Cancelling birthday party attendance as punishment.

[Pascha]

I've just had a message from a mum letting me know that her son won't now be attending ds2's birthday party this weekend because he's been too naughty to come . She states she had to use the same sanction last weekend too for another party so it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on his behaviour.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, partly because it affects ds but also my kids would have to do something astronomically bad for me to ban a party. And I wouldn't be using it as a regular threat. so I'm throwing it out there as a poll.

YABU - you would use this as a punishment and I'm being soft.

YANBU - you wouldn't.

If you feel that your DC’s behaviour is too bad for parties then you shouldn’t accept the invite in the first place.

PureAlchemy
That's an interesting viewpoint. So you think I should never, ever have accepted a party invitation for my DC? If that's how you do things fine, but personally I think that would be an horrendous way to bring up a child - to never be allowed to go to a party because of the possibility they might be badly behaved in the lead up

Anyway, as I said, it worked as a tough, last resort threat which I never actually had to carry out (showing that my DC already had an innate sense of commitment to the occasion), so there was no need to ban my DC from all, or any, friends' parties.

What a thought!!

Likewise, if you're going to fork out to throw parties for your children, presumably expensive ones in this case, then perhaps budget for some cancellations before resorting to calling other people 'lazy parents' because they cancel.

You make allowances/ considerations for people to cancel because they are ill etc, not because of something they did days before the party.

It's very rude - by trying to teach you child a lesson (ie how to behave), you are teaching your child another very bad lesson (that it's ok to say you're going to something then let them down).

It's obviously more annoying if places are prepaid but at any party usually you can't invite everyone so your child has probably been invited in lieu of another.

Very bad form, I would be replying to say something that it was a shame for my child etc in a way that makes it clear that I'm not cool with it.

Not only do I agree with others that it punishes the birthday child unfairly; I also think it's an overly harsh punishment for a young child. The kind of thing that stays with you, long after the misbehaviour that provoked it has been forgotten about.

When I was 6 I got lost in a shop and my Mum stopped me going to my best friend’s party because of it. She did still take me to his house to give him his present and tell him I wasn’t going in person. I was in floods of tears and he cried as well. I never forgot it.

I think this is only ok if it is an immediate punishment, ie on the day of the party itself. A week away is too long for a child to comprehend and link their behaviour to the punishment.

I also think it is only ok if the parents have a good relationship. One of my DS best friends missed his party due to bad behaviour and I completely supported his mums decision. I'd invited along his siblings as well, as we see the family socially too, and they still came. 4 yrs on, my DS still remembers this as an example to behave himself. He'll mention it every so often.

It's a terrible punishment in general - it isn't related to the (perceived) misbehaviour so how does it teach the child anything.

YANBU it's incredibly rude. Parents whose kids don't have any up coming parties manage to manage their children's behaviour so this parent should be able to manage their child without inconveniencing and being rude to other families.

I'd reply saying that your ds will be upset, but you are sure that she'll find a punishment that works one day

Yanbu where's the connection between the naughtiness and the party ? There's isn't one so why would you stop them going. And it's already not worked so a pointless punishment
I'm guessing they are using it as a consequence of bad behaviour.
However they haven't thought it through and realised the impact it will have.

I used this punishment once for my daughter aged about seven who was extremely rude at the time and was warned and so we followed through.

Obviously as her mum I was the most punished as stuck with the grumpy horrid little person all afternoon.

The child whose party it was still had the present and card. I think I agreed to say my DD was ill as she didnt want anyone to know she'd been rude etc and I felt there was no need to say to others ... she knew herself. We didnt need to do it again!

It's not one I'd use but I wouldn't judge someone else for doing so. Following through on sanctions matters, however ill-advised the initial sanction.

I've definitely withdrawn from playdates and see nothing wrong with that. If my child is being a horror, the last thing our friends need is that behavious inflicted on them. We'll stay home until DC's behaviour is fit for the public. I've always understood when other parents withdrew from playdates for the same reason.

I think it’s an awful thing to do tbc. No natural consequence involved at all - eg. You are throwing a toy at me, I will have to take the you away. You are hurting the dog, you can’t be near the dog today etc. Stopping them from going to a party is so cruel imo. People have such high expectations of how much children can understand and expect them to behave as little adults.

I think YANBU. There could be exceptional cases where the punishment might be more appropriate (e.g. if it is because the child misbehaved badly at another party); but overall, I think it's an unsuitable and excessive punishment. And as you and pp have said, it's punishing the hosts as well as the child in question.

'I’d be reluctant to invite this child to any future parties if the parents are happy to let people down at the last minute like this.'

That would be true for lots of people; and this makes the punishment even worse for the child in question, because they lose out on future parties. Of course, this is true for any child whose parents are consistently unreliable and keep letting potential hosts down, but somehow it's worse when it's presented as a punishment by the parents.

In terms of the punishment not being fitting for the wrongdoing, which people have mentioned a lot, I do think there's an element of overlooking scenarios where parents cancel on the day because their child's behaviour and attitude have been terrible and they feel they have reason to believe they would carry that over onto the party and spoil it. I would rather a child didn't attend than came in a foul mood and ruined it for everyone else.

Depends on a party. if a parent has booked an event of some sort, for x number of guests, then its very selfish of a parent to let others down. There are numerous ways to discipline your child, you don't need to bring others into it.

A couple of things...firstly, you punish the party child as much as the party-going, recalcitrant child. Plus you can easily leave the host parent out of pocket. This seems wholly unjust.

Secondly, I really do think that punishments should take account of the fact that children are children and will misbehave from time to time. I'm always a bit horrified to hear dire threats about removing tablets for months/grounding for the foreseeable future and similarly unrealistic sanctions. Worst is the threat to cancel Christmas or birthdays. So yes, there have to be consequences for bad behaviour but make them realistic and don't involve the innocent!

I agree Sofa - when the child is in a foul mood and behaving poorly, why let that child disrupt a nice event for others?

YABU

You don't know what behaviour she is trying to correct, you don't know what other methods or sanctions she has used and you don't know how guilty or rubbish she may already feel.

Her child her rules and she is probably doing what she thinks is right by him. She let you know.

I'd of been much more accepting of this.

I've done when my DS was being so badly behaved and violent towards myself that I couldn't trust him out in public. It wasnt an easy decision but I felt I had no choice

Likewise, if you're going to fork out to throw parties for your children, presumably expensive ones in this case, then perhaps budget for some cancellations before resorting to calling other people 'lazy parents' because they cancel.

Still selfish. Cancellations do happen, i.e. illness or injury, but opting out because you found something better to do - like a punishment - its shitty behavior, and as an adult, you should know better.