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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling birthday party attendance as punishment.

147 replies

Pascha · 08/01/2020 07:22

I've just had a message from a mum letting me know that her son won't now be attending ds2's birthday party this weekend because he's been too naughty to come Sad. She states she had to use the same sanction last weekend too for another party so it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on his behaviour.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, partly because it affects ds but also my kids would have to do something astronomically bad for me to ban a party. And I wouldn't be using it as a regular threat. so I'm throwing it out there as a poll.

YABU - you would use this as a punishment and I'm being soft.

YANBU - you wouldn't.

OP posts:
Glitterfisher · 08/01/2020 08:08

YANBU - the punishment is actually a punishment for your child which is unfair, I would never do that as it means the party host has generally paid out money or not given a space to another child. The punishment is also too far ahead to have any effect, the child will have moved on by then anyway so that's why it hasn't worked.

Glitterfisher · 08/01/2020 08:10

Its extremely lazy parenting IMO.

itchytits123 · 08/01/2020 08:11

JacquesHammer

I appreciate parties cost money but it's to be expected that some people will drop out.

The parent here hasn't rented a friend for her child's party and is now entitled to a refund.

Mumofone1902 · 08/01/2020 08:11

I think we can't judge properly as we (and you?) don't know what he has done.

For example if he's hurt his sibling badly, although unfair to your DS he shouldn't really be allowed to go to a party and have fun the next day.

If it's that he hasn't eaten his vegetables all week then his mum is in the wrong.

myself2020 · 08/01/2020 08:12

Same as some others, it depends what he did. violence of any sort - serious kicking, biting etc - yes. i rather have the birthday child disappointed that my child doesn’t come than bleeding. but that would be a very unusual set of circumstances, especially age 6!

JacquesHammer · 08/01/2020 08:13

I appreciate parties cost money but it's to be expected that some people will drop out

Sure. Through illness etc, not poor parenting.

The parent here hasn't rented a friend for her child's party and is now entitled to a refund

The kid isn’t entitled to any further invitations either. Neither is his mum entitled to be bothered by that.

Behaviour has repercussions as she is so poorly attempting to teach her child.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 08:13

I would offer to reimburse any costs the host had already paid out nice idea but no normal person would accept the money- the bigger upset for me would be numbers anyway

drspouse · 08/01/2020 08:16

If it was a teenager who was grounded, that makes sense as a consequence, but not for a smaller child.
Or if the child had misbehaved at a party, been rude to the host parents etc.
I'm a firm believer in consequences being linked to the offence.

itchytits123 · 08/01/2020 08:17

JacquesHammer

*The kid isn’t entitled to any further invitations either. Neither is his mum entitled to be bothered by that.

Behaviour has repercussions as she is so poorly attempting to teach her child*

Ok so OP should take it upon herself to punish another parent for punishing her own child 'poorly' and the other child by proxy because... money?

notanotherjigsawpiece · 08/01/2020 08:18

The parent here hasn't rented a friend for her child's party and is now entitled to a refund.

Haha, sorry but this made me laugh Grin

Only on MN would you find someone with this attitude Grin

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2020 08:21

We had a child cancel a few days before as a sanction for biting his nails - funnily enough knowing the parents I actually do believe it was genuine as well
Luckily it was something we didn’t have to pay for until we got there.

We had one child cancel at one of DD’s parties a few years ago (which I had paid for) because she “realised she was scared of water”. It was a swimming party and her mum had confirmed 2 weeks before. She was pretty notorious for not turning up to parties though and I didn’t let DD invite her again.

Glitterfisher · 08/01/2020 08:25

Surely it is obvious that a punishment for a young child 3 or 4 days before the punishment actually takes place is pointless and will have no impact at all. This is likely to be why the child is misbehaving still.

BlouseAndSkirt · 08/01/2020 08:27

It’s shit to use someone else’s party as a punishment. The party child is landed with a disappointment, the party parent has catered, maybe bought a party bag, maybe another child was omitted from the list due t numbers.

