of iPads etc. But this of course causes more work for parents who rely on screen time too much so the party is a lazy alternative punishment as they also then don't need to buy a present of spend an afternoon at the party or for drop off n collection

Oh and one mum who had actually replied to confirm attendance didn't turn up. She told me on Monday her ds just hadn't felt like coming so she hadn't pushed the issue. Never mind teaching him to honour his commitments if he had already agreed to come. As this was a soft play party we lost money for every non attendee and money was very tight back then too

Yanbu. I had someone do this 2 hours before my sons party. I had paid for the place and was annoyed at the waste and ds was upset his friend wasn't able to be there. Had she met me know at the time, or even a few days before, then I could have invited someone else and filled the space.

Had it been something unavoidable like illness or family emergency, then that's understandable but she could have used a different consequence for her child... I find it thoughtless to inconvenience someone else purposely.

YANBIU. They probably hate going to parties and use that excuse all the time.

I think it's an unreasonable punishment for a 6 year old and don't agree with these types of sanctions in general.

However, I have to say I wouldn't fret about it if I was the host. It makes no difference really if her child attends or not. Your son won't care too much if he has his other friends there and even if you "lose" money it doesn't really make an impact overall - you had planned to pay that amount for the party regardless, so it's not like it's costing you extra. So while I would do it myself, I would understand if another parent felt the need to and would respect their parenting choice.

While I *wouldn't do it myself

I think these type of people don't consider the effects of their actions.
So reply and say that it's such a shame as your child was looking forward to having him at the party. You can't do any more than that.

I had someone do this to my me/ my daughter with a play date.
The other childs behaviour had been bad at the weekend so the mother threatened that if child didn’t start behaving they weren’t coming to our house, behaviour got no better so my daughter got punished too!
Really peed me off, don’t use my child to discipline your child.
The parent didn’t seem to think how this might go down in my house with a child who doesn’t take these things well (possible adhd).

Parent then proceeded to tell my child that we’d rearrange it for the next week! Er please don’t tell my child that when you might use her in the same way the following week!

YANBU. If you have the kind of child who behaves beoootifully out of the house but like hellspawn at home, would you not want them out from under your feet for a few hours?

And as PP have said, it affects significantly more than just the child under curfew.

I was banned from attending a school fancy-dress party aged 9 after all the medication supplies from my parents bathroom cabinet went mysteriously missing. I refused to ‘fess up and denied til I was blue in the face. They did relent in the end and off to the party went I. 🥳 🎉

I never did tell them where it all went and my mother went to her grave none the wiser. With hindsight, I think that was the correct decision on my part as they’d probably have murdered me had I told them. 😂

Where did they go butchy?

Poor kid.

I would normally say this isn’t a good punishment as it’s not fair on the birthday child.

However, I then remembered I had done similar when my DD was about 14 and decided to walk out the school gates and go home for the day. There then followed lots of lies about uniform/make up/being sent home .... caused lots of wasted time and worry with teachers/office staff and me and DH at work ... he left work and found her at home cooking pizza and chilling 😡

I just couldn’t bring myself to let her go out on a birthday treat with her friends that night.

Younger children it’s different and does depend what they’ve done.

Where did they go butchy?

We were living abroad at the time (which made it worse because I think they were prescription meds from the UK). Anyway, we lived on the 13th floor of a high rise and my bedroom overlooked a large patch of wasteground.

I had become rather interested in the, er, aerodynamic properties of objects so the medications were far from the only things to end up being fired out of my bedroom window. I recall I’d run out of my own possessions that I was willing to sacrifice to my little ‘hobby’.

The apartment building was built into the side of a hill so the patch of wasteground actually wasn’t much lower than my bedroom on the 13th floor. The challenge was to fling the object with sufficient force so that it reached the wasteground across from my bedroom and didn’t fall onto the heads of any hapless residents in the car park below. 13th floors below.

On this occasion, I was well and truly caught out because apparently I’d ripped the packaging on the unopened meds to shreds when opening them, rather them open them naicely like my parents would have. My protestations of “Daddy did it.”, “I’m not saying daddy is lying but maybe he just doesn’t remember doing it” fell on deaf ears.

