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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling birthday party attendance as punishment.

147 replies

Pascha · 08/01/2020 07:22

I've just had a message from a mum letting me know that her son won't now be attending ds2's birthday party this weekend because he's been too naughty to come Sad. She states she had to use the same sanction last weekend too for another party so it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on his behaviour.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, partly because it affects ds but also my kids would have to do something astronomically bad for me to ban a party. And I wouldn't be using it as a regular threat. so I'm throwing it out there as a poll.

YABU - you would use this as a punishment and I'm being soft.

YANBU - you wouldn't.

OP posts:
SquashedFlyBiscuit · 08/01/2020 07:43

I think its really out of order to do this. Its punishing the child whose birthday it is and the parents who have arranged the party. I'd think dimly of anyone who tried this on any party we organised. Especially "at home." Our home is small so the parties weve done at home have been smaller numbers and often bits bought in for the theme, party bags etc.

I also dont think much of it as a parenting method either but thats a separate discussion.

Whynosnowyet · 08/01/2020 07:43

Personally I never give such a threat that I would have to carry it out. In a few days when dc is behaving and all the kids are talking about the party they will feel rubbish. Prob will have forgotten why they couldn't go.... Especially at 6!!

Fallsballs · 08/01/2020 07:45

It depends on the parent’s definition of ‘naughty’.
Like is it strangling family pet naughty or not doing their homework properly naughty ?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 07:49

YABU.

Those saying "it's not fair to punish the other child too" - so would you never cancel a play date if your child was naughty/rude either?

Surely OPs DS will have 15 other friends there - can't imagine it's the end of the world.

Why should the other child be allowed to have a fun time at the party when he's being naughty?

What if he's started biting, and his mom sent him to the party so as not to upset anyone, and he bit children there? We'd all be saying he should've stayed home then.

73Sunglasslover · 08/01/2020 07:51

so would you never cancel a play date if your child was naughty/rude either?

Personally, no, I wouldn't. Sanctions need to be a tiny part of parenting and there are many others which have an impact and give the right message to a 6 or 7 year old.

RedskyAtnight · 08/01/2020 07:53

unreasonable to put another person out (and potentially make them incur necessary expense).

unreasonable to punish a 6 year old for bad behaviour on Tuesday by making them miss a party on Saturday.

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 08/01/2020 07:53

I've never had to cancel a playdate... again I'd not think highly of someone who did this often. If my child was looking forward to a playdate and the other person cancelled, my child misses out and my morning ruined.

Seriously there are other ways to parent!

Original poster
Pascha · 08/01/2020 07:54

Ds will have 7 instead of 8 friends but that's not so important. For me, to ban a social invitation to join in with other kids outside school ds would have to be doing something very antisocial. Biting as suggested above could be one thing I suppose.

I just don't think it's an effective way to correct bad behaviour. It seems like a reactionary punishment that hasn't actually worked so far.

OP posts:
SquashedFlyBiscuit · 08/01/2020 07:55

And there may be 15 other friends, but your chils may be one of the 3 or 4 the birthday child really wants to be there. Or it might be like our parties and tend to be 8 children when it would be really missed. Especailly if another child is off too.

I think it doesnt work either as it just makes the child resentful.

AugieMarch · 08/01/2020 07:56

YANBU. I think cancelling attendance at a party after bad behaviour teaches children it's OK to let other people down and that it's OK not follow through on your commitment to come to an event. There are so, so many other ways to resolve poor behaviour: cut screen time, talk about what happened, time out, no family day out that weekend, taking away a particular toy, etc etc. If you commit to go to a party you go unless you are sick. That is good behaviour. She's behaving badly herself and teaching her child to do likewise.

JacquesHammer · 08/01/2020 07:57

YANBU. Very poor form to involve someone else as part of your disciplining.

It will impact more severely on her child. Who is going to offer repeat invitations to someone who will drop out on a whim.

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 08/01/2020 07:58

I think with regards to behaviour, one book I always recommend is, "How to talk so kids listen and kids talk." I think I originally saw it recommended on here. Its v American in some of its examples (obviously not a problem but the culture clash can be apparent) but the approach is really good.