Find a sanction that doesn’t impact on others.

Selfish and rude.

DarlingOscar · 08/01/2020 08:32

YABU

her parenting her rules

DesLynamsMoustache · 08/01/2020 08:48

YANBU. It's pretty thoughtless to affect someone else's young child just so you can have an easy way of disciplining your own. There are plenty of ways of sanctioning bad behaviour without it negatively affecting others. It's not a great lesson, is it?

JacquesHammer · 08/01/2020 08:51

Ok so OP should take it upon herself to punish another parent for punishing her own child 'poorly' and the other child by proxy because... money?

Well yeah Confused I wouldn’t pay for a party place for someone who had a history of flaking. Why would you?

If it’s ok for her parenting style to affect the OP, by the same token the return is totally acceptable.

Nonnymum · 08/01/2020 08:55

You are not being unreasonable. Punishments like this rarely work anyway. The only sensible punishments are natural consequences the child won't see the link between the party and whatever he has done.he will just resent it, think its unfair and his behaviour will get worse.
If he has just moved to the school surely it's better for him to be socialising and meetng friends. Also it label's him as the naughty boy who is too naughty to be allowed to go to parties which is never helpful because children live up to their labels

Twistables · 08/01/2020 08:57

What if this punishment gains currency and it becomes a regular thing for a few kids from each party drop out? This type of individualistic attitude teaches kids to disregard community

CruCru · 08/01/2020 09:01

Yes, I’d be annoyed about this. To be fair, I’m often quite surprised at other parents’ attitudes towards children’s parties - at the last one I hosted, one parent texted on the day to say that actually, they were out of town so X wouldn’t be coming, another texted to say that she’d forgotten and now had people round for lunch and another just plain didn’t turn up. This was for an expensive pre paid activity.

I’m sure that if you told her that your child had been too naughty to come to her child’s party, she’d be annoyed.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 08/01/2020 09:01

YABU - I wouldn't use this punishment myself but it's not for you to judge her on how she parents, also you don't know what her DS did. Does it really affect your DS that much? I can only see that it would if it's a very small party and/or it's his best friend.

Also just because a punishment is used once it doesn't mean you never use it again because it "didn't work". Bonkers logic

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 08/01/2020 09:02

Though if you still have to cough up for that child's place, i'd be annoyed by that

Piffle11 · 08/01/2020 09:09

so would you never cancel a play date if your child was naughty/rude either?

No I wouldn't. There are other punishments that don't impact on others - I would never accept an invitation and then cancel for this reason. What if half a dozen others had the same idea? When you plan a party you cater for those who have accepted - I think it's unreasonable to put someone out of pocket or disappoint a child purely because I can't think of another punishment. If this becomes a regular thing then people will stop inviting the child.

Nonnymum · 08/01/2020 09:10

so would you never cancel a play date if your child was naughty/rude either?
Definily not. The punishment has to link to the behaviour
To be honest I dont think punishments work anyway they just breed resentment and rarely change behaviour . Talking to the child about the behaviour, what is an sis not appropriate and trying to get them to see how others feel makes much more sense or natural consequences at the time Eg if fighting over a toy the toy goes away. Etc
In case anyone says that means I will raise deiinquents. My children are now kind, very sociable, generous hard working, adults. I was also a childminder for a while and those children are also now well adjusted adults.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 08/01/2020 09:15

Someone did that to my child on the day of her party and I wasn't impressed. Thankfully dd acceped it but we were out of pocket.
Yanbu as it affects others.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 08/01/2020 09:23

YANBU.
We had this with a play date which fucked my afternoon up and also annoyed my mum as she wa Ted to take DD to see santa at that time and I'd said no. It just punishes everyone else and makes the punishing family unreliable. Now when we make plans with this family I have to say "as long as X behaves of course" which DD accepts but also means I need a back up plan.
It's just letting people down under the guise of punishment when there are plenty of other ways to discipline a child.