I got to go to the fancy dress party but it was the end of my hobby.

Sounds exactly the type of thing I would have done.

My sister's used to cut their hair and throw it out the bathroom window onto the veranda below. I'm not sure why.

I'm reading this and wondering if something else is going on. Like maybe mum really doesn't want to attend the party especially if she doesn't know anyone but is using DS as an excuse. Otherwise it seems weird that she's done it twice.
I used to hate going to parties with my children (but I always did) and just wonder if that's the case here.
Either way it's not good. It's not a punishment I ever used as parties are expensive and a lot of work. There are better punishments.

but it doesn't seem to have worked lsst time does it?

Because 6 year old kids are notoriously quick in the uptake and learning lessons.

@Pascha

Wow, DC being new to the school makes it so much worse! Behaviour will not be helped by lacking friends/integration.

I’m really shocked at the amount of parents who think cancelling on others and wasting their time/money is a totally reasonable form of punishment!

If I felt a parent/child were unreliable I certainly wouldn’t be spending time/energy or money to include them. I agree with PP’s it’s ‘lazy’ parenting - rather than enact their own punishment in their home and deal with the bad behaviour themselves, they use your event to do it!

It’s like pulling out of going to a wedding because you didn’t hit your target weight! FFS 🙄 - don’t use other people’s special occasions as punishments/sanctions

What I don’t understand in these cases is: If you think this this is a good punishment, what do you do if there isn’t a birthday party imminent?.

This is what I also always wonder in cases like this. It's plain old shit and very lazy parenting.

As the party is just some vague abstract thing in the future, it's a completely useless punishment as the child isn't likely to care about something they isn't physically tangible in the here and now, so why should they care? By all means, take away their toys/screens/gadgets/freedom to play for 2/3/5/8 minutes, but don't punish the birthday child instead, which is all these punishments do.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

In the past, I personally have had to threaten DC1 with withdrawing them from a party at the last minute. This would have been a last resort type sanction if my child was playing up badly repeatedly without responding to several earlier sanctions carried out. Luckily it was never a threat I had to go through with - but I would NEVER have expected another parent to judge my decision as unfavourably as some PP have done. In fact I'm a bit shocked. I'd have thought that other parents would have respected my willingness to do what it took to teach my DC right from wrong so they can fit into society well as an adult.

On the contrary, I'd harshly judge a parent if I'd found out they'd allowed their child to a party after being badly behaved at home if they hadn't responded to discipline.

Then again, maybe I wouldn't judge if both my DCs had been like my DC2 who never has had to have this threat, as they've never been as strong-willed as DC1. I do love them both equally for who they are, but DC1 has always been markedly more difficult to manage behaviour-wise. Still is, but we're getting there with consistency, persistence, patience and a lot of love.

It's just letting people down under the guise of punishment when there are plenty of other ways to discipline a child.

^ That sums it up for me.

I'd have thought that other parents would have respected my willingness to do what it took to teach my DC right from wrong so they can fit into society well as an adult.

Personally, I think that learning that you should honour your commitments is something DC should learn in order to fit into society well as an adult.

And I’d consider accepting invites as making a commitment to someone else, so part of that, is not dropping out of attending other children’s birthday parties at the last minute unless it’s unavoidable. As in, because your DC is ill, rather than because of their behaviour at home.

If you feel that your DC’s behaviour is too bad for parties then you shouldn’t accept the invite in the first place.

And FWIW I’ve also got one DC whose behaviour can be extremely challenging at times.

Personally, I think that learning that you should honour your commitments is something DC should learn in order to fit into society well as an adult

I think it's a two way street, fit into society or fit in with you? If we want out children to be 'community minded' then we can support other parents and their perfectly normal parenting decisions.

If you feel that your DC’s behaviour is too bad for parties then you shouldn’t accept the invite in the first place

Likewise, if you're going to fork out to throw parties for your children, presumably expensive ones in this case, then perhaps budget for some cancellations before resorting to calling other people 'lazy parents' because they cancel.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just applying the same harsh logic as some others here.