FamilyOfAliens · 08/01/2020 07:58

What message doesnit send to your DC if they do something quite bad and next thing they are taken to a bday party?

But it’s not the “next thing” is it? If you have to use sanctions as part of your parenting they should be immediate and appropriate to the behaviour.

What would the parent have done if there were no party to use as a sanction? I agree it’s lazy parenting.

User12879923378 · 08/01/2020 07:58

I probably wouldn't, but then I don't know what he did.

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 08/01/2020 07:59

Augie, really good point around "good behaviour." Def teaching that you dont drop out of something you've committed to. Talk about appropiate party behaviour etc.

PlaymobilPirate · 08/01/2020 07:59

I'd have said "ok. Thanks for letting me know, although I've already paid for their place so it's a bit late. DC will be disappointed"

Peterspotter · 08/01/2020 08:00

Ask her to pay for the place you paid for when she accepted the invite

WorldsOnFire · 08/01/2020 08:00

I think it’s incredibly rude to cancel last minute on a party you have RSVP’d yes to.

Many organised event parties take hefty deposits per place and some require payment in advance. I understand this mum
wanting to instil discipline and consequence but doing this by wasting other mums money is going to quickly land her DC on a ‘don’t bother inviting’ list!

I bet she’s done it for more than two parties, but will be ‘upset’ next year when DC doesn’t receive invites to those same kids parties.

I would only cancel for extreme bad behaviour (I mean really awfully bad/violent- would make me worry about other kids safety kinda stuff) or contagious illness!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 08:01

I’d cancel a play date if my DD was really acting up- not a birthday as I appreciate how stressful numbers and budgeting is for a birthday and id hate birthday karma

Original poster
Pascha · 08/01/2020 08:02

@WorldsOnFire
I bet she’s done it for more than two parties, but will be ‘upset’ next year when DC doesn’t receive invites to those same kids parties.

Agree. He joined the school last term. I would be leaping at any and all invitations in the same position.

OP posts:
itchytits123 · 08/01/2020 08:04

YABU. Just because it affects you doesn't mean it's your business how this mum chooses to discipline her child, within reason obviously. It's a shame your child will miss his friend but it's not going to the central concern of a parent trying to do what is best for their own child. Live and let live.

Jocasta2018 · 08/01/2020 08:04

I would be tempted to use it as a punishment if the behaviour had been bad however I would offer to reimburse any costs the host had already paid out.

wanderings · 08/01/2020 08:06

What I don’t understand in these cases is:

If you think this this is a good punishment, what do you do if there isn’t a birthday party imminent? Why are birthday parties seen as fit to be confiscated like this? Screen time, yes, because that is “renewable”, but birthday parties less so, even someone else’s.

Surely punishing a child like this by confiscating something non-replaceable will breed resentment, which would bring on further bad behaviour: child will be thinking “I have nothing to lose now”. I know that if I’d been punished in this way, the resentment would have followed me to adulthood. There have been many threads “AIBU to cancel my DC’s party”, where many of the replies have been “they will remember this for ever if you do”. Too right they will. Even preventing them attending someone else’s party is dodgy, in my book. As a teenager, this child will be keeping schtum about any parties they are invited to, in case it is snatched away from them.

JacquesHammer · 08/01/2020 08:06

YABU. Just because it affects you doesn't mean it's your business how this mum chooses to discipline her child, within reason obviously. It's a shame your child will miss his friend but it's not going to the central concern of a parent trying to do what is best for their own child. Live and let live

If the OP has spent money on including the child it’s very much her business.

I feel so sorry for the poor kid. New to the school and his mother is doing her best to ruin his new friendships. Poor parenting.

UnfamousPoster · 08/01/2020 08:08

Your last post just makes it worse OP. He's just joined a new school, new kids, existing friendship groups to infiltrate and the mum excludes him from it?

That's not going to help him fit in at all.

The one saving grace is that she's given you enough notice to use the place for someone else if you can do it without making someone sound like they're the second choice replacement!

YANBU OP

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